


Paradise Lost

by 123456ja



Series: Strippers [1]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Romance, Strippers & Strip Clubs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-11 05:49:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 49,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17441114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/123456ja/pseuds/123456ja
Summary: Successful and straight businessman Jiwon finds himself one night at a gay club "Paradise Lost". There he catches a glimpse of a face from his past high-school years. What will happen when two former rivals meet again in such circumstances?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> [ disclaimer for typos grammar lapses and such... ]
> 
>  
> 
> This will be a slow update, I'll try to update this at least once or twice a week, depending on my schedule.. I am also planning for a (not really, but probably) slow character development... But I still hope you all will like this and give it a try.
> 
> Also, I use some Japanese names just because...

.  
.

 

He adjusted his tie and sighed. It was going to be a very, very long night.

Two hours of waiting and still the client hadn't even shown up. He wasn't answering his calls either. How irritating.  
Jiwon fingered the rim of the whiskey glass with his right hand despondently, noticing the way the blinking lights from the stage lit the smooth surface in bright gaudy colours – flashing blue, green, pink, purple and back to blue again. He downed the last of the burning alcoholic liquid and let his breath out in a gasp as the fire warmed his belly. It really didn't seem as if his client was going to make it tonight after all.

With nothing else to do he lifted his eyes to the stage and tried to hold back the curl of distaste from his lips. Boys. Scantily clad and sweaty in the hot lights, gyrating their hips, rubbing up against one another, throwing their smouldering gazes out across the audience as men close to the stage attempted to tuck thin bank notes into their precious little clothing.

Jiwon winced and looked away. Why the client had suggested meeting in a place like this was beyond him.

"Haven't seen you around here before" the raised voice of the bartender interrupted his thoughts, though it was difficult to hear over the pounding music. Jiwon looked towards the man who had come over to collect his glass. He was a large and intimidating guy with bare bulging biceps and a bulky muscular chest visible even under his thin white vest. Jiwon gave a small shrug and made no reply to the small talk.

"You don't like what you see?" the barman queried, tossing his head towards the stage in suggestion, and Jiwon only sighed.

"I'm not really…"

"…not gay?"

Jiwon glanced up again and nodded. He received a broad smile in return.

"Yukari's up next" the man told him. "If he can't turn you, nothing will."

Jiwon nearly rolled his eyes at that. Whoever heard of someone being 'turned gay'? That kind of thing was just fantasy. As far as he was concerned one was born either straight or gay, and he liked to think that he had enough self-awareness to know that he simply wasn't attracted to men. It wasn't as if he hadn't had enough opportunity to find out, that was for sure. He'd seen plenty of men's bodies during his time playing basketball and had never felt any kind of reaction at all.

Still, at the bartender's prompt, and at the sudden sound of loud whistling approval coming from the patrons around the stage, he once again turned his eyes towards the lights.

He was tall, taller than the others. Slender like willow, sinewy but strong. Not a drop of fat on him he was toned and rippled in the lights. Wearing only Lycra pants not quite long enough to cover the curve of his buttocks there certainly wasn't any guesswork involved when it came to realising that his body was pretty much perfect.

His hair was soft brown streaked with blond, quite western with the current fashions. He wore it long and stylishly, almost curly with pronounced waves as if he'd just come back from a day surfing at the beach. His smooth skin seemed flawless as it caught the disco colours and shone in hues of blue and pink and green.

He appeared to move slowly, even though the beat of the music was fast. Every movement he made was measured, almost elegant, such that despite a relatively unadorned costume the eye was naturally drawn to him to the detriment of the other dancers. With teasing ease he wrapped one perfect thigh around the pole set in the centre of the stage and bent backwards, arching his back with enviable flexibility, each groove in his chest catching the lights one by one as he arched further and further like a leopard. At the pinnacle of the stretch he closed his eyes and let out a gasp as if lost in the throws of ecstasy. It certainly had an effect on his riveted audience.  
Even the bartender, who had stopped his work to watch, gave a shudder.

"God, how does he do that?" he muttered, almost in complaint, before shaking his head to try and clear it before continuing to clean the glass in his hand.

Jiwon continued to watch the stage curiously.

A second dancer had come up alongside the popular Yukari and seized his hips. Now he was miming quite lewdly the act of trusting into him from behind. Yukari had bent himself forward, keeping his body sideways to the audience to make the most of the sensuous curl of his back, gripping the metal pole with two hands, almost pressing his face to it, casting hooded and wanton eyes over the men nearby. Everything about him was raw seduction.

But it was his eyes that drew Jiwon's attention the most. They were black. Pitch black like the night. Not a single suggestion of colour they seemed to draw you in, suck you deeper, promise you everything.

Black like sin.

After a few more moments of silent observation, Jiwon turned back to the bartender and asked to settle his tab.

"No interest?" the barman queried.

"No interest" Jiwon replied firmly.

"Shame" the man said as he took his money "You're quite a cute one yourself."


	2. Dragging Smoke

.  
.

The black alleyway alongside the club reeked the smell of urine and vermin. Jiwo eyed it distastefully before checking his watch and lighting up his third cigarette of the night. The music inside had given him a headache but it was still a little too early to abandon his post. Another hour and then he could call it a night. Matsumo might still show up before the night was out.

There wasn't anywhere to sit out the front of the club here, so Jiwon perched himself haphazardly on the lid of a garbage can. Ordinarily he wouldn't have bothered to wait so long, but Matsumo was rumoured to be the best in the business. He rubbed the back of his neck and sighed, taking another drag of the lit tobacco.

The most talented were usually the most eccentric, he mused.

He took brief note of his surroundings. It was dark here out on the street, late on a weeknight so there were only a few cars passing at this hour. It seemed the entire world was asleep apart from the inhabitants of the club at his back. The faint neon glow from the club's signs was all that lit the area, the streetlight above him having gutted out exhausted. The garish yellow and green neon lit one side of his shadowed face, giving him a faintly mysterious air which would evaporate with the daylight. It seemed that the midnight gave dark qualities even to those who did not ordinarily possess them. The thought amused him.  
He was just taking another relaxing breath of smoke when somewhere behind him came a sudden a crash of metal as the club's small side door slammed open, impacting noisily against the brickwork of the alleyway. Further crashes and rattles sounded as garbage cans were knocked aside by the two figures that emerged from the club. Through the gloom Jiwon watched them from the streetside, mostly hidden by the shadows himself. Though the alley was pitch dark, the light from inside the building streamed out of the newly opened door, catching the two men in a square of yellow light.

"Where the fuck is he?" the following one demanded of the first.

"I told you, I don't know any more than you do."

"He's your friend, isn't he?"

The first stiffed and straightened. "Just my roommate" he hissed defensively.

"Well he's gone, and two kilograms of coke have gone with him. If I find out you know anything about this I swear to god Yukari I'll…"

"I've got nothing to do with it."

The smaller man glowered unpleasantly at his taller companion before turning around and storming back into the warmth of the club, slamming the door behind him and casting the alleyway once again into darkness, unmindful of the boy he left behind him in the night.

Jiwon raised an eyebrow and waited. He peered curiously into the gloom knowing that somewhere in the liquid blackness the boy Yukari who just recently had appeared like a god on the stage before his worshipers, was now standing lost in the dark only a few feet away, though Jiwon couldn't see him.

After a few moments there came the sound of shuffling and a curse as the boy began to pick his way towards the light at the alley entrance where Jiwon was sitting, moving carefully through the debris so as not to trip. The squeak of disturbed rats could be heard as they scurried away from the noises.

Jiwon waited with patient interest for the approaching boy.He might have felt no sexual attraction to the young dancer he'd seen on the stage, but he still felt the natural curiosity of an inquisitive soul. Who was this boy who could enslave a roomful of men with a simple flash of his dark eyes?

When he finally managed to emerge from the alley's grasp, Jiwon had the lucky opportunity to see Yukari from close range. The dancer had covered himself with a plain cream trench coat that almost reached his knees, his arms holding it closed, hugged tight around him against the night air. His legs and feet were covered in the same black thigh-high boots with a slight heel that he'd been wearing on stage. The coat and the boats made a stark contrast with each other – the practical and the theatrical.

Jiwon was struck with the impression that this boy must be from another world: he was too tall and too elegant and too lovely to be a simple earthling. He could easily have passed for a model. Jiwon looked up into his face and realised that what had seemed like perfection under the stage lights was not in the least diminished by the reduction in distance. The boy was beautiful with his dark alluring eyes and wavy soft hair. No wonder he was the pride of the club.

"Hi" Jiwon greeted with a smile. Yukari startled slightly, not having noticed him sat among the shadows.

"Ah" he said surprised, quickly taking in Jiwon's lit cigarette, expensive business suit and easy expression. "Shouldn't you be inside? You're missing the show."

Jiwon gave a brief chuckle. "To be honest, I don't have much interest in men."

"Oh I… see." Yukari gave him another glance over, and seemed to relax a little. "Got a light?"

Jiwon held out his lighter in one hand. Yukari took it carefully, his long cool fingers brushing delicately against Jiwon's palm. He lit his cigarette before passing the object back with a mumbled word of thanks. Jiwon nodded a brief acknowledgement.

He wondered a little at the way Yukari had relaxed upon hearing that Jiwon was not gay. He considered what it must mean to be desired as a sexual object by so many. How did this Yukari cope with being in such a position? It seemed as if he wasn't keen on the attention he inadvertently received. Then why did he work in a place like this one? Jiwon pursed his lips thoughtfully.

"If you're not interested in boys, I wonder why you are visiting this place. There are no women here you know."  
Jiwon smiled slightly at the question. "I'm meeting a business partner" he explained. "He's a regular here apparently."

"A regular?" Yukari took a long and thoughtful drag on his cigarette, "What's his name?"

"Matsumo Magari. The CEO of the Matsumo Media Corp."

"Oh." Yukari responded, turning his eyes up to the sky as if looking for the stars. Jiwon looked up too. The sky was empty; they were deep in the city after all. He looked back at the boy beside him.

"Well, do you know him then?" he prompted curiously.

"Yeah. I know him."

Jiwon blinked. "Well then, what do you think of him?"

Yukari looked puzzled at this question. "What do you mean?"

"I mean… do you think he is honest? Trustworthy? The kind of man to do business with?"

Yukari seemed, if anything, even more confused, but then he simply shrugged in dismissal and replied. "He is a smooth talker. He seems friendly and honest, but he lies easily, and he makes empty promises. I… dislike him."

Jiwon mulled over this for a while. "That's very interesting. I'll bear it in mind," he gave the boy a grateful smile, "Thank you."

Yukari seemed surprised "You believe me?" he queried.

"Why? Are you lying?"

"No but…" Yukari trailed off and then sighed. "Never mind."

A companionable silence settled over them as they both drew comfort from the smoky trails of tobacco. Jiwon cast fugitive glances over at the other boy, still amazed by the perfection of his physical form. It wasn't attraction so much as wonder, perhaps even jealousy. The boy just had a presence that drew the eye irresistibly, as all great things of beauty did.

Jiwon felt weirdly honoured to be so close to this creature when so many others would be envious of his luck. He was grateful to have the chance to converse with him, try and learn a little more about such a beautiful person as this.

"Yukari…" he muttered thoughtfully. "Is that a stage name? Do you have a real name?"

A slightly irritated purse of his lips followed that question. "That isn't any of your business."

"Ah, sorry, I didn't mean to be rude" Jiwon hastily apologised. "But it's an unusual name, Yukari. What does it mean?"

"It's a kind of tree, with silver leaves."

Eucalyptus.

"A kind of tree?" Jiwon pondered aloud. "Then, I wonder if your real name is also a kind of tree?"

Yukari rolled his eyes a little. "Like what?"

"Like…" the name rose on his tongue like it had been lingering there all these years, just waiting for this moment "… Junhoe."

Yukari snorted softly. "Junhoe is like a girl's name."

"Not necessarily. I knew a boy called Junhoe once. He was my rival back in high school."

"Really?" Yukari huffed a little. "What became of him?"

"I don't know…" Jiwon said regretfully. "I lost contact with him after I went on to university."

"Well that's too bad" Yukari shrugged and dropped his cigarette butt to the floor finished. "I'm heading back inside."

"Ah! Wait, here…" Jiwon fished in his pocket for a moment and produced his business card. "I really appreciate the information on Matsumo. I don't know if there's anything I can do for you but, if you ever need a favour or something, just let me know." He offered the card in two hands, and Yukari took it although he looked more than a little sceptical at the offer. Jiwon wondered if he heard similar and emptier words on a daily basis. "My name is Jiwon." He added. "Kim Jiwon. Like the clothing stores, perhaps you've heard of them?"

Yukari blinked in recognition. "Jiwon?" he repeated.

"Yeah. We have several stores downtown I guess you might have noticed them…"

Yukari nodded slowly. "Yeah I've… I've heard the name."

Jiwon smiled. "Great, well, like I said, come by anytime you need something."

"Uhm yeah. Thanks." Yukari peered over at him for a moment before giving a brief dip of his head. Then, tucking the small card into his trench coat pocket, he turned to disappear back into the club.

Alone again, Jiwon checked his watch for the final time and decided not to bother to wait any longer. He stood, dusted off his pants and, after extinguishing his own cigarette beside Yukari's, he turned his feet for home.

Yukari meanwhile descended the staff stairs into the basement of the club. Here was a labyrinth of corridors lined with identical dressing room doors. The place smelt musty, a little damp, a little neglected. He wandered the cold and impersonal corridors distractedly, fingering the card in his pocket with one hand, replaying the conversation he'd just had in his mind. His feet guided him without conscious thought to the door of his own room which he pushed open and entered.

It was as he'd left it. Twin beds, one for him, one for his recently eloped roommate, a cracked mirror over a small dressing table that was crowded with makeup and paints and glitter, a rail for costumes, a messy pile of high boots and a few folded pieces of street clothes: jeans and t-shirts and trainers. This was the sum of his possessions. And this, what could first be mistaken for a dressing room, this was his home.

He sat himself dazedly at the table, and stared into the mirror. Removing the business card from his pocket he slid it into the side of the mirror's frame where it stuck, and he watched it for several moments, rereading the details thoughtfully. Then he rubbed his tired eyes and lifted two hands to remove the pins from his soft brown curls. With a grip, he took hold of the long fibres and pulled them so that his hair line suddenly seemed to shift forwards an inch or two. He dealt with the pins he had missed and then remove the wig entirely. From underneath the brown curls, long and straight black bangs immediately fell down over his eyes. He brushed them aside impatiently, looping them behind his ears.

Finally, with care, he put his fingers to his face and with a practised pinch removed the coloured contacts from his eyes.

When he examined his reflection again, the unmistakeable brown eyes of Koo Junhoe gazed steadily back at him.

He stifled a yawn and reread the business card one last time. He removed it carefully from the frame, hesitating over it regretfully, but then in a sudden moment of decision let it tumble from his hand into the litter bin.

He stood up and pulled off his boots before collapsing onto his bed tiredly, staring up at the ceiling blankly.

"Not gay?" he muttered to himself. "I guess that means I won't be seeing him here again." He rolled over and looked at the wall.

"Thank God" he added, though it seemed more to convince himself than a matter of the truth since he didn't get to sleep for several hours for worrying about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really sure about the meaning of Junhoe's name or what it stands for and if it's a girly girl name.. so everything about the meaning of his name is just a made up story from me....


	3. Dried Whiskey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's the lazy bum who decided to make an update every Monday and Friday? 
> 
> Me.
> 
> LOL. Anyway, enjoy this chapter. 
> 
>  
> 
> [ any typos and grammar lapses is my fingers fault, blame them ]

.  
.  
Jiwon looked up from the proof photos he had been flicking through. The photographer who went by the name Jinhwan was sitting comfortably in the chair on the opposite side of his desk waiting expectantly. He was a handsome man, with effortless style and oozing confidence. He had worked as the in-house photographer for the Jiwon clothing brand for three years now and had never fallen short of his reputation as both an artistic genius and an incurable playboy.

Though Jiwon wouldn't have minded throwing criticism at his work just to bring the man's artistic ego back down to earth for a while, finding fault with him was almost impossible. The pictures were stunning as always.

"Disappointing, right?" Jinhwan commented into Jiwon's silence, a suggestive smile on his face. "I don't think the line has as much sex appeal as last year. I mean, really, this model was so hot I almost wanted to smash the damn camera and fuck him then and there, but he still looks like a dustman in that suit ah" he sighed theatrically, "isn't it just awful?"

Jiwon ignored his equal parts of fastidiousness and crudeness. As far as he could see, the pictures were everything he had hoped for, but still he recognised that of the two of them Jinhwan was the true genius of photographic promotion, and despite his often questionable manners, Jiwon trusted his judgement.

"What do you need to make it better Jinhwan?" he asked with a small sigh.

"Better clothes" Jinhwan prodded mercilessly.

Jiwon nearly rolled his eyes. "The line has been finalised for the season and production is already in full swing. The clothes are the one thing I can't change. What else?"

"I guess I'll think about it" Jinhwan replied moodily, as if Jiwon were being unreasonable. "How was the meeting with that Matsumo arsehole?"

Jiwon hesitated, knowing that Jinhwan was going to laugh at his expense over the failed meeting. "He didn't show up" he conceded finally.

As expected, Jinhwan burst into laughter. "I told you that man is a total pussy fag. He talks big but you can tell his cock is tiny. He's just that kind of man."

"He's run highly successful campaigns for several billion-dollar brands" Jiwon pointed out patiently. "Besides, he called and apologised and I'm going to meet him tonight instead."

Jinhwan threw up his hands dramatically. "You're the boss. But I'm telling you we don't need him on the campaign."

"I'll certainly take your opinion into account" Jiwon agreed amicably. Jinhwan looked like he didn't believe him.

===

Later that night, and for the second consecutive night in a row, Jiwon found himself presiding over a glass of whiskey in the now almost familiar bar of the Paradise Lost club.

He'd already spoken at length with Matsumo. They had come to a natural conclusion to their business and, as their conversation lulled, they'd both turned their eyes instead upon the stage where Yukari was dancing for them effortlessly.

Thoughts of marketing strategies and promotional events vacated his mind as Jiwon watched the boy move, entranced. He stared not with the same desire as Matsumo but with something more innocent. It seemed strange but although Yukari's body didn't affect him, his beauty did. He was drawn not to his sexuality, but to his intrigue. He had no wish to hold and posses him, but he found himself wanting to know more. It was a little troubling. He sighed.

"This boy" Matsumo commented, "I think I'm in love."

Jiwon raised an eyebrow but didn't avert his eyes. "He's a good dancer" he conceded.

Matsumo laughed from the very depths of his gut. "Believe me, it's not his dancing I'm interested in."

Jiwon resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Instead he kept his attention focused on the boy. He had been surprised to see that Yukari's appearance this night was startlingly different from yesterday. His brown homely beachside curls had been replaced with shoulder-length choppy blond bangs, and his costume was tight gothic black leather and lace against pale skin. The eyes he threw over his enraptured audience like a net were a dazzling emerald green. A different night, a different dance, a different persona.

Jiwon had wondered for a moment whether this preoccupation with outward appearance was a sign of a materialistic nature. But the way the boy had so jealously guarded his name in their conversation last night made Jiwon realise that more likely it was a way to hide his true identity behind a mask. Changing colours like a chameleon until the real colour could not be distinguished from the rest.

Jiwon wondered what the boy's true personality was actually like. Was he as extroverted and theatrical as his stage presence suggested, or was he quite different? How would he look without costume and make up?

Yukari's darting eyes picked out their table amongst the crowd and stopped there for a moment though he continued to arch and curl his back sensuously for the benefit of the men who leaned forward by the stage, keen to tuck thrifty notes securely between skin and lace. He took in the sight of Jiwon and Matsumo both, his movements slowing slightly as if he had become distracted by what he saw. The next moment however he had turned his head away in a toss of blond hair and continued with renewed vigour, determinedly not looking in their direction again.

Jiwon was puzzled at this sudden cold shoulder. Was it because he was sitting with Matsumo despite Yukari's advice against him? Did it seem to Yukari that Jiwon had been insincere in his gratitude yesterday? He was so concerned that this might be the case, and that offense might have been given, that he didn't listen to Matsumo's conversation.

"So, tomorrow afternoon then?"

Jiwon blinked. "Sorry, what?"

"The proofs." Matsumo repeated. "For the marketing campaign. I will have them sent to your office tomorrow afternoon for consideration"

"Ah yes. That will be fine. Thanks."

The song came to a close and Jiwon lifted his eyes to see Yukari leave the stage and another group of dancers take his place. With that distraction gone he looked back at Matsumo only to see him pulling on his coat.

"Leaving?" he asked surprised. The night was still young; it had not yet gone eleven.

"Yes, as I said I have a meeting quite early tomorrow…"

"Of yes of course, you said…" Jiwon nodded, not recalling that part of the conversation at all. "Well then."

Matsumo nodded and smiled. "It's good to do business with you, Jiwon-sshi. I truly admire your taste."

Jiwon didn't understand what he meant by that and if there was some kind of double meaning to those words it escaped him as they bowed to one another and Matsumo headed off towards the door. Jiwon sighed and twirled the remaining liquid around his glass distractedly. No longer interested in watching the stage now that Yukari was gone he rose from his isolated table and drifted over towards the bar to sit along the high stools instead.

"Didn't expect to see you back so soon" the bartender was smiling at him from behind a row of clean glasses. "Have you come to realise your true preference?"

Jiwon found himself smiling back. Although the man's large body had an intimidating appearance he seemed friendly enough and this time Jiwon did not deny him his indulgence in small talk.

"No, I was just meeting someone."

"Ah, that Matsumo guy? But I see he has already left, yet you are still here?" the man winked and laughed.

His observation was true enough and Jiwon nodded with a smile because he had no come back and ordered a last drink.

He wondered whether he had stayed because of the surprisingly comfortable sensation of the place, or perhaps because of the way Yukari's dancing had so effortlessly swept all his business concerns away. Or had he stayed because he held a half-wish to see that Yukari again, to speak to him more, to set right the bad feeling the boy seemed to have towards him?

The bartender drifted further down the bar to serve other patrons, leaving Jiwon alone with his thoughts.  
Yukari had been right when he'd said that Matsumo was a smooth talker. The man was highly likeable. He seemed so open and unashamed of his sexual orientation that it was easy to see him as a genuine and self-aware individual. However Jiwon held back his judgement, Yukari's words having raised his guard far more effectively than Jinhwan's complaints.

After all, Jinhwan was only seeking to protect his own prospects within the company but Yukari had nothing to gain by slandering Matsumo without cause.

"Hey Soma…" a nearby voice made its way into Jiwon's thoughts and he looked up to see that a second person had appeared behind the bar alongside the bartender, his back to Jiwon. The newcomer was dressed in a plain white t-shirt over loose jeans. He had a simple hoop of silver in each ear almost hidden behind his mop of typical oriental black hair. There seemed to be no conscious styling involved in his fashion, but his tall and slim frame added a kind of poise to his otherwise plain and masculine clothes.

"Yukari!" the bartender, the one addressed as Soma, exclaimed in surprise, casting a critical eye over Yukari's appearance. Jiwon was also surprised. Without his flamboyant and effeminate costumes he hadn't recognised the boy at all.

How surprising to see him with normal hair just like the rest of us. And actually looking like a real boy too. He suppose he is mortal after all.

"You know you shouldn't come on the floor dressed like that." Soma began, "If the boss sees you…"

"Relax" Yukari chided him, "I'm not going on the floor. I'm going out to look for my roommate. Can you cover for me?"

The bartender was taken aback for a moment by the request, but then his eyes twinkled with mischief. "I always knew your don't-give-a-damn attitude was just an act" he teased.

"Well someone has to find him" Yukari snapped back irritated.

"Right, right" Soma waved a hand, still amused, "I got it. Go right ahead."

Yukari huffed and turned away to leave, but as he did so, came to notice the watching Jiwon sitting behind him. He froze as if caught in headlights. Jiwon stared back at him in equal surprise.

Brown. He realised.

His eyes are brown.

For the second time that long-ago name rose on his tongue confusedly "Junhoe…?"

Yukari's eyes widened, but then he turned swiftly on his heel and vanished into the back of the bar. Jiwon rose from his seat meaning to call out to him, but he was too late. He strained his neck to look, but Yukari had already gone. He dropped back into his seat dazed.

"Is it possible? I didn't notice their similarity before but, when he is dressed more plainly, the resemblance is uncanny. But how can I be sure?" Jiwon muses.

He pursed his lips in indecision before calling the bartender back over.

"That boy Yukari" he began, his lips strangely dry. "Do you know his real name?"

The man guffawed loudly in response, "seems you have an awakened interest after all!"

Jiwon shook his head, "It's not that, I just…"

"Oh, you don't have to explain yourself to me" Soma exclaimed in amusement, clearly still with the wrong idea, "but in honesty – no. I don't know his real name. No one does. And even if I did I wouldn't sell him out to you. He's a good kid, Yukari, and I'd keep his secrets as if they were my own."

Jiwon sighed in disappointment, but nodded his head in understanding. "Then, is there some way for me to meet up with him? I want to talk to him…"

"Oh sure. Talk to him. That's what they all say" Soma seemed hopelessly amused. "But listen, if you really want to meet Yukari, you'll have to do what everyone else does."

"What?" Jiwon pressed.

Soma grinned, revealing a mouthful of yellowed teeth.  
"Pay up" he said.


	4. Unexpected Work

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm late in posting this, I know! It was my Chanwoo's bday yesterday, so I celebrated it quietly on my own. Hahahaha.
> 
> Let me know what you think after reading this, okay?
> 
>  
> 
> [ sorry if there are any typos and grammar slips, bear with it... ]

.  
.  
.  
Yukari's efforts turned out to be fruitless. He tried to touch ground with every contact he and his roommate had in common, but no one had any information, or if they did they weren't divulging it. Finally, weary and dejected, he was forced to head back to the club knowing that he needed to sleep if he was going to dance tomorrow. A digital clock on a permanent billboard told him it had already gone 3am.

As he entered through the back entrance of the club, one of the other dancers hurried up to him.

"You got a private client waiting."

Yukari sighed in irritation. He really didn't feel like dancing for anyone. "Where?" he asked tiredly.

"Soma took him to your room."

Yukari's eyes widened. "What? Why did he do that?"

"The guy requested it, apparently. I don't know why Soma agreed though."

Great. ' Another madman who probably wants to smell my damn underwear. Just what I don't need. What the hell is Soma thinking?'

"I'm not even in costume…" Yukari grumbled aspirated. Of course he would need to use his room to get his clothes, but if the man was in there he wouldn't be able to change.

The other dancer just shrugged like it wasn't his problem and hurried off.

Grumbling to himself about the idiocy of the situation Yukari decided he didn't have a choice and headed in the direction of his room. He didn't want to be seen without what he deemed his protective disguise, so he hesitated outside the door for a while, even going so far as to listen carefully at the woodwork for any noise. As there was nothing to be heard, and nothing else for it, he finally knocked on his own door and called out a brief "excuse me" before opening it and looking inside.

To his surprise the room was empty.

He stood in the doorway for several moments just looking at the empty room in confusion. Had there been a mistake? Had the client been sent to the wrong room, or had he become tired of waiting and simply left?

Either way, he felt relieved that he might not have to deal with whoever it was. Private dances paid better, but were so much more tiring than stage routines. They required so much more physical contact, and so prayed more mercilessly upon his mental barriers. The stares and lustful gazes he'd long ago learnt to block out of his concerns, but when it came to actual hands, actual warmth, he struggled with the concept. Although he'd never actually prostitute himself – he had too much pride for that - private dances still left him feeling dirty and whore-ish.

Unwilling to chase down the source of the apparent mistake, he simply fell onto the bed and decided to put it down to luck and forget about it. Staring at the ceiling once again he was reminded suddenly of Jiwon's face which he'd so unluckily seen again tonight. Immediately he rolled onto his side in agitation. He hadn't thought that that guy from his past would come back to the club again. And worse, Jiwon had seen him dressed in his normal clothes. He didn't know if he had been recognised or not, but the worry gnawed at him.

He chewed distractedly on a nail. What if Jiwon had been the private client? What a nightmare. He twisted and turned the other way. If so, why did he pay but then leave without seeing me? He couldn't puzzle it out.

Finally a suspicion came to his mind and he climbed off the bed thoughtfully. With two hands he took a grasp of the heavy mattress and gave a soft grunt as he heaved it up to reveal the brown A4 envelop hidden underneath. His treasure trove. Inside were pictures and mementos of things close to his heart. The team photo of their basketball club taken just after they had beaten their rival school at their first ever Inter-High tournament, now dog-eared after much handling. The sheet that named him as MVP during his second year when their school had finished in second place at the tournament, second in all of Korea. A photo of him alongside his eldest sister during times when she's been healthier. All these things were familiar to him, but now he saw that an addition had been made. On top of the envelop a new picture had appeared along with a brief note.

"Junhoe. This is from my wallet. I'd appreciate its return. Come by whenever you want, no questions asked. I've missed you – Jiwon."

So the private client had been him after all. Yukari grimaced slightly and turned his attention to the picture. Past days, sunnier and more carefree years were etched into the scene. Of course it was the two of them, sitting on the ground at the court where they used to play together, both tired from their exertions, looking back at the camera seriously, almost arrogantly, like the two cool kids of their generation. Jiwon had a bottle of Pocari in his hands, having just taken a swig of the sports drink, while Junhoe was wiping sweat from his forehead with the band on his arm.

He stared at the picture for a while. Back then, they'd looked so good together. They'd matched. They had been so similar. But now.

Now…

This gulf was impossibly large.

Everyone in this city had heard of Jiwon's, the popular clothing brand. The young CEO, this Kim Jiwon who Junhoe had once known, had purchased a failing company a few years ago and turned its fortunes around almost overnight. They had several stores in different areas downtown, and more spread across other cities. Rumours said they were headed for international level and would be appearing this year on the catwalks in Milan. Such success for the young prodigious man.

And then, here he was, Koo Junhoe – or better known now as Yukari – famous in his own seedier way. He hadn't graduated from high school, dropping out early in his third year on account of his sister's deteriorating health. Money had been important then, still was in fact, so he'd taken a job behind the bar in this club. Six months later and it had become obvious to him that the better money was made on the stage, so he'd found himself there for the first time, and as of today still hadn't left.

What he earned covered his sister's medical costs, and allowed her to reside full-time at the hospital where she was being treated. He didn't earn too much but it was enough, and without even a high school diploma his other options were pretty limited.

Was he ashamed of himself? Of what he did? Perhaps. No one did this kind of job if they had anywhere else to go, right? Still he'd survived for this long without any real detriment to his pride. No, he decided, it was not that he was always ashamed of what he had become. The only reason he felt this mortified was because the person he'd run into was Jiwon. Meeting anyone else from his former life would have been embarrassing of course, but Jiwon was something else entirely.

For so long he'd measured himself by the yard sticks Jiwon had left in the ground. Compared to Jiwon, next to Jiwon, every moment, every game, every pass and every missed shot. It hadn't mattered who he was playing against, or who was sitting in the crowd: to Junhoe every opposing team had been R University, every defender that blocked his path to the basket had been Jiwon, every streaking fast break that rushed upon him had been Jiwon's attack.

Before he knew it, Jiwon had become basketball, and basketball had become Jiwon. There was nothing else for him, he couldn't settle his emotions nor separate the two any longer. His obsession with basketball had become an obsession with his rival. Jiwon had become everything.

So blind he had become at that time, so insular and so wretched. So desperate to be closer to him, to be more like him in any way possible, Jiwon had seemed to him like a god. It was almost pitiful. He recalled his teenaged self crouching in the school's shower stalls, touching himself first hesitantly and then more vigorously, pumping at his heat, imagining all the while Jiwon winning, Jiwon scoring, Jiwon beating him until he orgasmed over his own hands with a pathetic cry, horrified with himself.

And then it had ended. So abruptly it seemed a little unfair that all his fire had been so wasted and misplaced. Jiwon had gone off to university to play in tougher and more demanding leagues without a backwards glance, and Junhoe had silently slipped out of school shortly after, vanishing from Seoul, not to be heard from again.

And basketball? No, Junhoe didn't really miss it. It had never been the same without 'him' anyway.

But now he was back.

And though they didn't play basketball any longer, Jiwon was still his rival. Still his obsession. Still the harbinger of his sexuality.

He stared down at the picture. No – he reminded himself - he was no longer the weak, obsessive and tormented teenager he had once been. Now he was a more experienced and more stable adult, fully reconciled to his sexuality. Proud of it, even. He knew the attraction of his body, he knew emotions, how to arouse, how to tease, how to abandon. Yes, he even knew how to love and how to lose.

No – he shouldn't let his teenaged years bother him so much. That was all past. Not even his desire for Jiwon lingered any longer – these emotions, it was just memory, just 'habit'.

He had to return this. He had to return this picture, let the past go once and for all, and then steel himself in the decision to never see him again.

The sooner the better.

He looked at the clock – 5am – it was too late now. No one would be at the office address at this hour. Later then, first thing. He'd go and he'd say goodbye to his foolish teenaged self. He rolled over, eyebrows creased, and fell into a restless sleep.

=====

"No just… wait… Jinhwan listen, I know" Jiwon gasped in aspiration as Jinhwan's irritated voice berated him down the phone line even as he struggled down the street towards the office.

"I can't work like this!" Jinhwan seethed down the line. "It's ridiculous!"

"I'll sort it out" Jiwon told him placating, keeping the phone pressed to his ear with his shoulder as he struggled to insert coins into a street vending machine for his daily morning coffee, briefcase in one hand and newspaper tucked under his arm. "Just stay at the studio. I'm nearly there."

Jinhwan let out an exasperated tsk of annoyance and hung up.

The equally irritated Jiwon extracted his hot canned drink from the machine's window, although he had to abandon the coin that he dropped in the process, and continued on down the street cursing the difficulties of working with artists.

His heels clicked against the concrete and he strode briskly towards the office block that was his destination when he nearly pulled up short at the sight of the boy standing on the pavement outside the revolving doors looking up at the tall building dazedly.

Jiwon's heart leapt to see him there, recognising his tall and elegant frame despite the distance. He hurried onwards and came up beside him, a little hot with the effort of his running.

"Junhoe!" he exclaimed.

The boy turned startled at his sudden arrival, taking in his somewhat harried appearance critically. He himself was dressed much as Jiwon had seen him the night before, a simple white t-shirt and blue jeans over trainers. Silver added that hint of casual style at his ears and on a slim chain that he wore around his neck. He looked relaxed and easy, especially next to Jiwon's flushed face and slightly crumpled suit.

"Jiwon" he replied in surprise upon seeing him, but then spoke with all the aloofness he could muster, "I came to return your…"

"Thank God you're here" Jiwon didn't let him finish, speaking over him with a slightly frantic smile, "I'm in a bit of a pinch, do you think you could do me a favour?"

Junhoe stared in surprise.

"A favour…?" He repeated. He couldn't see what Jiwon could possibly need from him.

"Yes, yes, I'll explain inside, but please help…" Jiwon all but pleaded, placing a hand on Junhoe's back and encouraging him towards the door of the office block. "It won't take too long, I hope."

"But I…" Junhoe protested in confusion as they entered through the revolving doors, pressed close to one another in the confined space. This wasn't going as Junhoe had planned at all.

Inside the office lobby was modern and clean and air conditioned. The floor was smooth marble such than the place seemed more like a hotel than an office. A smartly dressed woman who reminded Junhoe of the air hostess pictures seen in travel agent's windows was at the reception immediately to their right. She stood and bowed as they entered together.

"Good morning Jiwon-sshi", she turned her beautiful oval eyes upon Junhoe beside him, "Sir."

Junhoe reflexively tried to bow back, but almost stumbled as Jiwon kept bowling them onwards towards the lifts directly ahead of them.

"Jisoo, please tell Yuri to cancel my 12:00 meeting, something's come up" he told the woman even as he walked past. "Have the proofs arrived from Matsumo yet?"

"No, sir."

"Make sure they come straight to my office when they do."

"Yes, sir."

He hurried Junhoe into the lift and stabbed the button for the eighth floor, the doors closing upon the view of the receptionist who had already picked up the telephone to call upstairs in accordance with Jiwon's demands.

Junhoe could only stare at him aghast in the relative calm of the elevator as it ascended.

"Are you always this stressed?" he demanded.

Jiwon blanked in confusion for a moment before shrugging and rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment. "Sorry" he said, smilingly, "this morning is a little crazy."

"And you need my help?" Junhoe queried in wonder.

"More than anything" Jiwon replied as the lift emitted a bell chime and the doors slid smoothly open to reveal the empty corridor of the eighth floor.

Jinhwan was immediately in Jiwon's face even before they'd taken not three steps out of the lift.

"This is crazy!" he exclaimed, "Can you believe it? We had a contract; they can't just pull out like this just because some stupid American company took a liking to him! I saw him first and… oh." His trailed off mid-rant as his eyes came to rest on Junhoe. "Oh" he repeated.

"Uhm, Jinhwan this is my old friend from school, Junh-"

"Yukari" Junhoe cut smoothly across him, eying Jinhwan's stylishly cut suit and handsome feature. "I'm Yukari."

"Ah, yes, Yukari" Jiwon corrected himself. "Yukari, this is my in-house photographer, Jinhwan."

The expression of childish rage immediately evaporated from Jinhwan's features and a smooth silken smile took its place. "Yukari" he repeated. "Lovely name. Really… suits you." He stepped closer to Junhoe, effectively screening Jiwon out of the conversation, "Tell me, have you ever worked as a model before?"

Junhoe's eyes trailed deliberately down the length of Jinhwan's body appraisingly before his eyes flicked back up to meet his stare. "Not at all" he replied softly.

"Wonderful" Jinhwan's smile widened and he moved to stand close beside Junhoe, placing a hand on his shoulder and gesturing with his other arm that they should walk towards his studio, "I like to have models who are a little more fresh, a little more… raw."

Jinhwan looked back as they walked and gave Jiwon a smile over his shoulder. "You don't need to worry about a thing Jiwon-sshi" he said contentedly. "Yukari and I are going to make your ugly clothes look smoking hot."

Gritting his teeth a little at the jibe, Jiwon swiftly followed them down the passageway towards the studio, wondering if this had really been such a brilliant idea after all.


	5. Photoshoot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The promised bonus chapter. HAHAHAHA.

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"This isn't working" Jinhwan exclaimed exasperated, dropping the camera onto the table with a clunk.

Jiwon sighed slightly from where he was watching the proceedings by the door. Junhoe certainly looked good dressed in Jinhwan's favourite selections from the spring range, perched in various positions as Jinhwan directed: lying back on the sofa like Cleopatra, or looking thoughtfully out of the sunny window dressed in white linen, the morning light brightening his face.

He always seemed to have more buttons undone than buttoned up though, Jiwon noticed, and Jinhwan seemed to enjoy spending a disproportionate amount of time helping him into various positions, not missing a single opportunity to touch hands with him. Jiwon watched this continuous string of flirtations with disapproval, and couldn't understand why Junhoe did not seem as aspirated as he was about the whole thing considering that he was the one having to endure the advances of the persistent playboy.

Still, Jinhwan was not satisfied with the shots, and Jiwon for once understood why. Though he looked nothing less than lovely, it seemed Junhoe was having some trouble relaxing in front of the camera. His motions were a little awkward, his poses a little forced, in short he was being too self conscious. Having seen him dance on the stage with so much sexual abandon, Jiwon wondered what had caused Junhoe to close up so much in these smaller and more intimate surroundings.

Perhaps it was Jinhwan's unwanted flirtations that were causing the problem? Jiwon reminded himself to reprimand Jinhwan over his lack of tact later...

"Okay!" Jinhwan finally declared, hands on hips, "That's it. You, straight boy! Out of my studio!"

Jiwon blinked as Jinhwan pointed an accusing finger directly at him.

"Wh- what?" he spluttered, completely taken aback.

"You're making Yukari nervous, the way you keep staring at him like that. No wonder he can't relax. Now get out."

"Staring?" Niwon repeated, dumbfounded, "I'm not…"

Jinhwan rolled his eyes and refused to back down, hands still on hips. Junhoe shifted a little where he stood under the lights and looked away.

'He wants to be alone with him' Jiwon realised, mouth hanging open. 'Jinhwan is trying to get me out of the way so he can flirt some more…'

"Listen Jinhwan…" he began, setting his jaw into a firm line, but Jinjwan spoke over him grumpily.

"Yukari, tell him."

Jiwon's eyes swung over to Junhoe who didn't immediately respond, instead looking over at Jinhwan confusedly. Then he sighed.

"I think…" he began, looking up finally to meet Jiwon's eye, "…I think if would be easier for me if… if you left… Jiwon."

Jiwon stared thunderstruck. Was he serious? He opened his mouth to argue but saw that it was two against one and closed it again. How could he possibly be the cause of Junhoe's self-consciousness? He was just sitting quietly here. And he hadn't been staring at anyone, for God's sakes.

"Straight boy" Jinhwan repeated in the silence of Jiwon's indecision, "out."

Jiwon hesitated a moment longer before throwing up his hands with a huff. "Fine. But you better behave yourself Jinhwan. I'll be in my office, top floor, Junh… Yukari, come on up when you're done, or… or if there's any… problems." He gave Jinhwan a final warning stare before turning on his heel and leaving with as much dignity as he could muster.

The two boys who remained in the room stared at the newly closed door silently for a few moments. Then they both caught each other's eye, the tension fractured noticeably and they smiled to one another.

"What a prude" Jinhwan chuckled at Jiwon's expense. "Where on earth did you meet that guy?"

"He was my rival back in high school" Junhoe explained with a tiny smile.

"Are you serious?"

Junhoe nodded and Jiwon smiled warmly at him. "Well, now that he's out the way…" he walked over to where Junhoe still knelt on the floor, buttons deliberately undone, revealing his sensuous delicate swan neck and smooth toned physique, "…stop holding back. I wanna see what you can really do."

The boy known as Yukari's response was a sensuous smile and a teasing run of his fingers over his lips. "Got that camera ready?"

=====

Jiwon flipped through the photos in astonishment. He looked up at Jinhwan who stood grinning like a Cheshire cat on the other side of his desk, switched his eyes to Junhoe who looked away, and back down to the photos again.

"These are…"

"I know, right?" Jinhwan laughed proudly. "He's perfect. A natural."

Jiwon continued to stare at the pictures. The allure, the desirability, the oozing sexuality of the prints was like nothing he'd ever seen before. He felt himself heat up just looking at them.

"I…" he began to stammer, before a knock at the door interrupted him. His secretary, the young and beautiful Yuri, looked in with a large wrapped packet in her hands.

"Excuse me, sir…" she bowed, "…the prints from Matsumo Media are here. Where would you like me to put them?"

Jiwon stared at her for a moment before looking back down at the proofs in his hands.

"In the bin" he replied dazedly. The woman looked highly uncertain for a moment, but then gave a nod of understanding and withdraw from the room without question.

Jinhwan let out a laugh of glee and danced back to take Junhoe's arm happily. "This is just great. When can you come back to shoot the rest of the catalogue?"

Junhoe looked at Jiwon in some confusion. "Well… actually you said this was just a favour and I kind of need to work…"

"Pff! Work!" Jinhwan dismissed his concerns with a wave of his hand. "Jiwon – how much are you gonna pay him? I'll take him down to HR now and get it sorted."

"I wasn't expecting…" Junhoe began, but Jiwon interrupted him.

"Of course we will pay you for your time" he said as if the implication to the contrary were a personal slight.

"But…"

"The standard rate for an inexperienced model is 500 dollars" Jinhwan pointed out "but he's exceptional, you know. He's easily worth twice as much."

"1000?" Jiwon grimaced slightly, still flipping through the photos thoughtfully. "That's steep."

"Spoken like a true businessman" Jinhwan rolled his eyes. "Isn't he your good friend? Have a little generosity for once."

"Okay, okay" Jiwon waved a hand, knowing it was impossible to argue with Jinhwan. "Whatever you want. 1000 dollars. Go ahead."

Junhoe meanwhile furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "1000 for the session? Isn't that too…"

"No" Jinhwan shook his head at him, "1000 per hour."

"Per hour?" he looked nothing short of shocked. Even a teacher wouldn't earn that much.

"Believe me, you're worth every penny. You're gorgeous. Besides, this campaign is going to make Jiwon a very, very rich man. You deserve your share. Now come!" He pulled Junhoe towards the door. I'll take you down to HR, and after that I'm taking you out for lunch! My treat."

Jinhwan gave Junhoe a warm smile, keeping a hand on his arm as he drew him out of Jiwon'a office, leaving the thoughtful CEO behind.

When Jiwon finally looked up from the pictures in his lap, the unlikely pair had long gone. Ticking his eyebrows slightly he ran his fingers over one of the images of Junhoe. It was a slow action shot, a picture of the boy removing his shirt, lifting it up to reveal the perfect contours of his chest, eyes staring directly into the camera as if in tease. Every inch of him was beyond perfect. Complete seduction.

But it was not simply a body. Not just an attractive object or a thing of sexuality. It was 'Junhoe'. It was that boy of fire that had so inspired Jiwon during their high school rivalry. Behind those seductive eyes were the shared memories of their tentative friendship, the indescribable determination to win, a pride that could never be broken.  
Something unfamiliar in Jiwon's stomach clenched at he looked at the picture.

After a moment he reached for the phone on his desk and made a connection to his secretary outside the room. "Yuri" he said, "there's a picture from the shoot today… yes… number 113… uh huh… I want blown up to poster size and hung in my office. Ok. Thanks."

He hung up and looked thoughtful for a while. Suddenly a strangely uncomfortable thought struck him.

"How come he can make these faces for Jinhwan… but not for me?"

=====

"So" Jinhwan began, bringing over the tray laden with coffee and stuffed baguettes, setting it down on the café's blue and white tablecloth gently, looking slightly odd in such a homely pose despite his modern cut business suit and stylish hair "what's the deal with you guys?"

Junhoe only looked up at him puzzled, extracting his coffee cup from the tray and pouring in some milk.

Jinhwan preferred his coffee black and so sat back, crossing his legs elegantly and lifting the cup to his lips. "Don't look at me like that. I mean you and the boss man of course."

"I haven't seen him for years. I only met him again by chance two days ago." Junhoe shrugged. "That's all." He mimicked Jinhwan by lifting his own cup to his lips.

"Yes, yes" Jinhwan waved a disinterested hand, "but do you like him?"

Junhoe immediately burnt his tongue on the scolding liquid, and hastily set the cup down with a gasp, reaching for a tissue as he spilled more hot coffee over his hand. Jinhwan assisted him in clearing up, but seemed amused at the reaction to his question.

"Well?" he pressed once Junhoe had settled himself again. "Your awkwardness in the studio was worlds beyond obvious, you know."

Embarrassed, Junhoe tried to shrug it off. "I did" he admitted awkwardly. "Back in high school. He was… well… maybe, but… of course he is straight. And now… I haven't seen him in a long time." He shrugged hopelessly. "I don't really know."

"An unrequited first love huh? That sucks." Jinhwan took a thoughtful bite of his baguette. "You're far too hot to waste time pining after straight boy. How about fucking me instead?"

Jinhwan lifted sceptical eyes, although he didn't seem fazed by the bluntness of the proclamation. His time working in the club had familiarised him with all manner of men and chat up lines. In response to Jinhwan's playboy antics he preferred to play along, at least momentarily. "You?" he retorted with teasing sceptically. "Do you really think I'd rather bed the employee than the CEO?"

"Sure, why not? I'm hot. You're hot. That's it. Besides you'd go really nice with my new bed sheets."

"It has always been my fantasy to match home decor" Junhoe commented dryly.

"No need to get prissy" Jinhwan complained lightly. "I still need to break them in, that's all. Might as well hit two birds with one stone."

"Hmmm" Junhoe looked thoughtful. "In the interests of efficiency perhaps it makes some sense. If I have to endure your company for continuing photo shoots I should at least get a good orgasm out of the whole thing, right?"

"Right" Jinhwan nodded enthusiastically. "That's what I've been saying the whole time. Wanna go now? My flat is right upstairs."

"You brought us to this café because it's downstairs from your flat?" Junhoe commented, slightly disbelieving.

"Doesn't hurt to plan ahead."

Junhoe had to hold back a chuckle. If wasn't often that he had the urge to laugh, but Jinhwan was surprisingly easy to get along with. However, rather than let his emotions get the better of him he instead took a passing glance at the wall clock. "Unfortunately I have to head back to work. Maybe next time."

Jinhwan deflated in visible disappointment. "And here I was hoping to gloat to straight boy about the whole thing."

Junhoe smiled slightly as he rose from his seat. "Thanks for lunch" he said.

"Thanks for everything" Jinhwan responded with a wink.


	6. Broken Wings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update. Three days in a row! Yay me!!! 
> 
> I apologize this early, I suck at giving names to characters, establishments, etc. I.e, Jiwon's company is called Jiwon.. lame right? HAHAHAHAHA.
> 
> Just enjoy and ignore my typos and grammar slips.

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Yukari opened his eyes to the sound of someone hammering on his door. He rolled over and groaned. The clock by the bed informed him that it was already seven, and that he was going to be late.

By the time he had stepped back into the club earlier that afternoon, it had been a little after four. He'd felt tired, having slept late the night before looking for his roommate, and having risen early and spending the entire morning at the Jiwon offices. He'd intended to get a few hours of sleep before the night rolled in again and he'd have to get back to work.

"Okay, okay" he called groggily, and the hammering on the door ceased. He needed to get dressed for the night, and would be expected upstairs on the floor for the start of his shift in about thirty minutes time. He rolled out of bed, his head a little uncomfortable from the strange sleeping hours, and looked confusedly about the room, orientating himself.

Then he set to work, pulling off the jeans that he'd fallen asleep in and throwing them aside, though not before removing the folded cheque from the pocket. He looked down at it. Three thousan dollars for only three hours of easy work. He didn't usually see that much money in a week. Still, he reminded himself, it was hardly a reliable source of income, and Jiwon had only increased it because of their past friendship. If he was lucky he might be able to get a few more hours in, but once the Jiwon catalogue shots were complete he doubted he'd be able to do anything similar again.

He lifted the mattress and placed the cheque with the rest of the things in the envelope for safe keeping. He also replaced the picture of Jiwon and himself which in the end he had completely forgotten to return to its owner.

He knew he ought to be grateful for Jiwon for this modelling opportunity, however brief.

Grateful to Jiwon… and to Jinhwan as well.

As the mattress dropped he thought again of the friendly photographer and couldn't help but smile. Successful and confident, he seemed to be the role model of a modern gay man. Good job, well dressed, flirtatious but not to the point of arrogance, at ease with his sexuality and his sure of his place in society.

Yukari admired that.

He wondered briefly whether Jinhwan would be able to help him get more opportunities for modelling. As a photographer he was likely to have some useful contacts within the industry… maybe Yukari could make use of that.

Giving it some thought, he continued with his preparations for the evening, taking a quick shower in the communal bathroom a little way down the corridor and deciding at the last moment to wear something cherubic on account of his positive mood.

He pulled on an impossibly tight pair of silver hot pants, checking himself from all angles in the cracked dressing room mirror. A pair of fluffy white wings sprung from his naked back with the assistance of some thin elastic looped under his arms and a simple pair of sandals held up by ribbon almost like a ballet shoe finished the costume.

He thought about his hair for a moment before electing to go for a soft silver wig with a feathery fringe that fell innocently about his face. As for his eyes – his own virgin dark hues would be good enough for tonight.

A little silver glitter dusted on his cheek bones and over the curves of his shoulders and chest before he hurried upstairs, wings bouncing slightly behind him as he went. For the first time in a long time his mood was upbeat.

Soma stopped him at the head of the stairs.

"You've got a private" he said quietly. Yukari halted, surprised. Did Jiwon come by again?

"I'm meant to be on stage…" he began, but Soma waved him off.

"Someone will be covering for you for the first shift. You can take the private now and be back on for the second rotation at nine. Boss's decision."

"Where?"

Soma jerked his thumb towards the back of the club where there were a number of private rooms set aside for such events. "Room one. Magatsu is holding the doors tonight."

Magatsu was one of several bouncers employed by the club. Holding the door meant that he would be in charge of the area, his job to make sure that the clients did not get out of hand.

"Ok…" Yukari agreed, although still a little unsure, his good mood slightly dampened by the prospect of the unpleasant task ahead. Spending his lunch hour with Jinhwan had been quite refreshing for him, a lucky chance to move out of the seedy world of the club and feel a little more normal for once; like a normal boy caught up in a normal romance with a normal would-be lover.

This, however, was his reality.

His steps dragged a little as he crossed the club's open dance floor – still empty at this early hour - and arrived at the indicated door. He took a deep breath in front of it. If it is Jiwon again… he considered …I'm sure he won't ask me to dance. Perhaps he'll only want to chat. Trying to keep his hopes down lest he be disappointed he pushed open the door and looked inside, Magatsu right behind him to check on the situation.

A single, familiar man looked up at him grimly. "Yukari" he greeted with cold eyes.

The air in the room was surprisingly tense and Yukari immediately felt a strange rush of misgiving. "Matsumo-sshi…" he replied from the doorway before stepping hesitantly inside.

Suddenly he felt foolish, dressed as he was, feathers tickling his back, thighs pressed together, hands suddenly clammy with sweat. He felt too exposed, too naive, too weak.

The marketing expert nodded to Magatsu as if in dismissal, and Magatsu backed respectfully out of the room. Yukari watched him leave from the corner of his eye. That's not right he realised. Magatsu should have stayed longer, at least until he's had the chance to gauge this man's mood.

His eyes flew back to Matsumo. "How…" he began, trying to keep his voice under control, "…how may I entertain you today Matsumo-sshi?"

Matsumo leaned back in his seat, draping a hand over the back of the sofa idly. "A little bird told me you went to the Jiwon offices today, Yukari."

Yukari made no response, though he guessed at once the connection between this and Matsumo's apparent irritation. Matsumo did not look pleased by his silence. He leaned suddenly forwards, his eyes dark. "I've lost a very valuable contract because of you, you meddling little whore."

Whore?

"I'm not…"

"Shut up" Matsumo rose from his seat angrily. Yukari's eyes flashed towards the door. Where's that damn Magatsu? Don't tell me this guy paid him off? "I expect compensation for this" Matsumo snarled.

The older man closed the distance between them in three quick, aggressive strides. Yukari did not back down, but stared straight back at him defiantly, jaw tense.

"Now strip" Matsumo hissed into his face, flecks of spittle bursting from his lips like shrapnel. When Yukari made no move he deftly reached forward to take a grab at his crotch but Yukari reflexively swatted the hand away, finally taking a defensive step backward in an effort to put more distance between them.

However Matsumo followed him closely, reaching out and gripping Yukari's chin instead, hard enough to make him wince. "Strip" he repeated, "or I'll smash your fucking nose in."

Yukari gritted his teeth at the threat and rolled his hands into fists.

What the hell am I doing?

=====

It wasn't the first time Jiwon had asked himself such a question as he walked along the quiet evening street. He'd only just seen Junhoe that morning, yet for some reason his feet had pointed him back in the direction of the Paradise Lost club as soon as office hours were finished. He knew he wanted to talk to the boy about a lot of things – what had happened to him in the time since they'd gone their separate ways, why he had ended up doing such a job, dancing at a club – but he couldn't understand quite why his curiosity would not let him simply wait until tomorrow.

He wanted to see him. He wanted to see him by all means. Even if it was just sitting in the crowd and watching a vision dance on the stage, he wanted to see him again.

He turned the final corner onto the street where the club was situated only to pull up short. A small crowd had gathered on the pavement outside the club, spilling out into the road, clustered around two vans – one an ambulance, and the other a police vehicle. Even as Jiwon watched, a figure in handcuffs was led out of the building, a long black coat draped over his shoulders, two policemen holding him firmly by the arms as they forced him into the back of the van.

Jiwon felt something like a rock settle in his stomach, and an unexpected anxiety gripped him, he broke into a run.  
He drew up beside the familiar figure of the bartender Soma, gasping for breath.

"What's going on?" he asked in concern.

Soma was looking too shocked for words. "Yukari…" he muttered, looking sideways at Jiwon before pointing one trembling hand to a figure who was hunched against the cold, holding a white cloth up to his face to try to stem the bleeding from his broken nose. Two officers were by his side, jotting down the information he was telling them.

Jiwon walked unsteadily over towards the group, each of his feet feeling as if they weighed a ton, until he came within earshot of the conversation.

"So he reached over when he thought I wasn't looking and tried to pull out my wallet. When I grabbed his arm to stop him he just… lashed out at me." The man dabbed at his nose gingerly.

A paramedic from the ambulance came over to join the small group. "Matsumo-sshi, we should head over to the hospital now. The officers may continue to ask you questions in the ambulance."

The man nodded his understanding and turned to see Jiwon standing a few paces away, listening in, dazed.

As the group walked past him, Matsumo managed to catch Jiwon's eye and spoke out, "That whore of yours… vicious little thing he is."

Jiwon had no retort to make and only stood stock still in confusion as he watched the ambulance depart. Then a strange calm seemed to waft over him faced with such an emergency situation. With brisk strides he returned to Soma's side.

"They arrested Yukari?" he demanded.

Soma nodded mutely, apparently still in shock.

"Do you know where they will take him?"

"They said the Metropolitan Police Station…"

Jiwon nodded in understanding and pulled his phone out of his suit pocket. With a few taps he brought up the familiar number of his secretary.

"Yuri" he said, his voice sounding strangely hollow "Call my lawyer and get him over to the Metropolitan immediately to represent Koo Junhoe."

At the sound of her agreement he clicked the phone closed again and looked down at the floor, breathing heavily.

He saw a trail of broken white feathers lay trampled around his feet.

"Shit" he said.


	7. Peeping Tom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: miniscule mention of Rape in this chapter. Beware.
> 
>  
> 
> Better late than never. Right? Right.
> 
>  
> 
> Enjoy. Tell me what you think about Jiwon after reading this chapter okay?

.  
.  
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"Wow. You look like shit."

Junhoe lifted his eyes to see the familiar face of Jinhwan waiting for him at the front of the police station, full of unsightly morning chirpiness and dressed immaculately in the latest style. His hair was pulled back and his eyes were brimming with suppressed amusement.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Junhoe glared at him irritably as the policeman finally unhanded him and told him he was free to go.

"Ah – you're not a morning person I see" Jinhwan grinned, falling into step beside him. "Nice hot pants by the way."

"Shut up."

Jinhwan laughed loudly as Junhoe walked tersely beside him, pulling his coat a little tighter around him. "The boss told me to bring you to the office, but I guess I should take you home for a change of clothes first huh?"

Junhoe paused mid-stride. "Is he the one who bailed me out?"

Jinhwan raised an eyebrow. "Of course he is."

Junhoe bit his lip as they stepped out into the road crossing, completely ignoring a catcall from one of the cars stopped at the lights. "He didn't need to…" he grumbled unhappily, but Jinhwan only laughed more.

"Of course he didn't, but even straight boy can have his moments you know. Now stop looking so glum" he caught Junhoe's arm, looping it with his own. "You broke Matsumo's nose! Do you know what that makes you?"

"Charged with assault?" Junhoe muttered darkly.

"My personal hero! That asshole had it coming for so long, you have no idea."

A sigh was Junhoe's only response to that.

"What happened anyway?" Jinhwan pressed with continued cheerfulness. "I want to know all the good gossip."

"He…" Junhoe hesitated. He'd already given his account to the lawyer and then to the police who had done little more than laugh in his face. All he really wanted right now was someone to be on his side, someone to believe him, but he wasn't sure he could cope with any more shoot downs. It cost him so much of his pride to speak it out loud, perhaps it was better to just stay silent and forget about it. It wasn't like it would make a difference anyway.

"Yukari?"

He looked over into Jinhwan's concerned eyes and at the last moment decided to chance it.

"He was going to rape me."

Jinhwan froze mid-stride as if he'd just been struck, bringing their walk to a halt in the middle of the pavement. "Are you serious?" he asked with wide eyes.

"Of course I am" Junhoe replied, maintaining his couldn't-care-less persona as best he could, forcing Jinhwan to walk again by tugging on his arm.

"But… did you tell the police?" Jinhwan muttered with wide eyes as Junhoe dragged him along.

"They didn't believe me."

"Those fucking assholes."

Junhoe looked over at him, strengthening the wavering core of himself. "I'm okay" he said.

"But it's bullshit. He should be the one spending the night in a cell, not you."

"I'm okay."

 

OoOoOoOoOoO

 

"The situation is still the same as yesterday" the lawyer's voice drifted through the speakerphone as Jiwon sat at his desk staring out the window blankly, paperwork entirely forgotten. "No witnesses, no clear motives. It's just one word against the other."

"Do you believe Junhoe's account?" Jiwon asked abruptly.

The lawyer was silent for a moment.

"That is immaterial" he said finally. "The crux of this is that Matsumo is injured and Junhoe is not. I don't think there's a jury in the country who would find in our favour. No one is going to take the word of a pole dancer over that of a well respected CEO."

"So what are the options?"

"First time offence so he's unlikely to get anything heavier than a fine. A short prison term would be highly unlikely, although there are judges in this district who had been known to come down quite hard on homosexuals."

Jiwon rubbed his hands over his face in agitation. "I can't allow him to get a criminal record on my account."

"Realistically the only way to avoid that would be to persuade Matsumo to drop the charges."

Jiwon sucked in his breath with a hiss. "I presume you have approached him already?"

"I have. His demand is ten million won."

Jiwon was silent for a long time.

"That's a lot of money" he said finally.

"It is" the lawyer agreed.

"Greedy asshole. Offer him three. Go as high as six. Call me back."

"You know the company won't cover this kind of outlay? If you wish to pay him off it will have to be at your personal expense."

"Yes, I know" Jiwon drummed his fingers on the table. "Please proceed as I said."

"As you wish."

The call disconnected and Jiwon turned his eyes from the window to the new picture on his office wall. He stared at it intensely as if trying to memorise every inch of skin, every fold of fabric, and every refraction of light on it.

Junhoe.

'What the hell am I doing?'

He was just staring himself into a trance when the phone on the desk rang again and startled him. He retrieved it from its cradle and snapped a slightly irate "what?" at Yuri on the other end.

"The model you asked to see is here."

He blinked. "Please allow him in." His voice was surprisingly even, and he replaced the handset, smoothing out his suit absent-mindedly.

Last night he hadn't gone to Junhoe's side, guessing that he would cause more harm than good to the boy's self-esteem by being there in the midst of his crisis. He had no idea how Junhoe would react to such a humiliation and had no wish to make it worse on him. For the same reason he had sent Jinhwan this morning rather than going personally to pick him up which, if he was honest with himself, he'd badly wanted to. But now at least he'd finally get his chance to see him.

Junhoe slipped into his office quietly and Jiwon looked up from the papers of his desk with a smile. The boy was wearing a fashionable designer shirt over silken slacks that hung slightly too large from his waist.

"They're Jinhwan's" Junhoe explained in response to Jiwon's puzzled look, tugging at the expensive fabric self-consciously.

"You went to Jinhwan's place?" Jiwon queried in surprise. "You didn't go back to the club?"

"Not yet. I will go later."

Jiwon tipped his head to the side. "Will there be a problem with your job?" he asked.

"I'll be okay."

It wasn't an answer to the question, but Jiwon bit back his curiosity. He was familiar enough with Junhoe's personality to know better than to make it look like he was meddling. He knew the boy would not accept his assistance as a matter of pride.

"Listen" he said seriously, rising from his seat, "I need to apologise to you for this situation with Matsumo."

"Why?" Junhoe looked up at him, genuinely confused.

"I've already heard a basic account of the situation from the lawyer" Jiwon explained, seeing Junhoe's eyes widen and knowing he'd just stuck a blow but ploughing on regardless. "I should have handled Matsumo's account better. It's inexcusable that I let an employee get caught up in corporate crossfire."

"…employee?" Junhoe echoed blankly.

Jiwon nodded. "As long as you work for me I have a responsibility towards you and your wellbeing."

"But I…"

Jiwon held up a hand. "It is in the interests of the company's reputation that this is settled in the best possible manner so I must ask you to allow my lawyer to handle the situation on your behalf."

"But… isn't it expensive?"

Jiwon didn't have to think twice, the lie fell from his lips effortlessly; "Since it will be at the company's expense, cost is not an issue."

"Oh, I see."

A tense silence fell upon the both of them. Junhoe fidgeted silently with Jinhwan's clothes and Jiwon had the opportunity to compare his current awkward expression with the laid-back one on the poster right behind him and felt the discrepancy like a kick in the gut.

The phone on the desk rang again and Jiwon picked it up gratefully.

"Yuri?"

"Sir… Jinhwan is…"

She didn't get the chance to finish before the door opened and Jinhwan bounced into the office. "Yukari!" he went directly over to Junhoe and caught his hand, ignoring Jiwon entirely. "I'm done setting up the studio so let's get to work!"

Jiwon suppressed a groan at Jinhwan's appearance and gave an irate cough instead, drawing the man's attention. "Do you have no respect for other people's conversations Jinhwan?"

"Conversation?" Jinhwan spared him a glance and snorted. "It feels like someone's just died in here. Besides – my muses will not wait! I am on fire!"

Jiwon rolled his eyes at first, but then felt a sudden chill when he noticed the tug of a smile at the corner of Junhoe's lips. He stared in astonishment.

'He has never smiled for me.'

Not once.

His eyes flickered reflexively up to the poster again.

'Just as he only makes those faces for Jinhwan and not for me…why?'

Jinhwan's sharp eyes followed Jiwon's gaze and also alighted on the poster right behind him. "Waaaah!" he exclaimed in surprise upon seeing it. "When did you get that done, you devious fox? Why don't I have one too?"

Junhoe also turned in curiosity to come eye to eye with the image of himself staring lustfully out of the glass, lifting his shirt teasingly. His back stiffened but he made no comment.

Jiwon sighed and picked up a pen to return to his paperwork. "Don't you two have a catalogue to complete?" he brushed Jinhwan's question aside calmly but Jinhwan was not finished teasing him.

"And all this time pretending you were straight as a ruler" he laughed, completely oblivious to Junhoe's discomfort, "that picture is practically porn."

"It's my favourite shirt in the collection" Jiwon replied stiffly, not looking up from his writing.

"Oh, get over yourself" Jinhwan retorted, dragging Junhoe to the door. "He's fucking gorgeous. When are you gonna admit it?"

Jiwon looked up just as the door slammed shut.

 

OoOoOoOoOoO

 

Five hours and they weren't back. Lunchtime had come and gone and he'd spent it alone in his office, eating what Yuri had brought in for him as he worked on the computer trying to keep his mind off whatever might be going on in the studio six floors beneath his feet.

Eventually, his patience exhausted, he stood up and decided that there was no need to be held hostage in his own office. Sure, he had been thrown out of the studio last time, but it only made him more curious as to what exactly had gone on to produce those miraculous shots and besides and most importantly, he didn't trust Jinhwan.

Besides, he was the boss. There was nothing wrong with checking that his employees were doing what he was paying them to do and not just… well… screwing around.

He told Yuri that he would be back within the half hour and headed directly for the lift, hitting the button for the eighth floor and wondering why his hands suddenly felt weirdly clammy.

The sound that greeted his ears as he stepped out into the corridor made his skin prickle. Laughter. Jinhwa 's voice, of course, but it was not the scathing mockery of his usual laugh but a sound of genuine happiness. Jiwon waited a few minutes just listening to the noise and feeling weirdly empty, as if he were some dry old husk. He never felt such a feeling of exclusion before.

He walked towards the studio door, unconsciously lifting and placing his feet with the utmost quietness, drawing closer and closer until a waft of conversation reached him.

"What about Oceania? I used to go there all the time" Jinhwan's voice was more friendly and conversational than Jiwon had ever heard before.

"It closed down six months ago" Junhoe's reply was as soft as usual but it sounded from its unfamiliar lift as if he were smiling as he spoke.

"Shit" Jinhwan was laughing again, "That tells you how long it's been since I went clubbing."

Jiwon padded even closer until he was leaning against the wall right outside the door, not caring that he was eavesdropping, totally engrossed in the sounds of another world, another life, that he was overhearing.

"Then… how do you pick up guys?" Junhoe's query rolled naturally off his tongue though it surprised Jiwon. Junhoe had never seemed to him like the kind to take casual lovers, although, Jiwon mused, he was a man after all. No doubt he had the same sex drive as any other man. With his good looks and delectable body it shouldn't be surprising if he had a whole string of past lovers. Again Jiwon was struck with the sense of being utterly excluded from so much. How precious little he really knew about Junhoe now.

"Eh – they just seem to find me somehow" Jinhwan replied smoothly, and Jiwon could just imagine him saying it with a wink, "I think I'm in the Yellow Pages under Hot-and-Available."

Jiwon automatically cringed at the nasty line, but forgot his distaste as a strange and pleasant sound bubbled from the room. It took him to realise that it was the sound of Junhoe's laughter.

He didn't have time to digest his shock because at that moment a whirl and a bright flash from inside the room caused Jiwon to jump slightly in surprise, but it was just the camera taking a picture.

"I missed it!" Jinhwan cried in mock distress. "Laugh again!"

There was a soft thud and Jinhwan's light-hearted "ouch!" as an unidentified projectile hit him and fell to the floor.  
Another camera flash and a lull fell over the conversation inside the room. Jiwon decided to finally make his presence known and took half a step towards the door before a quiet question made him pause.

"Hey Yukari… what's your real name?"

Jiwon froze in place.

'He won't tell him. He wants to keep himself hidden. Secret.'

"What makes you think Yukari isn't my real name?" Junhoe replied evasively, the barest hint of a smile in his voice turning the words into something almost flirtatious.

"Because straight boy keeps accidentally calling you something else."

"Is it important?"

"Maybe I don't like that he knows something about you that I don't."

"Jealous?"

"Hugely."

There was a long silence.

"Junhoe" he said. "My name is Junhoe."

Jiwon stood stock still in unpleasant surprise. He hadn't expected Junhoe to reveal himself so readily.

"Junhoe" Jinhwan said as if tasting the name, rolling it around his mouth and off his tongue possessively. "I like it."

There was a clunk as something was put down, the creak of a metal structure and the sound of slow footsteps. The silence was no longer a gentle lull but a tension that could have been cut with a knife. Heart in his mouth Jiwon listened harder than he'd ever listened before.

It was Jinhwan's voice that finally reached him, low and heavy and earnest. "If I kiss you," he asked, "will you break my nose?"

There was a snort of quiet laughter and all at once Jiwon knew that they must be nose to nose just around the corner from where he was standing, trembling with emotions he didn't understand.

"Am I worth the risk?" Junhoe whispered back.

The pause was unbearable. Jiwon closed his eyes.

"Absolutely."

There was a brief rustle of clothes and a short gasp quickly silenced.

Jiwon's entire body responded to the tiny noises; the shifts of fabric and gentle appreciative hums and hisses and gasps and sighs, just imagining what they might be doing tore its way into his mind. He felt blood rush up to his head and then almost immediately drain from it, leaving him light-headed, tingling and confused.

Confused and hopelessly… curious.

Two men. Two men together. What did that look like? Why did he want to know so badly?

He tried his best to ignore his impulse to look but soon found he couldn't keep it at bay. There was a fierce weight settling in his stomach, a burst of violent butterflies, his breaths shorter and shorter, his heartbeat faster and faster. His whole world was concentrated into those tiny and insignificant sounds that flooded his imagination with any number of visions.

He didn't know what he was feeling nor why he was feeling it but he could no more ignore the knowledge of what was going on feet away from him than he could ignore his own traitorous body's reaction to it. Without a single thought as to what he was doing his eyes flew open and he stepped determinedly out from his hiding place into the centre of the doorframe.

The scene was laid out before him like a moving, moaning painting.

Junhoe lay back on the floor against white matting, all the lights pointing down towards him from their elevated scaffolding – obviously Jinhwan had been taking photos from directly above. His eyes were closed, his back arched, his hands fisted in Junhwan's hair as their tongues twisted together competitively.

Jiwon sucked in his breath and held it, unable to move, unable to utter a single word as he drank in the scene in astonishment.

After what seemed like an age the two men came to a conclusion to their wrestling and broke apart, flushed and gasping. They had no eyes for anything except each other.

"God you're good at that" Jinhwan managed to mutter distractedly.

Knowing that they would at any moment turn to see him, but still unable to speak, Jiwon simply thumped his fist against the doorframe and they immediately startled apart.

"Ah" Jinhwan said with wide eyes, seeing him in the doorway. "Ooops."

Junhoe sat bolt upright, his face immediately flushing with embarrassment as he stared at Jiwon, lifting the back of his hand to his lips as if to hide them, all of his former ease disappearing instantaneously.

"If you're quite finished" Jiwon managed to mutter with a low quiet waver quite unlike his usual voice, "I suggest you bring the proofs upstairs."

Jinhwan searched Jiwon's expression uncertainly, obviously having expected nothing short of fury at being caught kissing the boss's favourite. "Sure, boss. Sorry."

Jiwon did not look at Junhoe. He simply turned on his heel and left, heart still thumping angrily against his ribcage.

'What the hell am I doing?'

 

OoOoOoOoOoO

 

The door to Jiwon's office slammed loudly causing Yuri and the rest of the administrative staff to jump in their seats. The lock spun angrily in its socket and they all stared in some surprise at the door. It was rare to see their usually easy-going boss so worked up over something.

Jiwon dropped into his seat, gripping the arm rests tightly, staring at his desk but not seeing it.

The room felt hot. So hot it was ridiculous. His eyes wandered over to the computer screen and knew he had to do something about this diabolical situation.

It had been so long since he'd ever done anything like this at work. With trembling hands he brought up the web browser and typed in the name of his usual website. Images of girls immediately filled the screen and he felt the familiar rise of desire in his gut as he browsed through the newest editions, deftly unzipping his fly with his left hand as he did searched, relieving a little of the pressure on his heat.

Finding a collection of pictures that stirred him he began to move his hand, teasing himself at first but moving rapidly onto long and merciless pumps as his eyes took in the parade of luscious curves and lips and breasts and enveloped wetness that was presented to him. It felt familiar and pleasant to imagine their softness, their hands instead of his own, their voluptuous lips parting over him, swallowing him. He groaned softly in the silence of his office, the creak of the chair and the click of the mouse his only orchestral accompaniment.

Feeling the pleasure rapidly concentrating in his hand he reached to snatch a tissue from the box on the desk only to glance up into the eyes that watched him appreciatively from the wall. His hand froze mid-thrust in denial, but the pleasure did not abate. His mutinous mind caused Junhoe's hot tongue to wind itself around his already straining organ, and with a panicked gasp he clamped the tissue down over himself and climaxed forcefully, the name hanging like aphrodisiac on his lips.

Then feeling embarrassed and guilty, he slumped in his seat, his heart hammering.


	8. Drunk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: mention of drugs, rape and murder.
> 
>  
> 
> I do hope you'll enjoy this chapter. This is hard. Tell me what you think after reading this okay?

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.  
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The file flopped limply onto the desk.

"Where is he?" Jiwon asked without looking up.

Jinhwan shifted his weight. "He said he needed to go back to the club."

Jiwon didn't reply but lifted his eyes from the papers and flipped the file open with one finger. Photos of Junhoe looked back up at him, each one as sensual and seductive as the next. Each one was a masterpiece but for once Jinhwan was not grinning.

"Is something the matter?" Jiwon queried as he reached the final pages, looking up at Jinhwan in concern, "You don't seem to be your normal self. Are you unhappy with the photos? I think they look great."

"I think… I think you might have the wrong idea."

Jiwon leaned back in his seat and sucked in his cheeks thoughtfully. "Are you referring to what happened earlier?"

"Look," Jinhwan leaned forward seriously, "me and Yukari, it's just screwing around, you know? It doesn't mean anything."

Jiwon's smile was faultlessly easy, "You know I don't have an issue with relationships between colleagues, I only ask that you refrain from doing it too often on company time."

Jinhwan looked blank. "Oh." He straightened again, his eyebrows furrowed. "But I… actually I… kinda thought you liked him."

Jiwon raised an eyebrow. "Of course I like him; he's a very old friend."

"You know what I mean."

"Romantically?" Jiwon's laugh was entirely genuine. "Come on dude, you know I don't swing that way."

Jinhwan looked dumbfounded. "But he's…"

"Fucking gorgeous?" Jiwon echoed tge other man's words from earlier in the morning with a grin. "I know how good he looks, but that doesn't mean I want to jump into bed with him."

"Oh" Jinhwan still looked confused, as if all his senses had been lying to him. "Well – the photos are done anyway."

"Do you need him to come in again?"

"No I… I guess not."

Jiwon nodded in understanding and closed the file with a snap. "Then I'll get these sent down to marketing today. This will be our most successful campaign yet, I'm sure."

Jinhwan looked awkward for a few moments before suddenly blurting out: "Have you given any thought to hiring him permanently?"

Jiwo paused, and then looked up at him seriously. "Why should I want to do that? Our models have always worked on temporary hourly contracts before."

Jinhwan pouted in the face of Jiwon's indifference. "Because he's your…" he hesitated over his words, seeming to realise that appealing to anything except Jiwon's business logic was going to fall on an impenetrable wall of denial. "What I mean is… if this campaign is as successful as we expect, wouldn't we want to keep him in-house? There may be press-related events, and we may wish to involve him when we go to Milan next season. It will be unprecedented trouble if we can't contact him easily later."

"Hmmm" Jiwon gave this pretext more thought than Jinhwan considered necessary. "I suppose it might be beneficial if he would agree to it."

Jinhwan had to refrain from rolling his eyes; 'I know you've just been looking for an excuse to do it.'

"I'll speak to him about it" Jiwon agreed.

 

======

 

There was a police van parked outside the club for the second time in as many days. A smartly-dressed policeman was standing a little way away in discussion with one of the club's bosses. Yukari paused at the sight, wondering whether this was related to yesterday's incident and concerned he might be walking into another heap of trouble for himself. His concerns only increased when the boss caught sight of him approaching and gestured him over. The policeman also turned to see him, taking in his somewhat odd appearance still in Jinhwan's expensive and tight clothes appraisingly.

Yukari came up to them as confidently as he could mange and heard the boss explain "this boy was his roommate."  
Yukari immediately leaned forward in concern. "Is this about my roommate? What's happened? Did you find him?"

The policeman adjusted his uniform. "The body washed up at the side of the canal this morning."

"What?" Yukari's eyes widened in shock, but the policeman continued over him.

"We are launching a murder enquiry and we will need to ask you some questions."

Yukari stared blankly for a moment before nodding numbly. The policeman gestured to the door, "My colleagues are inside."

Gathering his thoughts, Yukari slowly followed him into the bar.

 

======

 

It wasn't until much later that evening that Jiwon finally pushed his chair away from his desk with a sigh. A cheque for three million dillars made out to Matsumo lay before him on the polished surface, the ink still drying.

It had given him quite some headache to free up that much cash at such short notice, but to his continued credit, not doing so hadn't even occurred to him. Just as telling Junhoe what he was doing on his behalf had not occurred to him. He shouldered the responsibility for the situation as if it truly had been entirely his own fault, even while knowing that Junhoe probably would not be the only one to protest that it wasn't.

Still, as he walked out of the office building into the cool night air, he turned his feet towards Paradise Lost on instinct rather than logic. He intended, of course, to talk to Junhoe about a permanent position at the company as Jinhwan had suggested, but it didn't make sense to go at night when he knew Junhoe would probably be working the stage. Still, not daring to question himself about it, he continued on his way, wondering whether seeing Yukari dance would help alleviate some of new-found financial concerns from his busy mind.

He was surprised then to see as he approached that the neon lights over the entrance to the bar were unlit. No patrons were entering or exiting, and the main door was closed and barred on this, a Friday night, what should have been a busy day for the club. The pavement out the front was empty apart from two men pensive and other worldly under the flickering street lights. The first was leaning idly against the brickwork, cigarette in hand, looking up into the sky. The other was balled into an unhappy crouch at the edge of the kerb, arms around his knees, feet in the gutter, staring straight ahead at nothing. A white plastic bag bearing the name of the local convenience store and containing a large quantity of beer and liquor lay neglected at his side, three already empty beer bottles knocked over beside his feet.

Two idle dancers with no audience to dance for.

The standing boy took a long and wistful drag on his cigarette as Jiwon approached.

"Hello handsome, the club's closed for a few days…" he looked Jiwon up and down appreciatively, "better come back next weekend."

The second boy meanwhile, presumably in some kind of alcoholic stupor, made no move.

Jiwon took in the first dancer's appearance thoughtfully. He wore a vest with a low-dipping V-neck revealed inch after inch of firm, smooth chest coupled with a short, thin rain jacket and a pair of worn jeans slashed at the knees. He wore his hair in quite a masculine style, almost army-like, short at the sides and longer at the top.

Jiwon considered the slim elegance of his frame, the evenness of his attractive features and the confident allure of his voice. He felt nothing. He even tried to imagine this unknown man kissing Jinhwan. It didn't arouse him in the slightest.

'I'm not gay. I just don't like men. That hasn't changed.'

He swung his eyes down to the figure of Yukari who was still sitting at the kerbside blankly.

'So why is it different with him?'

"Did something happen to the club?" he turned his eyes back to the first boy in curiosity. Yukari lifted his head at the sound of his familiar voice but made no other motion.

"Police investigation" the dancer replied in a dramatic hush as if revealing a piece of juicy gossip. "One of our boys was murdered."

"Shut up Ken." Yukari finally spoke, snapping at his companion.

"Hmmm" Ken turned his nose up and folded his arms. "No need to be so tight-assed about it. It'll be in the news tomorrow anyway."

"Murdered?" Jiwon looked suitably shocked.

Sighing with irritation Yukari got unsteadily to his feet, a fourth beer bottle in his hand.

"I suppose you expect me to invite you in" he accused, ignoring Ken's presence and looking in Jiwon's direction with slightly unfocused eyes. He tsk-ed as if everything were an unbelievable pain in the neck and didn't wait for a response before picking his bag up from the ground and turning towards the alleyway beside the club where the side entrance was located. He meandered towards it unsteadily, only stopping to look back when Jiwon didn't immediately follow. "Well?" he demanded.

"Oh, don't bother going with him" the man named Ken advised Jiwon knowingly. "Yukari's been drinking all day. Stay and chat to me instead."

Yukari waved a hand dismissively and resumed walking. After a second, Jiwon gave Ken an apologetic smile and followed him.

The room looked much the same as it had the last time he had been here alone after convincing Soma to let him in. The sense of theatre really astounded him. It didn't feel like Junhoe at all. All those homages to physical beauty; wigs and make up and glitter and costume. If it hadn't been for the picture of the team he played basketball with before he wouldn't have ever believed that this could be Junhoe's home.

There weren't any chairs so Yukari sat himself on the empty bed, leaving his own for Jiwon to sit on.

"So…" Jiwon asked in concern, "…what happened with this boy?"

Yukari took in his appearance thoughtfully. He looked odd sitting in this messy dressing room dressed in his usual suit, augmented with his so-familiar handsome face and deep brown eyes. The man was sitting in the wrong world.

"My roommate" Yukari mumbled in response.

A memory stirred in Jiwon's mind. "The one who went missing? You went to look for him the other night, right?"

"Yeah" Yukari sighed and drained the remaining beer from his current bottle. "He was… a really good guy."

"What happened to him?"

Yukari rubbed his eyes as if trying to keep himself awake, shrugged slightly and let out an open-mouthed sigh. "He used to run drugs for the boss. Bit of extra cash for him. They called him the delivery boy – ha!" He let out a bitter bark of drunken laughter. "But some shitty small-time thugs mugged him." Jiwon noticed the way Yukari's slim arms went up and around himself protectively. "Police said even though there were stab wounds on his body, the cause of death was drowning." Yukari shuddered visibly, eyes unfocused, pointed to the floor. "They found six different types of semen on him. Those bastards raped him and then threw him into the canal still alive."

Jiwon had no idea what to say, he could only stare at the boy before him who had so desperately sought his solace in alcohol, his heart breaking.

An awful fragmented smile snaked bitterly across Yukari's face. "Why do that to a person for only two lousy kilograms of powder?" He shook his head, "Are our lives really worth so little?"

"I can't bear the thought of you working here" Jiwon suddenly spoke, leaning forwards in earnest. "First Matsumo, now this, it's just not safe. Junhoe, please come and work for me instead." It was a genuine plea born of real concern. The thought of Junhoe becoming a victim like the unfortunate man made him feel physically sick.

Yukari looked up and met his intense gaze for a moment before breaking the eye contact and falling backwards onto the bed with a flop.

"You're too naïve" he said finally.

Jiwon was surprised. "What?"

"Do you really think your world is safer?"

"What do you mean?"

"Jiwon" Yukari sighed, still staring up at the ceiling "I'm gay. Do you know what that means?"

Jiwon's eyebrows furrowed in puzzlement. "It means you… like men."

"Like men?" Yukari let out a cold, humourless laugh. "Don't put so much sugar on it. I don't like men Jiwon, I fuck men. I fuck them and I let them fuck me. I suck cock and I drink cum. And maybe you're okay with that, but to most people I am something foul. Something unnatural and freakish." He trailed off and fell into a tired silence.

Jiwon stared at his horizontal form in surprise. It was unusual, of course, to hear such expletives fall from Junhoe's lips, although he presumed it was the alcohol speaking. But moreover he'd never really considered such a position before. What did it mean to be a gay man in this modern world – still struggling against prejudice and discrimination? How did it feel to live while having to hide your desires, unable to act freely on them? What did it mean to walk past heterosexual couples in the street, cuddling and kissing and holding hands, while knowing that you cannot do the same without fear of some retribution?  
In this country that still tolerated biased judges, biased police, what did it mean to be gay?

"I don't want to be like Jinhwan" Yukari whispered softly. "I don't want to compromise myself to other people's expectations. And maybe it is dangerous but at least here…" he sighed quietly. "…at least here I can be what I am."

Jiwon closed his eyes for a moment, digesting this thoughtfully. By the time he opened them again, he thought he understood Junhoe, understood Yukari, a little better.

"You gonna share some of that beer?" he asked.

Yukari heaved himself back up into a sitting position and handed him a bottle with a smile. The very first one.

 

======

 

"What's it like, kissing a man?" Jiwon asked, draining the last of his beer and feeling the bed tilt slightly, his mind fixed on the memory of Junhoe and Jinhwan's shared kiss. "Is it the same as kissing a woman?"

"How the fuck should I know?"

Jiwon's eyes moved blurredly down to where Yukari was slumped on the floor where he'd slid off the other bed earlier. "You've never kissed a woman before?" he demanded, incredulous.

At Yukari's reprimanding stare he burst into laughter. "Then how do you know you're really gay?"

"Idiot. You've never kissed a man, how do you know you're really straight?"

Jiwon hiccoughed (A/N is that even a word??) and couldn't hold back his fit of intoxicated giggles. "I don't!" he declared loudly, laughing hopelessly, "I don't have a fucking clue what I am." He tipped drunkenly onto his side, looking at the room rotated ninety degrees. When Yukari didn't reply he decided to continue talking. "When I saw you and Jinhwan together I thought it looked kind of hot." Still no reply, only the creak of springs as Yukari pulled himself unsteadily back onto the bed. "I think you're really hot too" Jiwon explained, and then groaned as the world spun. He tried to piece together what he was drunkenly rambling into some semblance of sense but couldn't. "Does that mean I'm gay?"

"No, it just means you're drunk."

"You're drunk too" Jiwon pointed out and laughed again. He couldn't understand why he felt so content just being in this odd messy dressing room with Junhoe like this. It felt easy. It felt like happiness.

"If I kiss a man, will you kiss a woman?"

"Idiot. Don't make up stupid things. If you want to kiss me, do it."

"But…" Jiwon fell into an odd silence. "What if I like it?"

"Then do it again."

"I don't mean that."

Yukari tutted impatiently and said nothing. The silence that fell between them was suddenly awkward and unhappy. Jiwon shifted about, unable to find a comfortable position to lie on the bed, each angle seeming to give rise to another awkwardness.

Finally he got up and moved to sit on the other bed, next to Yukari, twisting his hands in nervousness.

"Will you hate me?" he asked.

There was no reply so Jiwon sighed and reached out experimentally. He took Yukari's face between his palms, framing it with his hands, feeling the dusting of his silk fringe on his fingertips. He couldn't make much sense of what he was doing, never mind what he was feeling, but still he knew when he did this it didn't feel as if he was touching another man. It didn't feel like he was touching a woman either for that matter. It was as if Junhoe were of a completely separate gender all together.

There was no reprimand so he moved his face a little closer. He could see more clearly his features; the tiny pores of his skin, the slight discolouration under his eyes following the excessive alcohol consumption. His eyes traced the curl of his lips, the gentle cupid's bow lifting above the serious line of his mouth. Not smiling any more. He noticed the length of his lashes black and gothic against his pale skin. He saw his eyelids flutter uncertainly before closing in enticement. He mourned the loss of those eyes, but he revelled in the temptation of the invitation.

He moved a little closer. He smelt of alcohol. Smoke and alcohol, surprisingly masculine, surprisingly sweet. Like a lilt and curl of old breath, something comforting, something familiar.

Closer still and he was warm, the flush of sorrow and drink, the rising ardour of living breathing heartbeats and pulses. A body that was physical, too physical, too real to be trusted. It betrayed its master. An intricate story of skin and mesh and fibers and protein formed to enclose that blinding soul. To hide it. To kill it. Formed to dance with wildness while Jiwon's own aching self looked and longed. Whether he were placing a ball into a basket, or whether he was arching his back from a pole, didn't make a difference.

The cage of him was glorious. Always. But the self of him, ah.

For that what number of worlds would Kim Jiwon have parted with? For just one glimpse of his searing sea-sky spirit.

Like this, could he touch it? Like this?

Not knowing, not a single one of his past encounters having prepared him for something this intense, he came closer and closer still. 'Here? Like this? Is it just a lie, a wish? Will I ever really know who you are?'

Wrapped in his own liquid illusions he pressed his mouth against Yukari's liquor-sweet lips.

He tasted like he looked, like the wilderness untamed. Like nothing would pin him down. Nothing could ever catch him nor master him nor claim him as their own.

It was lips and breath fogging on heated cheeks and tongues pricking on teeth.

It was wretched and honest and straightforward. There was no art. No tricks and skills and intricacies. No motives or subversivities. There was only heat and promise and the fulfilling of that promise. No more and no less than everything a kiss ought to have been. Nothing special yet greater than anything he'd ever experienced before.

So he held him tighter.

Wetter now, somehow. Yukari's tongue was as flexible as the rest of him, really, it wound and tensed and stroked and gave to him in endless liberating waves. Feeling Yukari's hands in his hair, lifting the strands and making his scalp light with the weightlessness, making him dizzy with flight. It was flight. Air mastering earth-bound limbless flight. It was delicate and perfect. But although Jiwon tried to give back in his own whiskey breaths but couldn't help feeling like he was falling, like he was losing air, like he was ending.

It wasn't enough. His soul roared in him like the wild overthrow of the animal age. Things suddenly welled up more unwelcome and desperate. He felt like a barbarian as he pushed him down against the bed. He felt brutish and uncultured as he sought so desperately to posses him, plundering from him roughly without regard for his pricelessness. But he could no more retract that instinct than he could deny how powerful he felt when he heard Junhoe moan.

In triumph he broke away, lips wet, eyes fire.

Cool eyes stared up at him in bright challenge.

"Again?" Yukari asked breathlessly.

"Again."

This time he fought back. No longer the patient and elegant gymnast, Yukari became the thick tramp of workman's boots, contesting control from Jiwon's mouth. Yukari twisted him into inelegance and pushed him from his throne of dominance effortlessly, like a skilled warrior who had only been humouring the fledgling play of a child, proving that submission was only one of many games for them to play. Jiwon was forced back into timidity reeling.

No woman had ever done this to him. He felt bested. He felt… intensely. Fiercely. He felt like every kiss that had occurred before this one were nothing than a junior attempt. Not real. Not true. Like he had been playing against amateurs when there was a trial by fire right here against Yukari's lips.

At first he disliked it. At first control seemed to be victory, and this was not control, not victory, and he wanted to fight and claim it back but couldn't rise again.  
But then victory came in other ways. It came in Yukari's shuddering body, in the intense and pin-point stab of heat in his stomach like a knife of arousal. In came in knowing just how badly Yukari wanted him.

Wanting it, wanting more of it, Jiwon took his slim hips in fierce fists, pulling him tight to him as if demanding to know how much, 'how much do you desire me?'

The pleasure, finally, not of possession, but of his own allure.

This, too, was victory.

Had Jiwon still the semblance about him to remember the purpose of his experimentation he would have realised now that no, this wasn't the same as kissing a woman. But he didn't remember. He didn't realise any of that. He only realised how much more aroused he could feel when he surrendered some of his control.

He only knew what it felt like when Yukari gave to him, what it felt like when Yukari demanded from him.

How grateful he was to be kissing a person who took and gave in equal measures.

 

======

 

The following morning Jiwon awoke with a headache. Something like a split horizontally around his entire skull. He groaned painfully and opened his eyes to an unfamiliar ceiling. In head-throbbing curiosity he turned to the side and was met with the sight of Yukari's sleeping face beside him on the pillow.

He leapt out of the bed like a cat exploding from a cardboard box.

He clutched frantically at himself as if he were having a heart attack before realising that he was fully clothed. He tried to relax but the momentarily rush of adrenaline refused him.

What had happened? Why in god's name had he drunk so much? He tried to think back but it was unbelievably hazy.  
He remembered having some kind of insight into Junhoe's character; yes that was a definite recollection. To his despair he seemed to remember ending up kissing him - he winced in mental pain at the thought - but as for the details, nothing was catching up with him. This definitely wasn't a good start. What if Junhoe's recollections were different from his own?

As if on cue, Yukari stirred sleepily, reaching out with a gentle hand to clutch at warmth that was no longer there. With a crease of eyebrows and a soft groan he opened his eyes in confusion.

He looked adorable.

Jiwon watched him in amused silence as Yukari went through almost the exact same routine Jiwon had recently performed. Panic set in as he came to focus on Jiwon's face, a crushing set of suggestive memories fell on him and the bed sheets were thrown back in horror only to reveal his fully clothed self. He fell back onto the pillow in relief.

A grin split Jiwon's face.

"Good morning" he greeted.

"Shut up" came the reply, along with a hand to the forehead indicating that Jiwon was not alone in the state of his hangover.

Jiwon sat back down onto the bed beside him and Yukari rolled grumpily onto his side to face the other way.

"It's Saturday today, I don't have to work" Jiwon commented with a smile.

"I'm going back to sleep" Yukari replied testily.

"Why don't we do something together today?"

"Go away."

Jiwon lay back on the bed, wiggling his way closer to the warm body beside him, throwing a casual arm around him in a familiar embrace. Yukari tensed up perceptibly under his touch.

"Let's sleep some more then" Jiwon replied with a secretive smirk. "It's comfortable like this."

The next moment Yukari was out of bed glowering unhappily and clutching his head.

"You're sadistic, you know?"

Jiwon grinned up at him from where he lay. "Let's go get some coffee" he suggested, "and then I want to take you somewhere. How about going to Han River together? It's beautiful at this time of year."

"I can't…" Yukari wandered over to the broken mirror to examine the night's drinking damage to his complexion, "…I have something to do today."

"Oh" Jiwon's face fell slightly. "Maybe I can go with you? I have nothing to do. I will drive you wherever you need to go."

"I don't want to bother you like that" Yukari muttered.

"No bother" Jiwon smiled, "like I said, I have nothing else to do so… how about it?"

Yukari looked back at him. "Okay" he agreed finally.


	9. Sublime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm bad at visualizing and describing what their clothes looks like. So I'll leave that to your imagination.
> 
> Later on there's a part of the story about tourists, I actually asked my gay friends about this and they all said that it's true. But let me know if it isn't.
> 
> If I offended some of you'll with this chapter. Just let me know so I can revise it, but I still think that this is relevant for Jiwon to actually think what his preferences really is.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the story and ignore my typos and grammar lapses..

.  
.  
.

"Are you sick?" Jiwon exclaimed in concern as he drew into the parking lot that Junhoe indicated, noticing the sign that claimed that this was a hospital although it was quite unlike any hospital he had ever seen. It was an elegant country home, fallen slightly into disrepair, the plaster and wooden beams crumbling in places, although the gardens surrounding it were tended immaculately. The sleek silver BMW looked elegant under the trickling trails of weeping willow that bordered the parking area as Jiwon stopped it in a convenient space.

"No" Junhoe rolled his eyes. "I'm visiting someone."

They both got out of the car and Jiwon stopped to look up at the stately house. "Is this really a hospital?" he wondered aloud before realising that Junhoe had already walked ahead without him. "Ah, wait!" he jogged to catch up. "Do you want me to come in with you?"

Junhoe paused and seemed to consider this. "There's no harm" he acknowledged. "She'll probably still remember you."

"Remember me?" Jiwon looked clueless. "Who is it?"

"My sister."

"Yejin?"

"Yeah" Junhoe seemed a little surprised. "You remember her name?"

"Of course. She used to flirt with me whenever I came to your grandpa's house" he smiled at the recollection. "I'd really like to see her again."

Junhoe remained silent as he led them on towards the main door. Inside the reception was a little drab, a little improvised, with worn settees and mismatched armchairs around a reception desk that was nothing more than an overloaded dining table. Jiwon came to understand that this was an old estate which had been converted into a private hospital.

"Ah, Junhoe" the woman at the table greeted from behind thick glasses, recognising him, "and a friend?" she smiled with genuine pleasure. "Please remember to sign in on this sheet before you go through."

Jiwon and Junhoe both dutifully entered their information onto the visitor sheet and then Junhoe led on through carpeted corridors, clearly familiar with the route. When they stopped beside a door, Junhoe paused before turning towards Jiwon seriously.

"She doesn't know where I work" he said bluntly, trusting Jiwo would get the point. Jiwon gave him a nod of understanding and Junhoe pursed his lips slightly, knocked softly and let them both inside the room.

It was a bedroom, not a hospital room. There was a normal bed covered with patterned sheets, a small but full-to-bursting wardrobe and a boxy old TV set mounted onto the wall. A small table carried a compact stereo system alongside a quantity of CDs from which the loud sound of heavy drum and bass music was filling the room. Finally, in a chair beside the window, a girl sat gazing blankly into the air as she listened to the songs, her hair moving in time to her sway.

At their entrance she quickly reduced the volume remotely with the device in her hand.

"Who is it?" she queried, tilting her head in their direction.

"It's me" Junhoe replied.

"Junhoe!" she exclaimed, and promptly threw the remote control in his direction. "You good for nothing boy! It's been two weeks since you've shown up!"

Unfortunately the remote control missed its mark and hit Jiwon square in the face. He promptly gave out an exclamation of surprise and Yejin froze at the sound.

"What's this?" she queried, sitting up straighter, turning her head to the side. "Not alone? Did you finally bring one of your lovers for me to meet?"

"Something like that," Jiwon spoke up, nursing his nose good-naturedly, unable to resist smiling in the face of Yejin's liveliness, "but I'm not his lover yet."

She paused in thought, trying hard to place his familiar voice, brow wrinkling up in concentration as she shifted through her memories. "Come here you" she finally commanded him, holding out her hands, "let me see you."

Smiling, Jiwon crossing the room and came close to her. He knelt on the carpet to meet her at eye level. Gently he took her lifted hands in his own and guided them to rest on his face. She explored every inch of his features with a look of intense concentration. Finally, something seemed to click in her memory.

"Yes, I know you" she muttered finally, her hands immediately going up to test the prickles of his hairstyle. A grin stole over her features and without warning she cuffed him playfully over the head, "you handsome boy you, Kim Jiwon."

"Ah~" he made a noise of mock disappointment through his smile. "You knew me already? I was hoping to trick you." 

'She recognised me faster than Junhoe did.'

"Never!" she declared triumphantly.

There was a rap at the door and a nurse poked her head around tentatively. "Junhoe" she addressed the boy still standing near the door quietly, "The doctor is available in his office now."

"Ah, okay" Junhoe looked towards where Jiwon and his sister were greeting each other. "Jiwon, I need to go and talk to the doctor."

Jiwon turned to look back at him. "Then I'll stay here if that's okay?"

"Sure just" he nodded towards the wall "use that button if there are any problems. The nurses will come over right away."

"Got it."

The door closed as Junhoe left and Jiwon turned his attention back to the seated girl before him.

Yejin had been diagnosed as schizophrenic long before Jiwon had met her. Her blindness, he knew, was not due to any physical problem with her eyes but rather a very rare symptom of her psychological imbalance. Her other symptoms fluctuated up and down by the days. Sometimes she was unable to express herself as her words became hopelessly jumbled and fragmented. Sometimes she imagined things that weren't really there. At other times she appeared completely normal, as now, and her mind was as sharp as a pin, witty and brilliant and pleasant to be around.

Thinking back to when they had been teenagers, Jiwon remembered that the two siblings had lived together with their grandpa who had taken care of Yejin while Junhoe attended school. But he didn't know how Yejin had come to be hospitalised permanently now.

"So…" he began with a smile once Junhoe had left the room, "…nice place you've got here."

"It is," she said contentedly. "The nurses are nice. Some of the patients are nice too. I'm so lucky to stay here rather than in the public hospitals."

"Does your grandpa pay for it?" Jiwon queried curiously.  
"Oh no, grandpa passed away a few years ago. Junhoe pays for me now."

Jiwon blinked "Oh I see."

'Is this how he ended up working at the club?'

"I'm lucky to have him" she confessed with a smile. "He must work hard because I think it's a little expensive here, but he never tells me anything about it" she shifted uncomfortably, "I feel guilty sometimes. After grandpa died Junhoe dropped out of school to work. I don't really know what he does. Sometimes I'm afraid he might be doing something… you know…" she dropped her voice, "…illegal."

Jiwon stared at her in confusion for a moment before shaking his head, "Oh no" he refuted, "he wouldn't do anything like that. I'm sure he's just working hard like you said."

"Do you know what he does?"

He shook his head determinedly. "We only met again by chance a few days ago."

"I'm worried about him" she admitted with a sigh. "Did he tell you he is gay?"

"I kind of figured that out myself" he muttered, thinking back to the first time he'd seen Yukari dance.

"Do you remember back at school how he never spoke to anyone?"

Jiwon nodded before remembering she couldn't see him and gave an affirmative hum instead.

"Well, now he sometimes tells me a little about his lovers, but it seems he doesn't keep any of them for long. At first I was really glad that he was finally making connections with people, you know?" she twisted her hands. "But now I think he hasn't changed at all. Those boys, he's just using them, none of them mean anything to him. He runs through them like he's trying to escape from something. It worries me."

"I don't think you should be worried" he replied placating. "He seemed to be in control of things. I think he knows what he's doing."

"But, it's like he's still hiding himself away, even more than before. He doesn't even go by his real name any more. As far as I know, you and I are the only people in the world who still call him Junhoe."

Jiwon pursed his lips. Yesterday, he would have been worried too. Yesterday, he would have agreed with her. But things had changed since then. He sighed instead.

"I think you're looking at this the wrong way" he told her. "I don't think Junhoe is trying to hide himself; I think he's trying to be himself. If Yukari gives him the freedom he needs to do it then I'm grateful for that. Right now…" he paused and mulled it over for a second before continuing, "…right now I think he is the happiest, most confident and most stable I have ever seen him. I think he's trying to live like he wants to live. And I think you should have faith in him for that."

She tilted her head sideways as if thinking this over. "I never thought of it that way" she admitted. "But I'd still feel happier if I knew you were around to make sure he is okay."

"Of course I will. Now I have found him I have no wish to lose sight of him again."

'Besides, he added silently, I think it's me who needs to be near him now. He makes me feel things I can't begin to understand.'

"I hate that I can't be there for him." Yejin continued. "But you… you were… special to him, I think. You are the only one he's ever really cared about."

Special? Jiwon was just about to query her meaning when the door swung open again and Junhoe appeared in the doorframe, cutting off his still unformed words.

"I hope you two are not fighting" he said with an eyebrow raised, moving close to his sister and laying a hand on her shoulder. "Doctor said you've been much better this week. How are you feeling now?"

"Good" she replied, turning her face up towards him, "Really good. I'm feeling much better today. I think talking to Jiwon has put me in a good mood."

"Oh?" Junhoe's eyes flickered over to Jiwon who simply shrugged off the commendation. "Then... I'm glad he came."

 

======

 

Once they had got back into the car, Jiwon put his hand to the ignition but paused. Staring out the window at the weeping willows Junhoe didn't notice his hesitation until Jiwon said his name.

"What?" he demanded, turning back and seeing Jiwon's stare.

"You didn't finish high school."

"So what?"

"You dropped out to pay for your sister's medical expenses."

Junhoe glared at him. "Is there a point to you saying this stuff?"

Jiwon's face broke out into a smile. "You're a really beautiful guy."

Junhoe rolled his eyes and looked away. "Whatever."

"No, really" he found himself leaning closing, bridging the gap between the two seats, "I really admire you." He set a soft, innocent kiss on Junhoe's temple. The brush of skin and the gentle tickle of fine fringe against his lips made him pause there. He breathed in and the soft fragrance of coffee and cinnamon heated his cheeks with cosy comforts.

Junhoe immediately stiffened at the touch and his eyes flashed up to meet Jiwon's in apprehension. Their eyes met. Too late Jiwon realised that he was too close, that he no longer had the excuse of drunkenness. Too late so that he could only stare at him in astonishment, knowing that the truth was he wanted him more than ever.

"…Jiwon?" Junhoe's wide eyes betrayed his trepidation as he too felt the intensity of their closeness.

Jiwon's only reply was to reach out a soft uncertain hand to grip the back of his neck, brushing inquisitively against the fine hairs there. He gently drew Junhoe in closer until their noses touched delicately. Warm sticky breath meeting mid-air between their trembling lips, and breathing suddenly shortened in a pause of fluttering stomachs. When Junhoe didn't pull away, when Jiwon sensed that he wasn't going to, he brought him in fully against his warmth and tenderly pressed their lips together.

This was different. Last night had been experimentation, fumbling and half remembered smoky drunkenness. But this, this - Jiwon almost sighed against Junhoe's warm mocha sweetness - this was like romance.

He felt Junhoe's arms move tentatively around him, pressing curiously against his back, warm and supple even as Jiwon's soft tongue played gentle flutterings at the gate of his lips until, with a sigh and a close of eyes Junhoe let him take him over.

No roughness, no fierce fury, Jiwon remembered himself enough to provide Junhoe with his own space to explore. But Junhoe did not take any command of this kiss despite Jiwon's invitation to him. It seemed this time he was content to fall back, to give way before Jiwon curious questioning.

More than willing to adjust to this change in dynamics Jiwon pushed with soft insistence against him, running his tongue with gentle stroke about his lips, through the heated air of his breath, curling sweetly around Junhoe's own trembling moistness like an embrace.

And Junhoe gave no resistance, no playfight, no temptations to him. He lay down before Jiwon's touch passive and silent. Uncharacteristically submissive.

And then suddenly it occurred to Jiwon that perhaps he was surrendering so utterly in order to deny the responsibility for what they were doing. The thought made him break apart abruptly, although he immediately regretted the loss of intimacy.

Mere inches away Junhoe's eyes were still closed as if savouring the taste, his brow a little crinkled with concerns, his lips parted softly, shimmering wet with Jiwon's touch.

Jiwon held his slim shoulders tightly in his hands, staring intensely into his troubled look, wondering what it meant. He opened his mouth to say something, to explain, to make up some kind of excuse, but Junhoe spoke before he could think of anything.

"Don't do this" he whispered softly, almost like a plea.

Jiwon blinked in surprise.

"Please don't do this to me, Jiwon."

Junhoe's eyes finally opened though he looked away immediately, pulling himself back out of Jiwon's grip. He sat back in the chair, one elbow resting on the window, twisting his body away like a cold shoulder, and gazed once again out of the window deep in troubled thoughts.

Jiwon stared at him in confusion, feeling the unfamiliar stab of hurtful rejection. His pride stung him and he suddenly felt foolish, idiotic. He'd taken a chance – as far as he was concerned a huge chance considering he didn't even like men – only to be shot down so easily. Ears ringing with embarrassment he turned back to the wheel and started the engine.

They drove the whole way back in silence.

 

========

 

"Uhm – what's going on?" Jinhwan stared theatrically at the empty space on the office wall where the picture of Junhoe had been. Not even Monday morning seemed capable of keeping his irritating spirits down. "Where's the picture gone? Are you giving it to me?"

"Sure, you can take it" Jiwon replied, waving a hand towards the frame that leant abandoned and face-backwards against the wall.

"Seriously?" Jinhwan practically danced over to claim it, turning it back around so that the effortless seduction of Yukari's heated stare returned to the room. "How come?"

"I just don't like it so much after all." 

'I have to get these feelings out of my head. It's stupid to be feeling this much desire for a man. I'm not even gay. And he doesn't even like me back.'

Jinhwan looked suspicious for a while, replacing the picture against the wall and wandering in meandering lines over to the desk. He paused right in front of it, staring down at Jiwon's bent head until the man was forced to look up at him.

"Did something happen between the two of you?" Jinhwan asked unexpectedly.

Jiwon recoiled in unpleasant surprise at his astuteness. "No" he immediately snapped a little too quickly.

Jinhwan lifted a hand and stroked his chin thoughtfully, "Ah ha" he said, and Jiwon glowered at him.

Knowing better than to push Jiwon into a corner about it, Jinhwan quickly skirted around the obvious issue; "Well, did you ask him about working here full time?"

"I did."

"And…?"

"He rejected me."

'He rejected me.'

Jinhwan's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Are you serious? Why?"

Jiwon shrugged and have no other reply, turning his attention back to the computer monitor as if it were of no consequence.

Frowning, Jinhwan gazed thoughtfully into the middle distance, trying to puzzle out Jiwon's dilemma.

"Did you kiss him?" he asked finally.

Jiwon nearly fell out of the chair. "What?" he spluttered indignantly.

"Did you kiss him?" Jinhwan repeated patiently.

Jiwon immediately flushed an unusual shade of red which Jinhwan took curious note of. "I was drunk!" he exclaimed defensively.

"Drunk?" Jinhwan looked increasingly puzzled. "And he gave you the knock down? That's weird. Yukari is too smart to get worked up over a drunken fumble. That kind of shit happens all the time. But he really rejected you?"

"Rejected… I wasn't talking about that, I was talking about the job!"

"No you weren't" Jinhwan insisted, staring down at him until Jiwon caved in unhappily and dropped his head with a thump onto the table.

"…the first time." He muttered dejectedly, face down into the wood.

"Huh?" Jinhwan strained forward to hear.

"I was drunk the first time."

Jinhwan's face split into a huge grin. "Oh wow" he let out a bubbling laugh, immediately understanding the implication "you've come a long way this weekend, boss, I'm proud of you."

"Shut up."

"No really" Jinhwan fell into the chair opposite him, "but let me ask you something. Do you still think you're totally straight?"

Jiwon was silent for a moment. "I don't know" he admitted finally.

"Well then that's your problem" Jinhwan explained lightly, waving a hand. "Yukari is only protecting himself, you know. He won't want to get too involved with a guy who might turn out to be straight after all. It would hurt him if you just turned around and left him in the end, right?"

When Jiwon did not lift his head from the desk, Jinhwan sighed and continued. "Listen, you probably don't know since you're not gay, but we fuck around with straight guys a lot more often than you would think. Normally they're just going through a weird phase, they saw something that got them interested and they just want to try it out. There's no harm in it. Just a quick kiss, a wank, a fuck, and they go on their way. Nine months later you see them married with kids. It happens all the time. We call them tourists."

Jiwon lifted his head. "And you think I'm a tourist?"

"I don't think anything" Jinhwan replied, lifting his hands to ward the question away, "I'm just telling you why Yukari might be a bit careful around you. I mean, if you were just a quick fuck it wouldn't really matter. But, you're not, are you? You're Kim Jiwon."

Jiwon groaned. "So what am I supposed to do now?"

"Well, you really need to work out whether your attraction to him is just a weird phase or whether you really could be bi."

"How?"

Jinhwan grinned wickedly "Easy – just try kissing someone else! See if you get a reaction." He puckered his lips invitingly.

Jiwon made a disgusted face and leaned back. "Get the hell out."

Jinhwan dissolved into laughter. "Oh, it really seems like you're still in denial." When Jiwon scowled at him, Jinhwan smiled back shamelessly. "How about going out with me and Yukari tonight? He's going to take me round the clubs since Monday is his night off. He knows a lot about the night scene round here and he's on the VIP list of practically every damn place. I'm so envious." He sighed dreamily. "If a confused straight guy like you actually ends up with a smoking hottie like him, I'll know for sure there's something very wrong with the world."

"You guys are going out together tonight?"

"Yeah" Jinhwan nodded enthusiastically. "We arranged it last week. If you come along maybe you'll see something you like, get your chance to test out those homo-urges of yours. Yummy." He licked his lips. "At the very least you owe it to the boy to see the world he lives in, right? You want to know if you could really be together with him, right?"

"I don't know…" Jiwon frowned. The idea of going around gay clubs didn't sit quite right with him.

"Oh, I don't want to force you" Jinhwan smiled provokingly, "after all, if you're not there it's much more likely I'll finally be able to get Yukari into bed." He rubbed his hands together gleefully. "I seriously can't wait to have him. I bet his ass is tight as fuck. I'm gonna make him scream so loud the whole damn building will…"

"I'll come" Jiwon snapped in annoyance. "Just shut up."

Jinhwan laughed again as he rose from the chair. "You're cute when you're jealous." He waved a hand, "Anyway, swing by the studio after work so I can tart you up." He threw Jiwon a wink as he turned for the door.

He paused for a second in consideration before reluctantly deciding to leave the framed photo behind.

 

=======

 

Jinhwan's idea of tarting up was not as camp or as distressing as Jiwon had feared. Dark blue jeans like he hadn't worn in years covered his legs and low on the hips, a little bit hip-hop in style. On his upper body he wore a semi fitted black shirt. His hair was styled more softly than usual so it wilted slightly at the top and fringe, dropping alluringly over his eyes.

"Where the hell have you been hiding that body?" Jinhwan exclaimed upon seeing him. "Why didn't you tell me you were this fucking hot?"

Jiwon had examined himself in the mirror thoughtfully. Perhaps this was a good idea after all. He hadn't had much of an opportunity to relax like this in recent years, his party days coming to a halt after leaving university, and even though there probably wouldn't be women at the clubs they went to, it still might be fun to drink and dance together.

"Honestly" Jinhwan grumbled later as he dragged him along the pavement towards the brightly lit bars, "if Yukari doesn't melt at the sight of you I'll be tempted to say that he's the one that must be straight."

Jiwon snorted softly in derision, but still felt a pleasant prickle in his chest. He couldn't help hoping that Junhoe would be impressed by his attractive appearance tonight.

As it was, Jiwon spotted Junhoe long before Jinhwan did. Doubtless Jinhwan was looking out for the familiar flop of black hair and casual t-shirt and jeans the boy usually wore to the office, but Jiwon was a little wiser as to how Junhoe would probably prefer to dress to go dancing. He saw him leaning against the wall, one foot lifted to press against it idly, sending curls of smoke into the night air wistfully, ignoring the passing looks sent his way. 

Jiwon pointed him out and they headed towards where he was waiting for them.

Junhoe looked up as they arrived and Jiwon had the chance to notice that tonight his eyes were a deep brownish red.

Junhoe took in Jinhwan's style in one casual sweep of his eyes, silently admiring his expensive and fashionably mismatched suit that followed the retro style of the 60s mods.

Then Junhoe's eyes paused on Jiwon in surprise, not having expected him to be tagging along. As with Jinhwan he dragged his gaze irresistibly over him, lingering over the glimpses of skin, before sighing and straightening from the wall.

"I asked him to come along" Jinhwan explained with a knowing grin, tossing his head in Jiwon's direction, "It's not a problem right?"

"Of course not" Junhoe replied dismissively.

"Doesn't he look hot?" Jinhwan suggested provokingly.

"Yeah" Junhoe agreed without much enthusiasm and without looking at Jiwon again. Jiwon frowned slightly in disappointment but fell obediently into step behind him as Junhoe led them on towards the door of one of the clubs. The bright sign above the entrance named it as Circles.

By-passing the small week-night queue entirely, Junhoe walked them straight up to the door where a powerfully-built bouncer greeted him by name.

"Yukari! Good to see you out here." The large man ran his eyes across the three of them appraisingly. "I hear Paradise Lost is still closed for a few more days. These friends of yours?"

"Yeah, can you let us in?"

"Anything for you gorgeous" the man grinned, immediately opening the barrier for them to slip through. As they filed through the gap, the bouncer took the opportunity to assess their clothing. "What an odd mix of styles" he pointed out in amusement.

Jiwon smiled back slightly, not really knowing how best to deflect such unwanted attention. Thankfully as the bouncer reached forward an imprudent hand to brush Jiwon's jaw, it was Junhoe who snapped, "Hands off. That one's mine."

The man withdrew his hand immediately. "Ah, is that so?" he smiled at Jiwon, "Lucky boy. Well, then have a good night."

Jiwon smiled back a little self-consciously and followed the other two into the club, wondering what on earth the night would have in store, and unable to work out which of the two of them the bouncer had been referring to as lucky.


	10. Walls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Jiwon's almost there, do you want me to hurry up and make Jiwon gay already or continue with this pace? 
> 
> Tell me what you think after reading this okay?
> 
> Enjoy.

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Weighing up the situation as best he could, considering the drinks and the pounding music, Jiwon was forced to conclude that this was perhaps not one of his better nights.

As soon as the trio had downed their first shots at the bar, Yukari had immediately vanished into the throng of people on the dance floor without a word, though Jinhwa had helpfully explained to Jiwon that he was probably "in search of prey".

His meaning had become clearer some time later when the crowds parted in such a way that Jiwon was able to catch sight of Yukari dancing sandwiched between two enthusiastic men with all his typical stage sexual abandon. He was granting what Jiwon deemed quite unnecessary liberties to his two companions, allowing them to touch and hold him in places that Jiwon grew hot just thinking about, moving his lithe body for them generously with flexes and arches and twists.

Jiwon had felt his mood plummet like a stone but Jinhwan had laughed it off easily. "Look at him trying to keep his mind off you" he'd said smugly, "it's almost cute."

When Jiwon stared back at him with a look that bordered upon the brink of suicide, Jinhwan clapped his shoulder bracingly with a smile. "He lets them touch him because he doesn't give a shit about them. Don't forget that."

It hadn't made Jiwon feel any better.

Soon afterwards Jinhwan had also spotted something that was apparently to his taste because he dashed off, abandoning Jiwon at the bar, swooping in to work his magic on a fresh-faced young man who had just come into their field of vision. Jiwon watched as Jinhwan touched his arm to get his attention and moved in close to dance up against him, leaning down to whisper in his ear. The young man smiled up at him coyly and, linking arms they too had been swallowed up by the crowd.

So left entirely alone Jiwon swirled the liquid in his glass and sighed, wondering what on earth he was meant to do now.

"Hi."

He looked to his right and came nose to nose with an attractive pair of soft brown eyes. He leant back instinctively to provide more space between them.

"I'm sorry" the man immediately apologised, "I didn't mean to startle you. I just saw you sitting by yourself and I am also on my own so I thought…"

"No, no" Jiwon waved a hand, "it's okay."

"I don't want to interrupt you if you're waiting for someone…"

"Ah no" Jiwon smiled, a little embarrassed, "to tell you the truth I've been abandoned."

The man smiled back and Jiwon took a moment to consider his appearance. He was not dressed up, wearing only simple jeans and baggy -large t-shirt in a casual skateboarder style. He seemed a lot more normal than some of the other club-goers around them who were dressed eccentrically in the extremes of gay fashion – neon and leather and bare skin. He seemed the kind of guy Jiwon would have made friends with. Not strikingly good looking perhaps, but pleasant on the eyes nonetheless.

The man turned and ordered a drink from the bartender. "My name is Hanbin" he explained.

"I'm Jiwon."

The man looked at him curiously. "Jiwon? Like the clothes shop Jiwon?"

"Ah, yeah. That's right."

"Wow, do you work for that company?"

"Haha, no. It's just coincidence I have the same name." His response was automatic. He knew that there were plenty of people who would stake false friendships with him on account of his money. He'd found that generally it was better to feign neutrality when meeting new people, at least until he had a better judge of their characters.

"Well, Jiwon, what brings you here tonight?"

Jiwon winced slightly. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"But now I'm intrigued!" The man swivelled on the bar stool to face him directly.

Jiwon sighed slightly. "Ok but if you wanna hear it I'll have to order another shot first" he replied, waving the bartender over and downing the provided shot of vodka in one gasp.

"So?" Hanbin was looking at him in interest.

"Ok" Jiwon took a breath, figuring he had nothing to lose by revealing the situation to this friendly stranger. "Basically I'm sort of attracted to a guy who is kind of my friend. But he won't touch me because he doesn't believe I'm actually gay, or bi, or whatever. He's the first man I've ever been attracted to, you see."

"Oh, bummer" Hanbin nodded sympathetically.

"Well" Jiwon continued, feeling like he was on a roll. "My other gay friend said I ought to come here and try getting it on with another man to kind of… prove… my gayness, I suppose. Then maybe my first friend – the one I like, I mean – will… I guess… look at me."

"That sucks." Hanbin pouted. "Why should you have to kiss someone else just to please your friend? If he was really interested he would take a chance on you, tourist or not. That's what pisses me off about gay guys, you know? They're so promiscuous. They think sex means nothing."

"You're not gay?" Jiwon queried in surprise.

"I'm bi. But to be honest most of the time I prefer women. I think they've got a better attitude to sex and all. The gays just use you and walk away. They don't give a shit about anything except getting their dicks sucked."

Jiwo stared at him in astonishment. His bluntness was almost refreshing. To tell the truth Jiwon had been harbouring a similar opinion, but he'd always put it down to his own misunderstanding of the gay lifestyle. He'd always somehow assumed that his inability to understand their attitudes was his own fault rather than theirs. But to hear the negatives hammered out by Hanbin brought home how much he secretly agreed with him.

He wondered if he ought to say something to defend his friends, but when his mouth opened, foreign words fell out instead; "do you want to dance?"

"Sure" Hanbin replied with a grin.

They moved to the floor together. Hanbin was quite short so that when he brought him into his arms it was a lot more like being with a girl than when he stood beside the much taller Junhoe. It seemed simple and innocent. His clothes were cotton and felt clean and easy under his hands. Bending down slightly Jiwon breathed in the scent of his hair – it was boyish and comfortable.

"I don't think you can be gay" Hanbin said against his chest as they moved slowly together ignoring the more vigorous motions of the others around them, "you're not an asshole."

"Really?" Jiwon smiled comfortably, knitting his hands in Hanbin's hair inquisitively. It felt softer than Junhoe's; less shiny, less dramatic somehow. More… real. "Because with you like this I was beginning to believe that I really might be."

"Sweet talker" Hanbin laughed softly. "You'll ask to kiss me next."

"May I?"

Hanbin turned his face up to him. "Aren't you just testing your gayness for that other guy?"

"No actually I… kind of like you."

"I'd hate to be kissed by you while you were imagining me to be someone else you know."

Hanbin laughed. "That's not possible." 

'There's no way I could mix them up. They're total opposites.'

"Then you'd better hurry up."

"Hmmm" Jiwon feigned a moment of panic before dropping his head to brush their lips together. It was simple and chaste, and he drew back almost immediately.

"Is that all?" Hanbin queried in disappointment, gazing up at him through his bangs.

"Hehe" Jiwon smiled goofily. "I guess I'm a little nervous."

Hanbin shrugged and smiled. "Well that's okay."

As the current song morphed into a familiar anthem and people began to crowd to the floor, Jiwon and Hanbin wound their way back over the edge of the floor where it would be easier to talk. They leant together at a convenient railing, slightly aglow with a strange relaxation.

"Do you come here often?" Jiwon asked curiously.

"No. Once in a blue moon. Most of my friends are straight and it isn't much fun to come here alone but… sometimes, like tonight, I just feel like I want to be with a man, you know?" He smiled shyly.

"Is it very different, being with a man or a woman?"

"Oh yeah, totally different" Hanbin tilted his head in thought. "Women are soft and allowing. They usually just let you take over; rag-dolls after a while and you can just do what you like. But men aren't usually like that; you have to be prepared to share the control. Obviously there are some guys who are hugely dominant, and others who are always submissive, but most prefer to move between the two. That's the advantage of being gay after all – you get the best of both worlds. Like, for me, women can get a little repetitive, I find it's nice to just be taken over by a man sometimes, nice to be submissive for once."

"Yeah I, think I understand." 

'Junhoe… I wonder if he makes love the same way he kisses. Giving and taking. Demanding and then returning.'

"Actually I guess it's pretty daunting the first time, if you've only ever been with women before. I mean – the ass thing" Hanbin chuckled as if embarrassed "can take some getting used to. And if you're the one taking it, first few times it can hurt a lot."

"Oh but… I think I would be…" Jiwon trailed off.

'On top? With Junhoe? Actually, there's no guarantee of that. He has a lot more experience than me. I would probably have to follow whatever he decided.'

"It would be best to try it out with someone you're comfortable with…" Hanbin ran a thoughtful finger down Jiwon's forearm, and Jiwon looked up in surprise.

'Is he offering…?'

"If you want I could…" Hanbin continued shyly, trailing off suggestively and blushing.

Jiwon stared at him.

'Is he serious? He wants to sleep with me, just like that? Easy sex. No consequences. Harmless fun. This strange society where love has so little meaning.'

Still, to his own surprise, Jiwon found himself weighing up the options thoughtfully. It wasn't, after all, a bad idea. Hanbin was a nice guy. And if having sex with a man was going to be impossible for Jiwon it was surely better to find out now rather than in bed with a firecracker like Junhoe.

But, realistically he knew he was going to need a few more drinks first.

"Okay but… let's dance a little more first."

"Sure" Hanbin linked their arms and drew himself closer to Jiwon. "Let's kiss a little more too."

Jiwon found himself smiling warmly and obliging him – threading fingers into his hair and holding him steady as he bent down to kiss him again. Properly this time.

Hanbin also reached up, twisting his hands into Jiwon's hair and pulling him down to meet his lips. He didn't let Jiwon pull away like last time, instead opening his mouth slightly to turn the dry lip touch into something warmer. His lips had an odd texture, neither dry nor moist but something in between so that Jiwon could feel the gentle ridges of them pleasantly, touching them tentatively with his tongue tip. It felt a little weird, but it wasn't dislikeable.

Soon Hanbin released the gripped hair strands, moving his palms instead to stroke Jiwon's neck soothingly. Jiwon found himself humming softly into the sweetness of their gentle exchange.

Neither of them fought for control of the kiss, they just allowed their lips to rub and smooth each other neutrally, only the occasional flickering tongue adding any sense of zeal to the thing. On the whole it was innocent and naive. Almost like a first kiss.

When they parted Hanbin smiled up at him and Jiwon found himself smiling back. 'I'm kissing a man' - he realised – 'and I like it.' Perhaps he would make love to a man and like it too. He flushed slightly at the thought.

Hanbin snuck his arms around Jiwon's waist contentedly, fiddling affectionately with the hem of his shirt and leaning against his shoulder.

"Oh" he said unexpectedly, his eyes coming to rest on something somewhere behind Jiwon's back. "What a beautiful man. He's looking this way, do you know him?"

And Jiwon froze.

He didn't need to turn back, but he did so anyway, releasing his grip on Hanbin's small body to see Junhoe standing silent and still a few feet away, simply watching them. There was no way to guess how long he had been standing there. It seemed to Jiwon that Junhoe had become even more stunning, more seductive, more wild and sensual in the short time that they'd separated.

"Err…" he said, but stopped when Junhoe began to walk directly towards them. He swallowed, remembering finally that getting together with another man had been Jinhwan's stupid idea, and that Junhoe didn't know anything about it. Will he be angry?

Junhoe arrived beside them and turned his eyes on Jiwon coolly. It was immediately obvious that he had been drinking.

"I'm leaving" Junhoe told him tersely. "Come with me."

He's jealous Jiwon realised thunderstruck. His eyes flashed towards Hanbin. "But... I can't just…"

"I see" Junhoe didn't wait for him to finish but narrowed his eyes and, without further words, turned and walked away again.

The two boys stared after him in astonishment.

"Wow, what a jerk. Do you know that guy?" Hanbin asked in amazement.

"Well… yeah."

'What the hell am I doing?'

To weigh them against each other was worlds beyond stupid. There just wasn't any contest.

"Sorry Hanbin but I… I have to go."

"What? But…"

Jiwon flashed him an apologetic smile. "Thanks for everything."

He didn't look back, although he was sure Hanbin's eyes were following him all the way. He raced after Junhoe's retreating back as best he could, pushing through the gathered groups of dancers and patrons until he managed to catch Junhoe's arm and spin him back round so they were nose to nose.

"Ok" he said with a smile. "Let's go together."

Junhoe stared up at him astonished, and then suddenly warm. "Good" he said.

"But… what about Jinhwan?" Jiwon queried.

"If you think he's still here, you're more naïve than I thought."

"Ah…" Jiwon began as Junhoe turned away and continued walking, hurrying to keep up with his weaving strides "…so uhm, where are we going now?"

"Your place."

"….oh." Jiwon immediately felt himself flush red. It seemed the night wasn't over quite yet.

 

========

 

Junhoe looked around Jiwon's unit with interest, taking in the sight of the expensive cream carpet and designer minimalist furniture. He said nothing, so it was hard to gauge whether or not he was impressed.

It was a studio flat – but it was far from typical in size. Junhoe estimated it to be at least four times larger than any other flat he'd seen. Situated in an exclusive block in the heart of the city's downtown are, it must have been worth a fortune.

All this luxury and space for just one man seemed kind of a waste. Still it couldn't be denied that the place was elegant, beautiful even, although – what with the lack of pictures and personal items – a little cold.

"Go take a shower" he told Jiwon, settling himself onto the sofa and picking up a fashion magazine to flip through. He looked a little out of place with his tight clothes and elaborate hair. He had not bothered to remove his highboots.

"Uhm, what about you?" Jiwon queried, slightly flushed.

"I'll be okay."

"But… maybe something to drink?"

"I'll help myself."

"Oh, okay."

Junhoe did not look up from the magazine so Jiwon resigned himself with a shrug and headed towards his closet for a fresh set of clothes and then vanished into the bathroom.

Once he'd gone, Junhoe set aside the magazine and started the awkward and inelegant task of removing his boots. That done he made himself a glass of ice water in the kitchen, gulping it back and shaking his head from side to side in an effort to clear it. Lastly he headed over to the beautiful full-length mirror on the wall near Jiwon's neatly made king sized bed and set about removing his wig and contact lenses. Unfortunately his hair was a little flat underneath, though he did his best to ruffle it into its usual state of lustre.

The result was good enough. At least it looked like Koo Junhoe, and unusually that was what he really wanted for a change.

He looked at the soft, plush bed for a moment and considered laying out on it, but figured it would probably be a little too much for Jiwon. He was still wary of causing the guy to panic and bolt, so he returned to his place on the sofa with good grace.

When Jiwon emerged from the bathroom he immediately noticed Junhoe's changed appearance and though he said nothing, he was glad of it. Beyond a doubt he preferred Junhoe's natural hair and eyes.

Junhoe gestured him over and Jiwon sat beside him cautiously, clueless and nervous over what was in store for him.

"Did you have fun at the club?" Junhoe asked.

"Well, I guess."

"Who was that man you were with?"

"Hanbin? I just met him tonight."

"You seemed rather…" Junhoe chose his words carefully "…affectionate. I wasn't expecting you to be picking up guys."

"I wasn't…" Jiwon began in defence, only to trail off uncomfortably. 'Yes I was' – he realised – 'I was even thinking about sleeping with him.' He sighed. "It's just that Jinhwan said meeting other guys might help me get my head straight."

"Straight about what?"

"Straight about… you."

Junhoe paused. He seemed to mull this over thoughtfully. Jiwon wouldn't notice it, but his companion's heartbeat had sped up perceptibly, his hands had become hot and clammy, and his stomach was twisted so much he thought he might be sick.

"And did it?" he managed to ask finally, all his usual god-given aloofness hiding the tight and crushing pressure he felt in his chest.

Jiwon looked down at his hands and flushed slightly. "I don't think straight is quite the right word" he muttered.  
And Junhoe laughed. It was a strange sound. At once relieved and light but with that cutting edge of bitterness he simply could not disguise. So many years lusting after a man who would never love him back. And now that he'd finally managed to ground himself in the world, here they were again. It was total madness. Still, it didn't do to look a gift horse in the mouth. So when Jiwon lifted his head in surprise at the sound, Junhoe immediately cupped his face in two firm hands, bringing them eye to smouldering eye.

"Good" he said, and tilting his head to the side, kissed him.

Kissing Hanbin, Jiwon now realised, was nothing, nothing, compared to this.

Junhoe was so much warmer, fiercer, so much more in all his soul-stoking artlessness. He kissed like he meant it. He kissed like there was nothing else in the world but them and their ever entwining tongues.

Junhoe, apparently so at ease, so certain in himself, made Jiwon's world tip from side to side, sending him tumbling down an abyss from which he had no wish to escape. With simple and honest beckoning, he pulled Jiwon's desire to the surface of his consciousness, celebrating it in wave after wave of heat and wet and want.

It was the third kiss that they had shared – but it was the first that belonged to Junhoe – and its character seemed to reflect that. It was not an echo of Jiwon's fumbling experiment, nor his delve into gentle sweetness. This kiss was a hot and searing symphony to lust.

As Jiwon melted into their shared heat, Junhoe lifted himself up, not breaking the kiss but pushing Jiwon back into the sofa as he moved over to straddle his lap. Jiwon's eyes immediately flew open when he realised that their twin straining shafts were pressed together through their clothing. He tried to move away in surprise.

Sensing that Jiwon had hit the first of his comfort barriers, Junhoe obligingly pulled back, lifting his hips to break the sexual contact and ending the kiss to allow Jiwon time to settle his reservations. To allow Jiwon time to realise if he wanted the sensations to return.

"Junhoe, I…" he was stammering in confused astonishment.

Junhoe waited patiently for him to continue, but he didn't seem capable of saying anything more.

"Please tell me what you feel" he prompted quietly, not moving an inch, reigning in his own hammering heart desperately. He couldn't mess this up. He just couldn't.

With the contact between them temporarily neutralized, Jiwon found his voice. "Uhm, pretty… nervous, I guess" he replied with a grimace. "You know I've never been with a man before."

"I know. I understand."

It seemed as if their conversation had ended because neither said or did anything more, Junhoe maintaining his position, frozen like a statue, poised over Jiwon, just waiting for… something.

It was a few minutes of silence and nervousness before it finally happened. A curious pair of hands moved on his back. Not willing to rush anything he remained still and silent, allowing Jiwon the time to run his uncertain touch over Junhoe's body in exploration, feeling his shoulders, his arms, his back, his sides, edging closer and closer to his rear but always stopping just short as if in shyness. It made Junhoe smile.

"Jiwon" he finally drew his attention again after the inquisitive touch had continued for a while, "how many women have you been with?"

"Uh…" Jiwon was momentarily taken aback, but tried to answer nonetheless, "I don't really know…" he hadn't withdraw his hands from the small of Junhoe's clothed back. That was good. "Ten? Fifteen?"

Junhoe had to refrain from rolling his eyes. So many women and here he was acting like the blushing virgin. With that much experience, Junhoe guessed he could risk a small push.

"Ok well…" he said, moving back further to lose Jiwon's hands, sliding off the sofa entirely so he puddled on the floor between Jiwon's thighs. He seized his waistband, causing the man to start in surprise, but this time he did not back down from Jiwon's uncertainties. He was fairly confident Jiwon would have had this happen to him before.

"Once I'm done here…" he explained, drawing the fly down with a satisfying zip, batting Jiwon's protesting hands away, "…you'll have to tell me…" his fingers disappeared into the gap and quickly came flesh to flesh with solid heat, "…which is better." Freeing Jiwon from the fabric he dipped his head down to blow cool air across the wet tip. "Me?" a rough tongue gave it a teasing flick, "or fifteen women?"

There was a short pause as Jiwon processed this.

And then he gasped as Junhoe swallowed him down to the back of his throat in one smooth slide.

His hands clawed at the sofa, at Junhoe's shoulders and finally at Junhoe's hair as he felt his brain rapidly shutting down to anything except the powerful pleasure that Junhoe's flexing throat and hot rubbing tongue and chewing lips were inflicting on him.

Junhoe's mouth was wet as if he insisted on it, saliva soon pooling around the base of Jiwon's shaft and constantly replaced by more. Not a half-wet, half-irritating and painfully dry affair that so many women gave up. Junhoe was not afraid or ashamed of the liquid he coated Jiwon with, it was sloppy and messy and utterly sensational. The pleasure racked up exponentially when it wasn't necessary for Jiwon to wince at the dryness with every bob of head.

But what hit Jiwon the most were his eyes. He didn't close them, look away or dip his head down; he stared straight up into Jiwon's face intensely, giving the sense of both his power and his submission.

Jiwon had had blow jobs before, but nothing that was as effortlessly stimulating as this. It was as if Junhoe knew every single way to draw pleasure out of him.

"Shit…" he was soon groaning, throwing his head back, gasping, tossing his head from side to side in an effort to distract himself to little effect. The pooling looseness in his body concentrated rapidly in his groin despite his best efforts to hold it back. His hands clenched into fists in Junhoe's hair.

Finally it was one finger that finished him off, pressed centrally and firmly and with god-like timing in the space just behind his scrotum like it was pressing a magic button. His back arched in a sudden trust, throwing himself forward into Junhoe's mercy as he shot his blinding amazement down his throat; hot, hot and diabolically good.

He fell back again, panting. Junhoe wiped his mouth on the back of his hand, rising from his knees and reaching for the tissues on the table. He carefully cleaned up the wetness he'd left on Jiwon's skin and around his own mouth, before closing Jiwon s fly back up and sitting back beside him on the sofa.

Jiwon, immobile, stared up at the ceiling blurredly. He didn't think he had anything left in him and awaited with serious apprehension for what Junhoe would do next, but though he waited for a long while, no further contact was forthcoming.

When he looked to the side, Junhoe was leaning forwards, elbows on knees, staring dazedly at the wall before him in a trance.

"Junhoe?" he queried.

"Oh" he seemed to startle out of his revere. He turned his eyes on Jiwon in confusion. "Sorry but – do you have some clothes I can borrow?"

"Clothes?"

"Yeah. It's a little late to bother heading home. And sleeping in these" he tried to pluck at the skin-tight clothes but couldn't even get a hold on it "isn't very comfortable."

"But…" Jiwon stammered in confusion "…don't you want to…" his eyes flickered downwards to Junhoe's crotch before he could stop himself.

"Oh, no, no it's fine." Junhoe waved a hand in dismissal.

'This is more than I could ever have hoped for. I'm… satisfied… just with this. Besides, he isn't ready. This is enough for now. '

"I'm pretty tired actually."

"Oh."

"You don't mind me staying over?"

"No. No, of course not."

"May I use your shower?"

"Yeah… yeah. I'll… get you some clothes then."

After handing over a t-shirt, a pair of sweatpants and some clean cotton underwear, Jiwon watched Junhoe disappear into his bathroom with equal parts of disappointment and gut-felt relief.

Junhoe, meanwhile, leant his body against the cool tiles of the shower and, feeling the warm water wash over him, pumped himself for all he was worth.  
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	11. Feb8 is JunBob Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that the title is kinda off! But I am so happy that Junhoe posted about JunBob on his ig. I'm so happy right now. CRY WITH ME!!!
> 
> Otherwise, enjoy this chapter.

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Jiwon pulled his socks on thoughtfully. Tuesday morning, seven thirty am, and he was kind of regretting having to get back into his usual suit and tie. Still, work could not be avoided.

A rustle of blankets behind him and Junhoe's sleepy face and tousled hair poked out from the warmth of the bed. "Wasejdi3kdtime?"

Jiwon couldn't help but smile at the incoherent babble of sleepiness. Guessing, rather than understanding, the meaning he replied; "I have to go in to work. It's seven thirty already."

Junhoe groaned irritably, grumbled something rude and the blankets were pulled back up, his head vanishing from view.

Jiwon laughed and patted the lump in the duvet with his palm. "I'll leave the spare keys right here. You sleep as long as you want, just remember to lock up when you go."

The blankets grumbled something. Jiwon guessed it was in agreement.

It was nice to wake up to a human face – even if it was a decidedly grumpy one. It had been quite some time since Jiwon had had anyone share his bed. After Junhoe had showered last night he'd attempted to sleep on the sofa, much to Jiwon's consternation, and eventually had had to be dragged into bed. It was king sized so there was more than enough room, Jiwin pointed out to him, although it was worth noting that they'd slept both together on only one side of it, legs twisted together and clean cotton-clad bodies sharing an easy embrace.

'Like lovers ' Jiwon thought, and blushed.

With a soft grunt he stood up and straightened his suit. Picking up the briefcase by his feet he took a step away from the bed before pausing.

"Will I… see you tonight?" he asked hopefully.

There was no reply, and Jiwon guessed that Junhoe had already fallen back into sleep. He frowned in disappointment but then the blankets flailed a little before being shoved back tiredly to reveal half-lidded eyes. "Mm workin tonigh" was the drowsy reply.

"Oh – the club is open again?"

"Hmm."

"What time do you finish?"

Junhoe let out a soft snort. "Four? Five? I dunno. Whenevrit closes."

'Of course, he works a night shift.' Jiwon sighed. It seemed that meeting up would be difficult for them since they worked opposite hours.

"Want to meet for dinner then?" he queried. He really wanted to spend more time with Junhoe. He wanted to learn so much more about him. All the things that had happened to him, things he had experienced since leaving school, all the things that he thought and felt and wished for. That, plus he couldn't help the way his stomach lurched when the thought about perhaps continuing what they had started last night.

"Kay" came the nonchalant reply.

Jiwon beamed. "Come by the office at five then, okay?"

The only reply was the blankets being pulled back over his head once again, signalling the end of the conversation.

As Jiwon left the flat, he couldn't quite disguise the pleased bounce in his step.

 

=======

 

"What kind of time do you call this?"

Jinhwan froze. With pouting lips he turned back to see Jiwon standing in the corridor behind him. He took a quick look at his watch. "Just after ten?"

"It's nearly eleven."

"Ah well, that kind of stuff is highly subjective."

"It's not subjective, it's the time. And you have an important meeting with marketing in less than ten minutes" Jiwon pointed out.

"Hence" Jinhwan said, holding up a finger, "hence the reason I am now here, ten minutes before it starts" He looked around. "But where's pretty boy?"

"I didn't ask him to come in today."

"He gets a day off but I don't?"

"He only works contracted hours; you work for a salary, as you well know."

"Well actually…" Jinhwan gave him a stare "…I wasn't expecting you to make it in this morning either. But it seems in the end I was the only one to wake up beside some gorgeous little thing, huh?" He threw up his hands with a theatrical sigh "what a shame."

"Stop fishing for gossip and get ready for the meeting" Jiwon tried to snap, but couldn't suppress a smug smile.

Jinhwan saw it and read it carefully. "Oh, I see" he said and grinned widely. "Was he good?" he asked cheekily.

"None of your damn business."

"Wow, you lucky, lucky boy"Jinhwan let out a burst of laughter and turned to dance away down the corridor like an imp. Jiwkn watched him go with amusement, Jinhwan's tardiness already forgotten.

 

=========

 

At five in the afternoon, as Jiwon had requested, Junhoe stepped uncertainly into the office foyer. He'd been back to the club to change his clothes after showering at Jiwon's place and was clean and fresh in his usual simple jeans and shirt.

He looked around the foyer. He'd been here several times but he never could shake the feeling of not really belonging among the marble and the smart business suits that everyone else wore. It wasn't his world. He was an impostor. Still, for some reason, the woman at the reception stood up and bowed deeply to him as if he were not another throw-away model but some kind of executive.

"Yukari-sshi" she called him. Hearing "-sshi" tagged onto his stage name seemed nothing short of ridiculous, still he turned towards her to listen. "Jiwon-sshi has requested that you go to his office."

"Oh, okay, thank you."

"Top floor" she reminded him as he stepped into the lift "the fourteenth."

He nodded and pushed the appropriate button and the lift began to ascend.

At the top of the building he stepped out into the familiar office administrative area that was laid out with six or seven staff at their workstations and desks. He immediately noticed the raised voices emanating from the closed door to Jiwon's office. Yuri, the secretary, stood up upon seeing him and gestured him over.

"A meeting has overrun and Jiwon-sshi is not yet free to make your appointment. Please feel free to wait here, I expect they will be finished within a quarter hour."

Nodding in understanding, Junhoe headed over to an empty seat near to the door and settled himself down, intending to take a nap. The voices from the room did not, however, abate, and unable to gather the required peace for a sleep, he found himself half-listening, catching odd words and scraps of phrases. It didn't take him long to hear his name and realised that the argument was somehow related to himself. He leaned forward and listened more intently.

"He has been remunerated for his time so what on earth is the issue here?"

"There is no issue" another voice snapped. "Going against the board is going to be nothing short of corporate suicide!"

"The best we can do is acknowledge a delay in the decision. But unless you change your stance, I don't see what good it will do."

"Don't throw away all your hard work over such a trifling issue as this! We still haven't even been given an explanation for your opinion!"

"Enough." Jiwon's voice cut through the barrage of chatter. "Acknowledge the delay. I will reconsider my position at your request. That's enough for today." He sounded tired.

Junhoe leant back and made himself as inconspicuous as possible while the stream of grumbling executives filed out of the room, not noticing him there. The last to emerge was Jinhwan who looked thoroughly unhappy. Junhoe considered calling him back, but at the risk of drawing the attention of the other hard-faced men, it didn't seem worth it. Instead he just waited. He saw Yuri put a discrete call through to the office, no doubt informing Jiwon of his arrival.

Almost at once, the young CEO appeared in the doorframe, looking down at him. He smiled broadly as if no argument had occurred and gestured for Junhoe to come inside. Junhoe obliged him.

"Is there… some problem?" he asked curiously as the door closed behind him. He noticed that Jiwon turned the lock with a click, and his heart thumped against his chest in response.

"Later" Jiwon said, coming closer to him and softly pulling him into a warm embrace, resting his head against Junhoe's shoulder tiredly "I'll tell you all about it later."

When he made no other move, Junhoe put his hands cautiously around Jiwon's body, returning the embrace, pressing his palms against the smooth material of his white shirt. They stayed immobile and silent for a while until Jiwon spoke quietly, turning his face into Junhoe's neck, his breath ticklish. "Listen, I don't really know how to go about this, so… I'm just going to say it."

Junhoe ran a hand down his back in encouragement and to indicate his attention. He felt Jiwon take a deep breath before continuing.

"Yesterday. What happened yesterday I've… I've been thinking about it all day."

'Me too,' Junhoe thought.

"It was kind of unfair for you to do that" Jiwon continued "to leave me in your debt like this."

'Debt?' Junhoe's eyes widened with concern "No I didn't mean…" But Jiwon hushed him with a soft breath on his ear.

"If you'll allow it" he said. "I want to… touch you like that… too."

Junhoe stiffened in astonishment. Feeling his reaction, Jiwon continued nervously. "It probably won't be very good. I mean, I've never done it before. Like, if you had a clit I might know what to do with it but still I'd… I'd like to try." He pulled back and met Junhoe eye to eye. "May I?"

"Uh…" Junhoe hadn't expected such a development quite so fast. He wondered what was the best way to proceed, but didn't seem to be able to make anything coherent out of his suddenly scrambled thoughts.

Jiwon didn't seem discouraged by his numbed reaction because he pushed Junhoe gently back towards the desk, leading him to sit down in the chair behind it.

'Jiwon's chair' Junhoe realised. It was a sensuous soft leather, high backed and comfortable. From this seat the entire company was run. Junhoe felt almost like he were sitting on a throne.

Leaning his hands on each of the armrests, Jiwon leant down and kissed him full on the lips, at first a little self-consciously but then, feeling Junhoe's encouraging responsive strokes, with more zeal. He tilted his head to allow them to join closer, one hand moving up to hold the back of Junhoe's neck, the other trailing gently down his chest, causing the man to shiver.

Feeling Junhoe's shudder of anticipation Jiwon felt another leap in his confidence. He unhooked the button of Junhoe's jeans and drew open the fly. Maintaining their kiss he reached inside, brushing against cotton underclothes and an already eager hardness. He took a curious hold of it. It kind of felt like his own. There didn't seem anything strange about touching it. There wasn't really anything odd about him touching Junhoe at all. He felt increasingly brave.

With motions reminiscence of Junhoe's previous endeavours, Jiwon settled himself on the floor before him and pulling back the waistband, brought Junhoe's waiting heat out into the air. Then he paused. This was it. Leaning forward nervously, he closed his eyes and licked it.

Junhoe took a small, sharp intake of breath. Liking the sound, Jiwon licked it again, and this time was rewarded with a low hum. The head felt pleasantly smooth, and the seeping bulbs of liquid were curiously tasteless. He lapped them up contentedly, and then turned his attention to the rest of the shaft.

Turning his head, almost pressing his cheek against Junhoe's hip he touched his tongue to the side. It was rougher and drier. Remembering that salvia was the forerunner of all pleasure, he coated the area with a few more licks but discovered to his dismay that it dried too quickly to be effective. Keen to wet it at least a little, he opened his mouth as if to bite the shaft, but closing his mouth around it earned a hiss and his first reprimand.

"Don't… touch it with your teeth."

It had been barely a brush of contact, but Jiwon immediately surrendered his grip, trying to recall what Junhoe had done yesterday. He began to wish he'd paid a little more attention to his technique rather than just the pleasure it had given him.

He felt a hand thread itself into his hair. "Put your teeth behind your lips" Junhoe told him quietly. He tried it but he felt a little stupid – like a toothless old man – however he found that doing so encouraged his saliva to run a little more readily, so he set about continuing by finally taking Junhoe's hardness into his mouth fully from the head. It felt oddly… pleasant. There was no taste to speak of, just soft skin moving under his lips. He noticed a little spit dribbling out from the sides of his mouth and had to override every instinct he had not to attempt to suck it back in in embarrassment. 

'Junhoe did it like this' he reminded himself.

Wondering what to try next he attempted to take Junhoe fully into his mouth, recalling the way the boy and some of his previous lovers had deep throated him, but despite his enthusiasm as soon as the tip touched the back of his throat the urge to gag made him draw back in wide-eyed alarm.

Junhoe's fingers curled soothingly in his hair. "Don't bother with that yet," he advised "use your hands instead."

Nodding slightly, Jiwon wrapped one hand around the base, the area he couldn't yet mouth, and reached down with the other to gently caress the soft sack of flesh underneath. Junhoe immediately reacted with a hiss and a moan.

Jiwon began to move his head up and down at a steady rhythm, squeezing with his lip-protected teeth although it soon became uncomfortable for him. He'd completely forgotten about his tongue, so Junhoe softly reminded him to use it. He tried to swirl it around the head but soon found he couldn't do that while still maintaining his momentum. Instead he let it press against the underside of the shaft as firmly as he could.

It seemed to be enough because Junhoe was soon lost in some kind of delirium, unable to give any more instructions. Jiwon felt fully victorious to have the delectable creature writhing so helplessly under his ministrations. He liked the idea of it so much that he paid no mind to the aches and pains he was quickly collecting through this unfamiliar round of exercise. His jaw, his neck, his tongue, his lips, his knees. Soon it seemed like every part of him was desperate to finish, but still he kept it up until finally the gentle hand in his hair turned into a firm fist and wrenched him suddenly away.

His eyes widened. 'But I was going to…'

He watched in regret as Junhoe clamped a tissue over himself and orgasmed into it with a violent shudder and a loud moan, eyes rolling back with the pleasure of his release. Despite his disappointment at not being allowed to taste the results of his labours, Jiwon still discovered that his own pants were tight at the godly sight of Junhoe's climax.

Junhoe collapsed back into the seat boneless as Jiwon got unsteadily back to his feet, easing out his cramps carefully.

"Was it… okay?" he asked hopefully.

Eyes opened and looked up at him blurredly. "More than okay. I can't believe it was your first time."

Jiwon laughed in embarrassed relief. "Well, that just means that you're a good teacher."

"Hmmm" Junhoe gazed up at him, huge swells of indecipherable emotion in his eyes.

Jiwon held out a hand. "Let's go for dinner" he said.

Junhoe took his hand shakily and Jiwon hauled him to his feet with a grin.

 

========

 

"So, what was that meeting about?" Junhoe asked curiously as he pushed the creamy carbonara around his plate distractedly.

The restaurant was Italian and expensive. Still somehow Junhoe had managed to order the cheapest thing on the menu and Jiwon wondered whether it was by design or actual preference. He sipped on his glass of wine thoughtfully. Junhoe only had water. He said it was because he needed to work soon and refused all offers of anything stronger.

Jiwon sighed. "Talking about business will ruin dinner" he said dismissing the query, instead leaning forwards and looking into his companion's eyes seriously. "Can I ask you a question first?" He really did want to know so much more about this boy.

'Is he hiding something?' Junhoe wondered in annoyance, but at Jiwon's intense stare he also sighed and temporarily let the issue slide. "What do you want to know?"

"How… how did you find out you were gay?"

Junhoe rolled his eyes. "I fell in love with a boy. How else?" He took a nonchalant mouthful of creamy spaghetti.

"Love?" Jiwon echoed in confusion. He'd never expected the word to fall from Junhoe's lips. He'd somehow seen lust as the pinnacle of his emotions.

"Yes, love. What, haven't you heard of it before?"

"Only in movies" Jiwon replied with surprising cynicism, shrugging dismissively. "But what happened?"

"Mostly I jerked myself off, what the hell do you think happened?"

Jiwon laughed. "I don't mean that. I mean, did he love you back?"

"No I…" Junhoe hesitated, the memories a little uncomfortable even now. "I never told him."

Jiwon seemed surprised by this, thinking of Junhoe's natural allure and sexual confidence. "Why not?"

"Because I was…" 

'Scared of being in love with a boy. Scared of being gay. Scared of being shunned, being hated. Scared of my own feelings. Scared of losing him.'

"…I don't know. I was just a confused kid, so I didn't know what to do."

"Really? How old were you?"

Another disheartened swirl of the fork picking up delicate strings of the pasta. "Can't remember. Maybe fifteen, maybe sixteen."

"Wow – we were friends back then right?"

"Hmm."

"But you never told me anything about it."

Junhoe shrugged and looked at his plate. Jiwon noticed the expression of discomfort in his usually so composed features.

'What I'm going through now, he went through it too. Back then. All this insecurity. All this fear. All this worry that you're losing your mind. That the world is going to hate you because of what you are. It's hard. Harder than I thought it could be. But I'm lucky enough to have someone who is knowledgeable and supportive right beside me.'

He thought briefly of Jinhwan and Hanbin. 'Three people, in fact. But Junhoe had no one. He went through all this alone.'

"Was it… painful?" he asked softly.

There was no reply. Just a tightening of lips as Junhoe's eyes remained glued to his bowl.

'So difficult for him? He seems so sure of himself now, he's come really far, but perhaps it wasn't always this way'

Jiwon thought back to their shared time at high school. 'No, of course it wasn't always this way. Back then… I know he really struggled with himself. If he had confided in me perhaps I could have helped him…'

Jiwon's thoughts came to an abrupt pause.

'…at that time? When I was sixteen, what was I like? If he had actually come out and told me he was gay, back then, what would I have done?'

The truth hit him like a kick in the teeth.

'I would have been afraid of him' he realised. 'I would have started to avoid him. I might even have hated him. Because like him, I was also just a confused kid.  
I don't think I would have been able to understand.'

He sighed heavily and took another sip of wine, deep in thoughts and memories and regrets.

"I've answered your question so are you going to tell me about that meeting yet? Or is there another excuse?" Junhoe asked resuming a little more of his usual composure now the thorny subject seemed to have been abandoned.

"Huh? Oh, yeah." Jiwon rested a chin on his hand thoughtfully. "It's not such a big deal really. The marketing department were really pleased with the pictures. So pleased, in fact, that when they presented their strategy to the board it turned out to be a bigger thing than I had expected."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I thought we'd just be using the shots for catalogue and in-store promotion, perhaps a few magazine-based ads, but turns out they want to stake quite a bit of budget on billboard advertising."

"Like the boards in the train stations?"

"Well yes, but also the boards you see on the side of buildings. The… big ones."

Junhoe blinked at him. "And you… don't like that idea?"

"Of course not. Do you really want your picture twenty by sixty in the middle of Seoul so everyone can recognise you?"

Junhoe raised an eyebrow at him.

Jiwon ran a hand through his hair in agitation. "Look" he said seriously, "I asked you to help me as a favour, and I'm really grateful that you did but… there's no way I can throw this on you. It's just a huge invasion of your privacy and it isn't fair. I don't think… I don't think it's in your interests at all. It will mess up your job and everything else. I just…"

"Okay I get that, but what is your position now?" Junhoe interrupted, recalling from what he had overheard that it was Jiwon who was putting himself into a troublesome situation.

"Well, since I am the majority shareholder, I can veto the board's decision to run the campaign but… doing so might allow the rest of the board to accuse me of unfair dealing."

"What's that?"

"Basically it means making decisions which benefit me personally rather than the company as a whole."

"So what would happen then?"

"They would have the right to take it to court. Theoretically they could force me to give up part of my share of the company, although honestly the case is far too weak for such a thing. However the bad reputation coming from an internal fight would probably sink the share value long before it got to that stage."

"You're telling me you could lose a lot of money."

Jiwon laughed tiredly. "I guess so."

"Over a small thing like this?"

"It's not a small thing!" Jiwon exclaimed. "You are not a small thing."

"You're being an idiot" Junhoe told him, suddenly annoyed. "You are the CEO, of course the interests of your business must come before yours or mine or anyone elses. Besides, you haven't even asked me what I think."

"You already refused me when I offered you a full time position so I know you want to protect your job at the club."

Junhoe glared at him. "Tell your board you will run the campaign. Don't you dare try and play martyr on my account. I'm not a kid and I'm not a fool; don't need you to protect me."

"But I'm the one who got you into this."

"Yes, and I'll get myself through it. I don't need your help." He stood up abruptly, leaving his food unfinished, tossing money onto the table, enough to cover his share of the expensive dinner. "I'm going to work" he said tersely.

"You don't have to pay" Jiwon protested in surprise, knowing full well that Junhoe probably didn't earn that much in a night, but Junhoe turned away angrily on his heel.

"Stop pissing me off" he said irritably. "I'm your employee, right? You said so yourself over that Matsumo thing. Maybe you need to remember that." Without further words, he stalked away, exiting the restaurant.

Jiwon watched him leave in unhappy distress. Employee?  The word sounded like a hole. Had he really said that to Junhoe? It seemed so awful now. Like a hard, snubbing insult.

'Perhaps' he realised 'it sounded this cold to Junhoe last week, and that's why he's repeating it now. A taste of my own medicine? I probably deserve it.'

He sighed. 'Employee, huh? And this morning I woke up thinking we were like lovers.'

He put his head in his hands, knowing that he'd made the number one critical mistake – he had hurt Junhoe's pride. The man might have changed a lot since high school but there were still parts of him that remained exactly the same.

'I guess I really am an idiot.'

 

==========

 

For once he was glad of the nature of his job. For once he was happy to vanish so fabulously behind a shimmering turquoise fringe and sea green eyes. For once he was happy to dance for them all.

Green silk. Green silk and blue streamers and tiny elegant sea shells painted on his bright cheeks. He fed upon their fantasies like a vampire, strengthening himself by weakening them, turning and arching and teasing them all like the venerable sea god that he was. And as if he were the pied piper they followed his every move and for once, for once he exalted in his own power.

And he loved it.

He loved it because every second that he did it was one more second in which he didn't have to think about Kim Jiwon.

A way to remember that 'Yukari' was strong, even though he now knew Junhoe was still so weak.

So he danced and he stretched and he crawled his way over to the pole like a slave on hands and knees, climbing up it hand over hand as if it was his only support in the world, giving it a long lick as if it were his lover, rubbing against it as if it were his whore. Hearing the catcalls and cheers as if they were his oxygen.

Pulling himself to his feet he wrapped one bare thigh around the pole and spun swiftly around it, bringing his head up in a flick of tousled hair, looking out over his captives with a sly smile.

He saw a pair of familiar eyes watching him from near the back of the room, cheerful as the man sat alone at a round table, cocktail in hand.

Unlike Jiwon, who had he been there would undoubtedly have sat back quiet and brooding and troubled, this man was easy to spot because he was waving enthusiastically.

Jinhwan.

Yukari let out a light laugh, meeting his eyes, and blew him a theatrical kiss which Jinhwsn mimed catching and then eating with much lewd gusto.

Rolling his eyes at the photographer's typical antics, Yukari continued his dance.

It wasn't until an hour or so later that he was permitted to escape the stage and descend to Jinhwan's side, appearing behind him silently, leaning on the back of his chair unnoticed and blowing into his ear to surprise him.

Jinhwan gave a very satisfactory start, and then a wide smile. "Well, just look at you. That much skin ought to be illegal." He winced. "I'm holding you responsible for stretching out my pants."

Yukari smiled slightly and took a seat in the chair beside him. As usual he wore only one pair of tight teal hot pants leaving the rest of his body entirely bare, every supple, streamlined inch of it. Streamers of green and blue settled over his skin, shifting slightly with each of his movements to reveal a little more or a little less as he wished.

"Damn." Jinhwan couldn't seem to tear his eyes away. "Seeing you looking so tight like that makes me feel so old and flabby. How old are you again?"

"Twenty five."

"Ugh, can you believe I'm already thirty two" Jinhwan sighed dejectedly. "And you say you went to school with Jiwon? It must be the biggest shame of my life to have a boss so much younger than me."

"I assume he's the reason you are here" Yukari accused softly.

"Well, yeah," Jinhwan pouted in thought, "this is going to sound a bit strange but… things have gone really weird at the company and I kind of need your help. I want you to tell that foolish man of yours to agree to this marketing strategy they've come up with. You see, they want to…"

"I already told him to."

Jinhwan looked up in surprise. "You know about it?"

"He explained it to me over dinner."

Jinhwan put his hands to his head in relief. "Oh thank god one of you has some sense. I'm telling you that man is pure genius in business but he's got a blind spot as big as a bus when it comes to you. Do you think he'll go through with it?"

"I don't know. He didn't say." Yukari shrugged and then leaned forward thoughtfully "Actually I'm glad you're here I wanted to ask you something too."

"Oh?" Jinhwan looked intrigued, "go ahead."

"This… modelling thing. If the campaign goes ahead, then I was wondering what kind of effect it would have on me. I mean, is it a good opportunity or…"

Jinhwan cut him off by raising a hand. "Okay hold it. I know what you're asking" he gave a grin. "Let me spell it out for you. This campaign, if it is even half as successful as we predict, would be a massive staple in your portfolio. There are models out there who've been working for years without anything like this kind of publicity. Considering your looks, your natural talent for playing to the camera, I think you could make yourself a very successful career out of this."

"Really?" Yukari straightened slightly. "What… what should I do next then?"

"Well, you can either accept a place in-house at Jiwon's, and believe me they are going to want to keep you, or you could get yourself an independent agent, which would probably work out better. Here…" he brought out a colourful business card and handed it over casually "…this guy has been my friend for years. We went to college together. His agency isn't too big, but I think it would be a nice spring-board for you for the first year or so. I already told him about you, and he said he'd write to you with all the info you'd need about how stuff works."

Yukari took the card gratefully, not really knowing what to say. He was genuinely touched by how much thought Jinhwan had given him. But there was something else that was still bothering him. "But I don't understand… if this is such a good opportunity for me then… why did Jiwon react so strongly against it?"

"Oh" Jinhwan pouted, "can't you guess?" he leant back in his seat and folded his fingers together academically, peering at Yukari over the top of his hands.

Yukari gave him an exasperated stare, and Jinhwan laughed. "Ok" he conceded to explain, "from what I understand, back when you two were school friends you fell in love with him but never told him, and eventually he walked out of your life and unknowingly left you heartbroken, am I right?"

Yukari flushed a little but gave no reply. Taking this as confirmation, Jinhwan continued happily, as if he were cracking some complex police case. "Well right now, you have the grand opportunity to do the same to him. You've got your chance to leave him behind and pay back all that hurt he put you through back then."

"But…" Yukari began to protest, but Jinhwan waved him off.

"Oh no, he doesn't know it yet. That's the true beauty of it. He's fallen in love with you and he has no idea. He's probably come up with all sorts of ridiculous justifications for how he is behaving, like, what did he tell you?"

"…that it was an invasion of my privacy."

Jinhwan nearly fell out of the chair with laughter. "Oh god, that's a good one" he wiped tears of mirth from his eyes. "But don't you see that it's instinct. Blind instinct telling him not to let you go. Something in his gut is telling him that he cannot live without you. The fact that he'd stake his entire business, we're talking countless millions, on it – only love makes you that freaking stupid."

Yukari stared back at him wide-eyed. Jinhwan shrugged and took a sip of his cocktail before continuing.

"He's in love with you" he repeated. "And if I'm reading this right, and I like to think that I am, I very much suspect that you're still in love with him too. Still," he sighed dramatically, "it totally sucks. I never did get you into bed. Life can be so unfair." He feigned tearful dejection.

Before Yukari could open his mouth to reply, the voice of Soma called out to him, causing his head snapped round in surprise. "You're back on five minutes" Soma jerked his thumb toward the stage. "Better finish up."

"Ah" Yukari turned back to Jinhwan who was sipping on the bright blue liquid thoughtfully, staring off into space. "Uhm…"

"Oh don't thank me" Jinhwan said without looking towards him, "just give me a good show. I wanna see you dancing like a real slut so I can store it in my memory and jerk off to it later."

Yukari blanked for a second but then laughed. "Sure your pants can handle it?" he taunted.

"Busting at the seams, baby."

Grinning, Yukari stood up to leave. "Thanks, Jinhwan" he muttered quietly.

"No problem… Junhoe."

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	12. Desire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost done. I'll post the last two chapters on Monday!

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It was a little after five when Jiwon made it home. He'd left work early, intending to take a shower and change into some casual clothes before heading over to Paradise Lost. He remembered how just last week he'd have thought nothing of going to the club in his work suit, but for some reason he no longer liked the idea. Now he wanted to blend in with the other patrons rather than marking himself as an outsider among them. He no longer saw himself as being so very different from them.

Still, he drew up short as he came to the front of the building, seeing that someone was outside the main doors waiting for him. A solitary figure dressed so unassumingly as always. A man who, despite his unobtrusive clothes, looked as elegant and poised as a prince. Jiwon felt his heart warm at the sight of him waiting there so patiently.

"Junhoe!" he greeted, coming near to him, taking in the sight of the full plastic shopping bag at his feet curiously.

Junhoe glanced briefly at him before bending to retrieve the bag and explaining "I'm making you dinner."

Jiwon blinked in surprise. "Oh, wow, really? How come?" He gestured them towards the door and swiped his resident's pass to allow them inside the building.

"Your kitchen is nice" Junhoe said, and left it at that.

Jiwon chuckled as they entered the lift. "I thought you were still mad at me" he confessed.

Junhoe rolled his eyes and didn't reply.

"I didn't know you could cook."

"Hmm."

"Maybe you can't and I'm about to spend the entire night awake with stomach cramps" Jiwon suggested provokingly.

Finally Junhoe fixed his eyes on him. "I hope not. I had something better planned."

Jiwon immediately flushed red and snapped his jaw shut. Junhoe looked away but not without a hint of smugness.

Reaching Jiwon's floor they entered the apartment together and Junhoe kicked off his shoes before heading directly over to the kitchen with his grocery bag.

"Aren't you working tonight?" Jiwon called from the door where he was still unlacing his business shoes.

"I took the night off" came the disembodied reply.

"Oh…" Jiwon looked concerned. "Is it okay for you to do that?"

"Well I don't plan to work there much longer so it's not a real problem" Junhoe half explained, distracted with unloading the food onto the counter top. Jiwon wandered curiously into the kitchen after him and took stock of the ingredients. A whole fresh fish, a block of tofu, minced pork, Chinese mushrooms, ginger, spring onions, oyster sauce and a variety of other basic condiments, including a small bag of rice.

"I have rice!" Jiwon exclaimed defensively, noting that Junhoe had even brought his own cooking oil and soy sauce.

"I didn't want to chance it" Junhoe replied, bringing the mushrooms to the sink to wash and soak. "It feels like no one lives in this house."

Jiwon sighed and rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. "I don't usually get home in time to eat" he explained. "I just get takeout delivered to the office. This house is only a place for me to sleep."

"You work too hard" Junhoe commented "and it's bad for your health to eat from restaurants all the time" he chided, running the fish under the tap to clean out the remnants of blood and innards before setting to work removing the scales the fishmonger had neglected to remove. "Got something to steam this in?"

"Ah, oh yeah uhm, let me see…" Jiwom began a randomised search of his kitchen cupboards prompting Junhoe to roll his eyes. "Ah here, something like this?" After a small scuffle with pots and pans Jiwon emerged from a cupboard holding out a large wok with a small internal stand.

Junhoe tossed his head towards the stove. "Set it down over there and then put some water in the kettle to boil."

Jiwon happily did as he was told, moving around his own kitchen as if on a voyage of new discovery, marvelling at how Junhoe made use of objects he hadn't even realised that he owned. "You used to cook for your grandpa, right?" he queried and he set the water on and awaited new instructions.

"Wash some rice. Two and a half cups" Junhoe instructed as he set about peeling the skin off the ginger root. "And yes, I did."

"Maybe you should become a chef" Jiwom suggested, struggling to open the vacuum packed rice bag, eventually causing it to burst and sending a sprinkling of rice grains into all corners of the kitchen. Junhoe gave him a disapproving look but ignored his comment.

"By the way," Jiwon continued curiously, as he set about collecting the loose grains "what did you mean about not working at the club any more?"

Junhoe cut the ginger into stripes and laid them out over the prepared fish. "Jinhwan put me in contact with a friend of his who runs a modelling agency downtown. I went to visit him at his office today. It looks like a good opportunity."

"Really? But you know I see a lot of models through the company and I thought modelling was a pretty tough job."

"Tougher than what I do now?" Junhoe bit back.

Jiwon hesitated, still crouched on the kitchen floor with a hand full of rice pellets. "Well…no, I guess not."

They fell into an awkward silence.

"Look" Junhoe began uncomfortably, keeping his eyes fixed firmly on the frying mince, "I'm already twenty five and even if Jinhwan reckons I'm young, the fact is that for the industry I'm not. I've danced at the club since I was eighteen, and in five years from now I'll be thirty. I can't just continue to rely on my body – it isn't going to be young forever."

"But… isn't modelling just the same?"

"Not if I can make more money from it. Thanks to you I already have a head start. Seems that most money is made in catalogues just like yours so I'll stick to stuff like that and try to save up so I can go back to school, at least get my diploma. Apparently there's already a company interested in hiring me. They're based in Beijing though so it shouldn't conflict with your campaign if it goes ahead."

"You'll go to Beijing?" Jiwon looked momentarily panicked.

"Just for a few days" Junhoe replied, waving a hand. "Don't worry. Actually I kind of need to ask a favour of you."

"A favour?" Jiwon leaned forward slightly, liking the idea of being helpful to Junhoe.

"Go set the table."

Jiwon's face fell plummeted. "That's not a real favour" he complained.

"Idiot. I mean, go and set the table, and I'll ask you about the favour later."

"Ooooh" Jiwon nodded in understanding, "okay." He collected chopsticks and small sauce bowls and went out into the living area to set them onto the dark wood dining table.

It was about thirty minutes later when Junhoe also came to the table and set out the completed meal. Jiwon's mouth watered at the blend of delicious smells. "I think this is the first time I've eaten at home like this" he said happily, seating himself alongside Junhoe and eying the dishes hungrily.

"Well go ahead" Junhoe gestured with his hand and Jiwon was more than happy to slide his chopsticks into the yielding flesh of the fish, breathing in the light scent of ginger and peanut contentedly.

"Wow" he said, after chewing momentarily on the morsel, "I could totally get used to this."

Junhoe smiled slightly, "I'm glad", helping himself to some of the food too and sparing Jiwon a look from the corner of his eyes. Jiwon was too busy piling his rice with delicious mushrooms to notice Junhoe's tentative glance.

"About… that thing" Junhoe began uncertainly, and Jiwon finally looked back up at him in interest. Junhoe took a deep breath before continuing. "Once I quit the club I might need a little time before I can get myself my own place to live…"

Jiwon's eyes immediately widened and he dropped his chopsticks to the table with a clatter. His hands leapt across the distance to seize Junhoe's, causing him to also drop his chopsticks in surprise.

"Please stay here with me" Jiwon said with earnest appeal.

Junhoe looked surprised for a moment, but then relaxed a little with the smallest of smiles. "Just until I find my feet" he clarified.

Jiwon nodded and beamed joyfully. "I'm so happy right now" he enthused. "And to think I was so worried that you were mad at me. Right now I just really want to…" he trailed off, his eyes flickering downwards towards Junhoe's lips but immediately snapped back up again as if embarrassed by his impulse.

Junhoe smiled slightly, understanding Jiwon's hesitation, and put two confident hands on either side of Jiwon's face. He leaned forward and kissed him softly, sweetly, like a lover. When he pulled back again, Jiwom was blinking at him in a red-faced daze.

"Eat first" Junhoe told him, letting go of his gentle touch and turning back to the dinner. "Then we can take a shower afterwards."

Jiwom stared at him a moment longer before also turning back to the food thoughtfully. Having Junhoe stay with him would definitely be a wonderful thing. He'd feel much more secure to know that he was a true part of Junhoe's life and he'd doubtless have so many more opportunities to learn more about his old friend as well as… well… himself.

He mulled over the conversation contentedly. And then a strange realisation suddenly struck him.

'We can take a shower…'

Wait a moment. 'Did Junhoe mean… together!?'

Jiwon immediately choked on his rice and Junhoe once again found himself smiling a little smugly to no one in particular.

 

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It was, when Jiwon really thought about it, perhaps the most erotic thing he'd ever done. His skin was absolutely alive with it. Sponge, soap, gentle hands trailed over him, sometimes softly, sometimes roughly, always fascinating him with the sense of touch. His whole body felt slippery, like a fish, and warmed by the continuing cascade of hot water, and sensitive to every tiny brush of contact.

It was not sexual, but it was primal. Like it went even deeper. Like instead of joining bodies they were joining souls.

Being naked before one another, tending to the simple needs of one another, all under the revealing lights of the bright white bathroom. No secrets. No hiding. Just raw and heartfelt companionship. A unity. A partnership. As if they belonged to each other.

He took care of Junhoe's body as if it were his own, and Junhoe in turn did the same for him. There was no casting of judgements. No praise for physical beauty or condescension for places of imperfection. Just acceptance. Just – this was the way it was. And it was, as it was, completely without inclination to improvement.

And the result of such a basic ritual as this was that they felt joined more tightly than any wild bedroom tryst ever could have induced them to.

As they dried each other with the thick white towels, Jiwon was overcome by such pleasant affection that he pulled Junhoe into his embrace, warm and clean skin on skin and from every place their bodies touched was a hundred satisfactions.

"You make me feel happy, Junhoe" he said aloud, slightly mystified as if he couldn't begin to fathom why. As if he were asking for an explanation to it.

'I never knew it was possible to feel like this. So content. So at ease. So much like home.'

Junhoe did not reply but stroked Jiwon's bare shoulders and back comfortingly. There really was something quite wonderful about being sexless and naked together.

Finally Junhoe pulled back and taking Jiwon's hand, tugged him gently towards the door. "There's a lot I want to show you" he said quietly.

Jiwon flushed a little at that but allowed Junhoe to lead him out of the bathroom, back into the flat where the cooler air of the living room raised shivers on their skin. As the warmth of the bathroom's heat left them, Jiwon felt his nakedness more keenly, more self-consciously. A little fluttering of shame made him try to close himself in again, but Junhoe's grip did not let him go.

The bed.

It seemed so dangerous suddenly. He hung back and Junhoe looked at him in concern. But even as his mind flooded him with doubts and apprehensions, his body was already preparing itself for what it was sure would give it gratification. It tensed and tightened and begged him to go ahead. And when Junhoe softly pulled him back into an embrace it wasn't the same feeling of contentment that covered him but a heat, a fire, an accidental brush of groins and a flush of desire. He couldn't hold it back. He was utterly betrayed by his weak flesh.

Junhoe gently guided him to sit on the bed and looked into his eyes, not without concern.

"Do you want to… stop?"

He did his best to disguise it, but Jiwon could not fail to miss that slightest edge of disappointment in Junhoe's words. And he hated himself for all his hesitancy.

"No, I just…"

He sat there on the bed with his body already heated and ready but still twisting his mind in moral agonies, feeling nothing less than absurd. He thought of Hanbin, with all his shyness, and he thought of Yukari dancing around the stage like a god of seduction, and he thought of this Junhoe who despite all appearances was the most patient and gentle lover he could possibly have asked to be here with.

How many men has he had? How much right has he to be impatient with me? Why hasn't he turned to chase someone more capable of pleasing him?

"I just…"

'Why is he suffering my hesitations and ineptitude with such patience?'

He took a breath "…I don't want to stop."

Junhoe lifted a hand to stroke his hair soothingly. One soft kiss to his lips, one to his shoulder, then Junhoe knelt down and delivered one to the tip of his hardness before taking him into his familiar warm mouth contentedly.

Jiwon closed his eyes and let out a sigh, knitting his fingers into Junhoe's still-damp hair, feeling the sensations of his heat and wet as something gentle, something welcoming. Junhoe wasn't moving with the same pin-point pleasure accuracy as last time, and didn't seem in any hurry to bring Jiwon to a peak. It was just soft and lovely and a testament to his skill.

One hand lifted to press against Jiwon's chest in suggestion, and Jiwon, after a moment, followed the advice and lowered his body back against the bedsheets so he was laying flat, just his lower legs curled over the side of the bed.

Junhoe had to raise himself up to maintain a good angle to touch him and, as he did so he pushed Jiwon's legs slightly further apart seemingly accidentally. But it was certainly not by accident when he then reached tentatively down, wiggling a finger between Jiwon's warm cheeks to brush against the tiny virginal hole there.

Jiwon immediately raised his head, his heat suddenly failing, discomfort at the turn of events evident on his face.

It wasn't right. He didn't like it.

Junhoe lifted his eyes to meet Jiwon's, and then pulled away to speak. "Did a girl ever touch you here?" he asked.

"N… n… no" Jiwon stammered, his face red.

"Will you let me try?"

"I don't… I mean… I…" Jiwon creased up his face unhappily. "Is it really necessary?" It was kind of like a whine and he didn't like that but he couldn't help it. "It feels… wrong" he tried to explain, almost wringing his hands. He didn't want to disappoint Junhoe but this… he really wasn't sure about this.

Junhoe gave him a reassuring smile. "It might feel a little odd at first, but it won't hurt and nothing embarrassing will happen. Let me try, and I think I can make you feel good. If you dislike it, I will stop."

"Err…" Jiwon was still reluctant but also perhaps just a little curious. Junhoe, he knew, was experienced with such things and a promise of something feeling good was not to be dismissed too readily. Besides, he reasoned, this was how it was done. Sex, that was. Sex between two men at any rate. It would happen sooner or later, he supposed. "…I've heard that it hurts" he suggested uncertainly in query, remembering Hanbin's words.

Junhoe's expression was half patient and half amused. "It hurts when it's an entire penis being pushed in there" he explained with a small smirk, lifting a hand and wiggling his index finger like a caterpillar, "but I'm just giving you this much."

"Oh…" Jiwon flushed a little. Junhoe's ploy of injuring Jiwon's pride worked surprisingly effective.

'If he usually does it all the way like that, I'd look silly for not accepting just one tiny finger.'

"uhm then I guess you can… try" he conceded.

Junhoe looked pleased but didn't go back to his task straight away. "I need to get something first" he explained, getting to his feet, prompting Jiwon to rise back up into a seated position in confusion. Junhoe turned and moved from the bed area back to the living room and, rummaging in the grocery bag that Jiwon had previously assumed was empty, returned with a container of water-based lube. It was brand new, and Junhoe had to fiddle with the cellophane wrapping to get it open.

How odd Jiwon thought critically to not be able to have sex without the use of products like that.

Junhoe pumped a little of the solution onto his fingers, rubbing it on his skin to warm it as he returned to his place between Jiwon's thighs. He looked up through his fringe expectantly and understanding his message Jiwon reluctantly leant back again to return to his previous horizontal position. He couldn't shake the feeling that he was lying on a doctor's table about to be embarrassingly examined. There was something so mechanical about this learning curve, there seemed to be so little emotion involved, and while he knew it was because Junhoe was taking it slow for him, he kind of regretted the surgical-ness he felt.

Warm lips stoked his arousal again, doing their best to ease the apprehensions gnawing at him as if he was waiting for a guillotine to fall on him. The first brush of smoothed fingers at his entrance made him flinch. It lingered and stroked him but felt only unpleasantly slimy. He was just about to ask Junhoe to stop when the finger pushed against him and slid a little way in. He jerked with the unpleasantness. It left like he needed to use the bathroom. His breath became ragged in his attempt at self-control. Realistically he wanted to fly far out of reach of the probe. Only the soothing wet tongue that nursed his hardness kept him in place.

He felt the finger moving a little, although he couldn't really tell from the sensations how deep or how swallow Junhoe had gone. He only seemed to have sensitivity to the touch right at the very exit of the ring. Inside, beyond that, he felt nothing.

Still the finger moved until Jiwon finally became aware that it was curling, seeking, twisting gently not to cause any aggravation to his ringed muscles. And all at once Jiwon knew that Junhoe had found what he was looking for because a cry was wrenched from his lips before he had to chance to deny it his consent. Another brush at that same place and he was arching his back and panicking.

"No, no, don't!" he gasped in horror, trashing his head from side to side to emphasis his distress, and gently Junhoe retracted his touch.

His breathing remained harsh and panicked as he lay feeling oddly empty now the finger had gone. Junhoe climbed onto the bed over him and leaned down to kiss him apologetically.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly.

Jiwon didn't have the breath to reply.

It was weird but now that the oh-so-wrong touch had gone he almost wanted it back again. He was more curious than ever to ride those weird sensations, sensing perhaps instinctively that if he could explore them without he knee-jerk panic reaction, he might find that pleasure Junhoe had spoken of.

So it was that he ended up feeling more confused than when Junhoe had begun.

Junhoe stroked the side of his face. "Let me finish you off" he offered. "I won't do that again if you don't want me to."

Jiwon opened his eyes to look up at him. "I want to… touch you too."

Junhoe blinked at the unexpected request, but nonetheless took it seriously. "Okay, how about like this?" He turned himself around to straddle Jiwon backwards, putting them into a position for a sixty-nine. "Is this okay?"

Jiwon didn't reply but reached up gratefully to take Junhoe's half-aroused shaft in his hands, licking it and feeling it harden in his grasp. He tried to pull it down to him but Junhoe kept his hips relatively high to prevent him from taking more than half into his mouth at a time. Still determined to make Junhoe feel good he set to work utilising all the strategies he'd picked up so far.

Junhoe hummed in pleasure and dipped his shoulders down to return to working Jiwon"s shaft at the same time.

It wasn't long before Jiwon's tentative fingers arrived cautiously at Junhoe's own small entrance, lingering there curiously as if asking for permission to explore. Junhoe gave an encouraging long lick from base to tip as answer, but quickly came to realise that Jiwon was still hesitating over what to do.

It took him a moment to puzzle the problem out. Stretching out his arm he reached for the bottle of lube nearby and he passed it back to Jiwon who accepted it thankfully, not pausing from his task of suckling on Junhoe's length.

Junhoe smiled a little to himself. Something small like a finger didn't really require anything more than a coat of saliva, but he didn't want to make Jiwon feel awkward about it so he waited for Jiwon to make use of the lubricant before feeling the finger wiggling into him.

To be honest he barely felt it at all but still he gave an encouraging hum. He was more than happy to allow Jiwon's space to experiment so he made no comment and didn't stop in his own efforts to stimulate Jiwon's shaft. He felt Jiwon curling the finger curiously, trying to mimic what Junhoe had done earlier.

'A little to the left' Junhoe thought silently, knowing his body well but unable to speak any instruction around the hardness that filled his mouth. There were a few continued minutes of awkward fumbling before Jiwon finally hit the mark and Junhoe's body jerked noticeably in reaction.

Pleased, Jiwon stroked the same spot again, and Junhoe genuinely moaned around the hardness in his mouth. Just the noise of Junhoe's pleasure made Jiwon himself gasp in a rush of arousal. He pushed more insistently, deeper with his finger, wanting to feel more of the sensation of Junhoe's surrender. It wasn't long before Junhoe was moaning almost continuously and trembling with the sensations Jiwon was inflicting on him, his skilled mouth slowing to stillness in the onslaught no longer to keep up his motions as he was besieged by his own body's pleasure. He began to push back against Jiwon's entry as if seeking more and more.

Jiwon smiled around Junhoe's hardness.

'This way he thought. I like it this way.'

Finally Junhoe broke away to throw his head back and with a loud cry orgasmed violently into Jiwon's wet, welcoming mouth; muscles clamping around his finger so tightly Jiwon feared it would go numb.

The spill of his seed hit the back of Jiwon's throat with some force. It tasted unpleasant and had such an unappealing texture that Jiwon couldn't hold back a gag, two gags, before he managed to swallow it down.

Junhoe didn't seem to mind or, indeed, notice. He remained on his hands and knees over Jiwon, trembling and gasping. Jiwon felt so warm, so satisfied by Junhoe's reaction that he almost completely forgot about his own body's desire for release. Just to know that he was giving pleasure to Junhoe, that he had some power over Junhoe who was himself so powerful, so masterful, was intoxicating.

However, Junhoe did not forget about him, and once the trembling had subsided, with Jiwon's finger still buried in his body he dipped his head back down and twisted his tongue accurately and expertly until, in a very short time, Jiwon was bursting forcefully into his mouth too, finger curling reflexively with the tension of release into something of a painful hooked grip that sent masochistic pleasure spasms through Junhoe even as he drunk every drop Jiwon gave up to him.

After that he fell alongside Jiwon shivering.

It was Jiwon who moved his body around to lay the same way and brought Junhoe into his arms protectively.

"I'm really glad you took the night off" Jiwon whispered to him contentedly, closing his eyes as a dreamless sleep tempted him sweetly.

Junhoe made no reply, only staring blindly forward lost in his own thoughts of astonishment.

He thought about all the men he had slept with in his time.

He wondered why had he never felt anything even half as good as this before.

He wonder how just one finger had taken him right to the brink of his control and very nearly thrown him fully over.

He looked up at Jiwon's peaceful face and realised that he'd never known just how disengaged his heart had been over the years since they had parted. He'd thought it had healed, but now he knew it had simply been numbed.

He squeezed his eyes closed at the powerful rush of emotions. Suddenly keen to be as close to Jiwon as possible he put his arms around him and held him tightly, waves of feelings rocking through him. How he'd dreamed of this. How he'd agonised over it during those torturous school years. This was all he'd ever wanted. And now it was here he was almost afraid it might all be a cruel but wonderful dream.

"I love you" he whispered aloud, voice trembling with the weight of such a confession. "I have always loved you."

He creased up his face as he waited on, hopeful that there would be a reply. As he expected, there was none. Jiwon was truly asleep.

 

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	13. Carnal Desire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost there. I hope everyone's ready

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Yuri set the papers down on the desk carefully, the pile teetering slightly left and right as she tried to straighten it out to stop it from falling.

"All of these?" Jiwon asked with a sigh, eyeing the huge pile unhappily. "Can't someone do them for me instead?"

"These are the ones that require your personal signature. I have already signed the rest on your behalf."

Jiwon blanked in unhappy surprise but, unable to think of any other way out of the situation, he resigned himself to his fate and picked up his pen. "Okay, okay, I'll do it."

Yuri left the room and he set about diligently putting down his name in each of the marked places. He'd gone through about ten sheets before he found himself staring dazedly at the picture of Yukari on the wall, lost in a daydream. He traced the ridges of his smooth chest with his eyes, reminding himself what it felt like to touch under the warm shower, massaging with soap and sponges. He imagined running a tongue over him, tasting the saltiness, loving their intimacy…

The shrill sound of an angry car horn down below on the street jerked him out of his fantasy and, blinking himself back into the current time he managed to complete a further seven signatures before his eyes strayed thoughtfully over to the computer on his desk.

He pursed his lips and resisted temptation valiantly.  
Six more pages and he could not resist any longer. He swivelled in his chair to reach for the keyboard and brought up the internet browser. He opened the search engine homepage and left his hands hovering over the keyboard for a moment in thought.

'Ok…' he psyched himself up and finally typed in a search phrase: How to have gay sex.

A number of related forum topics immediately came up. He considered them before choosing the first in the list – How to know if you're a top or bottom.

The information was too vague to be of much use to him. He skimmed it quickly. It spoke about experimenting to find out which position gave you the most pleasure and warned not to be close minded about experimentation.

It even spoke of masturbation as another useful way of determining preference.

He thought about it for a moment before getting up and locking the office door. Returning to his seat he tentatively undid his button and fly and wiggled his hand inside, although not to the front, but down the back. He had to lean forward a little to do it. Touching the entrance to his unassuming opening he stroked it curiously, trembling a little at his own daring. It felt dry and rough and wrinkled. He wriggle a little against it, but without any sort of lubrication couldn't make any headway. He found he could relax the outer muscles readily enough, but there was a second ring just inside which he couldn't pass. He pressed and wiggled his finger some more nonetheless and found he didn't dislike the sensation at all. It felt a little exciting and his groin stirred in response. He wished he could penetrate himself deeper in order to experiment. Perhaps he would have to wait until he got home. He recalled that Junhoe had left the lubricant in the bedside drawer this morning and thought of it now quite wistfully.

But there was nothing else to be done so he turned his eyes back to the computer to continue reading.  
He clicked the next link in the list. 'How to be a good top.'

He skimmed through it again. There were no firm details, just a vague idea of how to proceed. Advice on relaxing your partner, something about relaxing the sphincter muscles (Jiwon guessed this was probably the second ring of muscles his finger hadn't been able to by-pass), stroking the perineum (Jiwon didn't know what that was), oral sex and something called rimming.

Leaning forward and reading intensely he absorbed himself in learning more about the kind of things he could do to experiment with Junhoe. It kept him occupied right until lunch time when Yuri called into the office and exclaimed unhappily when he told her he'd completely forgotten about signing all the papers.

 

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For a week-night the club was pretty busy. Jiwon ran his fingers over the condensation that had collected on his beer glass as provided by the ever-effable Soma, and watched Yukari dance contentedly. He wasn't touched by jealousy because he finally understood that it was just as Jinhwan had told him. Yukari simply didn't care about them. Didn't care about any of them. The men who watched him, the fellow dancers he ground himself against, the one-night lovers he took. To them he showed a persona, an ideal, a deity; something that flashed into their lives for a fraction of a second before vanishing just as readily.

They saw him as he allowed himself to be captured at one tiny point in time. The next time they laid eyes on him, the costume would have changed, the vision would have changed, he would never be the same twice.

But Jiwon knew him as a spectrum. The full multitude of colours, from one end to the other. Something fluid and moving and growing. Something that was all those many rainbows all at once.

Not just 'Yukari ' and not just 'Junhoe' and not just the burlesque dancer he was tonight, nor the biker or the gothic fetishist he had been the nights before, but all those things and many more besides simultaneously.

And secure in the knowledge that he really was the only one who Junhoe allowed to see him in that way; Jiwon found he could watch him dance and see his skill, admire his talent and his pin-point perfect body without wishing to deny others the same. Secure enough to allow others to touch him, to lust after him, to rub against him, to kiss him and hold him and yes even fuck him.

Because they didn't know him. They would never know him. Junhoe would never let them see what only Jiwon was allowed to see. It was just that simple.

With a smile he took another swig of beer. He was just setting his glass down when a familiar voice beside him gave a soft greeting, "Hi."

Jiwon turned his head in immediate surprise. "Hanbin!"

He looked much the same as before, casual and easy and small in his baggy clothes. Although, perhaps a little more nervous than before. Still, he smiled softly.

"What a coincidence" he began, shifting a little from foot to foot, "I suppose this means you came to a conclusion?"

Jiwon tilted his head, not immediately understanding. Hanbin gestured with one hand in a sweeping indication of the club – "gay?" he clarified.

"Ooohh" Jiwon scratched his head meekly, "a bit of both, I suppose."

Hanbin nodded thoughtfully. "And… that guy from last time?"

"Oh uhm. I'm really sorry about that, it's just… ah…" he scratched his head again "…it's quite hard to explain."

"Your lover?"

"Erm…" Jiwon looked confused and gave Hanbin a helpless shrug "…not exactly. Kinda but, well… not officially."

"You're not monogamous?"

"You could say that" Jiwon replied with an uncertain nod.

"Then it's okay for me to chat with you, right?"

"Yes, of course" Jiwon smiled in relief at not having to answer any more complicated Junhoe-related questions, "I'm glad to see you again."

Hanbin slid onto the bar stool beside him. "It seems like you've come a long way since I saw you. I'm really glad things are working out for you."

"Yeah" Jiwon shrugged, "still a work in progress."

"He must be a good teacher" Hanbin commented with a wistful smile. "I'm a little envious."

Jiwon blinked. For the second time that week he found himself wondering – 'envious of which of us?'

Hanbin ordered a drink and swirled the rum and coke mixture Soma brought over thoughtfully. He opened his mouth as if to begin a new question but was cut short when two pale and slim arms unexpectedly reached around him and pulled him back into an affectionate embrace. He looked as startled as Jiwon felt.

"It's 'you'" the newly arrived Yukari whispered low and breathily into Hanbin's reddened ear.

Hanbin turned his head to take in the dancer's fierce false-green eyes apprehensively, feeling his costume's rough fabric and lace ticking the skin of his arms and neck. "Er…" he stammered, blushing.

Jiwon frowned. "Jun-Yukari. What are you…?"

"Shhh" Yukari smiled, still holding Hanbin softly from behind. "You are Hanbin, right? I owe you something of a debt."

"Debt?" Hanbin stammered as Yukari tilted his head to press his nose into the crook of Hanbin's neck, breathing deeply and closing his eyes as if savouring the scent.

"I took your slice of cake the other night" he explained, lifting one hand to brush fingers against Hanbin's lips. Just a feather teasing touch that caused Hanbin to shiver just a little bit. Yukari noticed it and smiled. "It was delicious too. So how about I make it up to you?"

"Uh… but…" Hanbin's eyes flashed towards the dumbfounded Jiwon uncertainly, his face slightly red "…isn't he your…?"

"Oh, don't worry, he's coming too" Yukari grinned and held out a hand to Jiwon who stared at it in confusion. "I'm back on stage at nine" Yukari clarified with an encouraging smile, "so let's get going."

Jiwon stared at the offered hand in astonishment. 

'What is he trying to tell me? Is this genuine or some kind of reverse psychology? Is he trying to trick me?'

"…a lot show you" Yukari said softly in reassurance in the face of Jiwonxs hesitation. The words were of course almost a repetition of what he'd said yesterday night.

Clueless, but nevertheless deciding to trust his so-called teacher, Jiwon took the offered hand hesitantly and slid off the barstool. Hanbin did the same, and they both followed his elegant figure down into the basement of the club. They moved silently through the cool and slightly damp-smelling corridors right to the door of Yukari's room, both feeling a little like lambs being led to the slaughter.

After the door had clicked closed and locked under Yukari's hand, he turned around to face them both. After casting his eyes over them thoughtfully he moved forwards towards Hanbin, steps almost in prowl, seizing him by the front of his t-shirt and pulling him into a soul-searing kiss. Jiwon watched curiously, seeing how Yukari's hands moved over Hanbin's back and neck and hair at first with long, definite strokes but soon more erratic and jerky movements seeming simulating a loss of control. Hanbin melted helplessly against his chest, utterly weak with the intensity of Yukari's ministrations. Not really knowing what he was meant to do, Jiwon simply stood aside and watched, surprised at how aroused at the sight of these two men kissing was causing him to become.

Soon Yukari's hands had descended and undone Hanbin's strained pants, freeing him from the cloth, taking his heat in hand and pumping it gently. Hanbin trembled and moaned into his mouth.

Smiling, Yukari drew back and took in the sight of Hanbin's flushed face with satisfaction. He moved around, not releasing Hanbin from the embrace, but circling him until he stood at his back, Hanbin leaning back against his chest. His eyes fixed expectantly on Jiwon.

"This one's for you" he told him.

Jiwon blinked at him. Yukari wanted him to… pleasure Hanbin? He hesitated, but then Hanbin cracked open his half-lidded eyes to look at him too, and Jiwon found himself moving forwards, his hand replacing Yukari's to cover Hanbin's arousal, his eyes locked with Yukari's now just inches away over Hanbin's slim shoulder. He moved his hand and with a hiss Hanbin tossed his head and closed his eyes again. Yukari smiled, leaning a little to kiss Jiwon's lips softly, Hanbin trapped between them.

"Suck it" he told Jiwon as he drew back.

Caught up in the raw sensuality of Yukari's voice, Jiwon did as asked, dropping to his knees and taking Hanbin into his mouth, bringing to mind once again all the things he'd learnt. Hanbin gasped ferociously and his fingers immediately fisted in Jiwon'a hair, informing him that he was doing it with at least some measure of success. He tried to let his saliva run as much as possible, feeling it dribbling onto his own chin in the process, though he didn't bother to wipe it away. Hanbin was quickly gasping and trembling helplessly, and Jiwon lifted his hands to grasp his waist to steady him.

He noticed Yukari moving, pushing Hanbin's trousers and briefs right down to his ankles so he stood exposed and vulnerable. Then Yukari too dropped down to his knees and, using two hands to part the warm cheeks of Hanbin's behind, blew warm air onto his small puckered hole.

"Oh no" Hanbin gasped in surprise and a little panic, apparently guessing what was about to happen, hands pulling at Jiwon's hair hard enough to hurt. "Oh no, oh no, oh… ahhh."

Jiwon drew back a moment in curiosity over what Yukari was doing, still supporting Hanbin by the waist. Looking around Hanbin's trembling thigh he realised that Yukari was sucking and licking directly at Hanbin's opening. He was astonished by it for a moment, but remembering what he'd read online that morning, understood what it was. Feeling a little pleased that he and Yukari were working on something like a joint project together, he returned to working Hanbin's shaft, determined to do his part in brining the boy to orgasm.

With the two of them pleasuring him from both sides together it didn't take long at all. Hanbin bucked suddenly, first trying to thrust into Jiwon's mouth, and the next moment pushing back against Yukari's softly penetrating tongue, groaning and gasping and yelping his astonishment until he burst powerfully into Jiwon's mouth with a strangled scream.

"Spit it out" Yukari warned Jiwon in a muffled voice over the noise of Hanbin's release, and Jiwon managed to close the back of his throat to the burst of liquid, drawing back and spitting it out into his hand with a gasp and a cough.

Hanbin sunk trembling to the floor between them and Jiwon finally felt the tilt of his own emotions.

His realisations went two ways.

First he understood that just as Yukari was free from attachment to the men he had, so was Jiwon. He could do this and it meant nothing. Nothing. Easy, uncomplicated sexual release. No feelings. No love. Barely even acquaintance. Just pure animalistic pleasure.

Totally unlike what he felt when he did such things to Junhoe. And that, of course, was his second realisation.

Unlike Hanbin, or Jinhwan, or anyone else who might flicker momentarily into their sexual radars, what Jiwon felt for Junhoe was different. Worlds different. What they shared didn't end with an orgasm. It went on from one day to the next like a small but pleasant warmth right in the middle of his chest. All that was left to do was hope with no end of anxiety that Junhoe felt the same way about him.

Somehow he guessed he did. Some part of him knew he did. But he didn't have any way to prove it to himself.

So the three of them rested together on the floor for a moment before Hanbin finally set about pulling his clothing back up.

Silently Yukari also rose to his feet and gestured them to follow him back through the underground maze of the basement and they went tiredly, both somewhat dazed by the intense experience they'd shared under Yukari's orchestration.

Upon reaching the main floor again, Hanbin muttered something about heading home. Jiwon nodded and lifted a hand in farewell. Yukari meanwhile leaned close to Hanbin to tell him something, drawing close to his ear under the pretext of making himself heard more clearly over the music.

"He's mine" he muttered so Jiwon wouldn't hear him, "remember that."

Jiwon watched the apple in his throat move with the inaudible words and saw Hanbin's eyebrows crease slightly before he nodded in understanding. Then, without further words, Hanbin lifted a hand in an echo of Jiwon's gesture and turned and disappeared in the direction of the exit without looking back again.

"What did you tell him?" Jiwon couldn't help but ask as he and Yukari walked back towards the bar together.

Yukari grimaced slightly. "Nothing important."

"Oh" Jiwon pursed his lips but didn't push the matter. "What you did to Hanbin… that was rimming right?"

Yukari arched an eyebrow. "Yeah."

"I want to try that with you" Jiwon declared abruptly, his eyes unusually determined.

Yukari looked up, surprised by his forwardness. For a man who had only just begun to come to terms with his twin sexuality, he was being remarkably adventurous.

"Okay" he agreed, "of course."

Smiling, Jiwon reached out and drew Yukari's elaborately costumed body into a tight embrace, bending down to speak sensuously into his ear "and… I want to make love to you too."

Yukari stiffened perceptibly, the slightest hint of a blush creeping unnoticed across his face at the sound of that taboo word - 'love.' Feeling his reaction, Jiwon drew back contentedly. "When will you quit your job here? I can't wait to spend more time with you."

"I hadn't really… er…"

"Tomorrow" Jiwon decided by himself. "Why don't you make tonight your last night? I'll come by tomorrow with the car so we can move all your stuff out and into my place. How about it?"

"Yukari!" Soma's voice barked over the noise of the other patrons, holding up five thick fingers in indication, "five minutes!"

"Oh, well uhm…" Yukari waved at Soma to show that he had heard before turning uncertain eyes back on Jiwon who still waited expectantly for his reply.

"If you're worried about Yejin," Jiwon continued in the face of Yukari's uncertainty, "I'll cover her expenses for this month if your Beijing contract doesn't work out. Consider it payment for all your… tuition. Okay?"

Yukari hesitated a moment longer before closing his eyes and taking a breath. He opened them again and met Jiwon's hopeful stare steadily.

"Okay." He smiled slightly. "Okay."

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	14. Venereal

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"What are you going to do with all these costumes?" Jiwon queried as he lugged the last of four boxes into the corner of the room and promptly collapsed to the floor. "You could open a theatre with all of these."

"I already sold a lot to the club and the other dancers" Junhoe replied from the doorway, kicking off his shoes, "is it going to cause a problem keeping these ones here?"

"No, no, of course not." Jiwon leaned back on the carpet, looking up at the ceiling. Junhoe hadn't brought too much with him, but carrying it all was a sobering reminder of how out of shape Jiwon felt now he spent his time behind a desk rather than on a basketball court or the gym.

"This is your home now too, so you can keep whatever you like." He rolled onto his side to look over at Junhoe who sat himself on the sofa a little tiredly. "Since tomorrow is Friday I think I will take a half day off work and we can go to the furniture store and get another wardrobe for you to use. And uhm…" he hesitated slightly, "…maybe, I don't know if you want to get your own… ah… uhm…"

Junhoe raised an eyebrow at him "…bed?" he guessed.

Jiwln nodded with an awkward smile. "I'm sorry it's a studio flat so there's not much privacy but I thought you might want to have your own area in case… you know…" he scratched his head "…in case you have guests."

A second eyebrow rose to match the first. "You mean men?" Junhoe queried blankly and Jiwon flushed slightly.

Junhoe resisted the urge to smile. "Well, what about when 'you' have… guests?"

The immediate blank look on Jiwon's face clearly showed that he hadn't even considered the scenario. "Well that's… unlikely to be an issue" he said.

Junhoe rolled his eyes.

'This guy has no concept of his own desirability. I'd be stupid to hope that that Hanbin is going to be the last of them sniffing around him.'

"Then, if it's all the same to you" Junhoe managed to reply with complete casualness, "I'd rather simply share."

"Oh" Jiwon couldn't quite disguise his look of relief. "Okay then."

Quiet settled over them and Junhoe was just beginning to contempt moving onto the floor to sit beside Jiwon when the door chime rang. Jiwon immediately pulled himself up off the floor with a grunt and went to pick up the handset on the wall.

"Delivery" a man from the concierge desk downstairs queried down the line.

"Ah, yes, thank you" Jiwon responded before replacing the handset and fishing in his back pocket for his wallet. "I ordered pizza to celebrate" he explained to Junhoe over his shoulder, "my treat, so don't start fighting with me over it."

"Mmkay" came the ambiguous reply.

Jiwon opened the door as the delivery man came into the corridor and Junhoe went over to help him receive the box. He accepted the huge platter in wide-eyed astonishment. "This much? But there's enough for five people" he murmured in confusion. "Are you expecting more people for dinner?"

"Oh, no just you and me" Jiwon replied, distracted with handing over the money to the delivery man "I just got a big one since I didn't know which were your favourites."

Junhoe stared through the lid of the box. "This is a lot..."

"Oh, do you like them?" Jiwon seemed obliviously pleased as he bade the delivery man farewell and closed the door, "lucky I picked a mix of everything."

Rolling his eyes and carrying the platter over to the dining table.

'I'd be happy just with just a pepperoni.'

He lifted his eyes to see Jiwon's cheerful face as he brought over a chilled bottle of soju from the kitchen, two small glasses in hand.

'Just being near you… is already enough.'

"Sit down, sit down" Jiwon insisted, pouring out soju for the both of them carefully.

"Let's eat!" Jiwon declared finally once preparation were complete and wasting no time, seized one slice and eat it. Junhoe slightly more tentatively did the same. 

He noticed that Jiwon was watching for his reaction curiously, chewing on his own piece of pizza. "Is it okay?" he asked.

Junhoe nodded. "Delicious" he said, leaning forwards to tenderly brush a rogue fleck of sauce from Jiwon's chin.

Jiwon immediately stiffened at the closeness and the contact, and Junhoe turned back to his pizza with a small smile. He cast his eyes over the dozens of morsels, pondering which to try next.

"Try this one" Jiwon suddenly suggested and Junhoe turned back to see a slice of pizza with chicken on it being offered to him. 

Junhoe considered the pizza for a moment. He didn't like chicken but for some reason, instead of rejecting Jiwon's offer he found himself parting his lips slightly, leaning forward and looking up to meet Jiwon's warm stare as he fed him the slice. He shut his eyes as his mouth closed carefully around it, feeling the tender brush of Jiwon's fingers against his lips as they released the morsel and drew out.

It was a simple but heart-warming moment of affection.

"Do you like it?" Jiwon asked softly as Junhoe began to chew.

The reply was a brief nod and an opening of clear eyes. Satisfied with that, Jiwon turned back to the meal contentedly. They ate mostly in an easy silence, generally just happy to be sharing their company, shoulders rubbing softly against each other as they leaned subconsciously closer together. The dining table was easily big enough for eight people, yet they crowded close together as if they were eating on a tiny park bench.

"Hey Junhoe" Jiwon began as he swallowed another piece, "can you tell me more about this top and bottom thing?"

"What about it?" Junhoe replied softly.

"Hanbin told me it was normal for guys to switch? Is that… true?"

"Hmm, yeah I guess."

"Do you switch or do you prefer one or the other?"

"Depends on who I'm with."

Jiwon leaned forwards curiously. "Like how?"

Junhoe sighed a little and set his food down. "Consider Hanbin, he's actually pretty inflexible since he clearly prefers to be bottom so if I were with him I'd naturally take top. Someone like Jinhwan is a lot more open to movement so it could go either way."

"And… me?"

Junhoe turned his eyes on Jiwon blankly, and Jiwon resisted the urge to blush and look away.

"Wait and see" Junhoe suggested as casually as he could manage, watching for Jiwon's reaction with well-hidden attentiveness.

Jiwon blanked for only a moment before managing to crack a small grin.

They watched each other for a moment longer before both turning almost simultaneously back to the food in a simmering silence.

Finally, after they'd impressively managed to finish almost half of the pizza, Jiwon noticed that Junhoe had stopped eating and, after two or three more bites, cleaned his hands with a tissue and stopped eating as well.

"I'm stuffed" he declared, leaning back in his chair and stretching his arms in satisfaction.

Wordlessly, Junhoe set about gathering up the remaining food and taking it into the kitchen to cover and put in the fridge. Jiwon followed him with the the other utensils they use to wash. As Junhoe began to run water into the sink to wash up, Jiwon stopped him by laying a hand over his.

"Leave it for later" he suggested, turning Junhoe around to bring them nose to nose.

Junhoe looked back into his eyes, feeling himself curiously warming as he was trapped between Jiwon's warm body and the hard edge of the sink at his back. His heart fluttered lightly like a teenage caught up in a crush.

So far Jiwon's sexual uncertainty and lack of experience with men had kept him in an uncharacteristic position of passivity, but somehow Junhoe already knew that tonight was going to be a little different. The thought made him shiver in anticipation.

"Shower" Jiwon suggested with a smile, taking a gentle hold of Junhoe's hand and pulling him softly in the direction of the bathroom.

"Okay…" Junhoe agreed quietly, allowing himself to be led across the living room.

 

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Inside the bathroom he stood patiently as Jiwon began to undress him, hands moving grasping the hem of his t-shirt and tugging it gently over his head causing his hair to lift and then fall again in a flop. However, instead of continuing to undress him, Jiwon paused to run hands over his shoulders, holding him soothingly before leaning forwards to kiss him softly.

For the first time, there was no hint of hesitancy. For the first time Junhoe knew he was kissing Kim Jiwon, and that Kim Jiwon was kissing 'him.' For the first time he had the chance to know him, to feel him entirely for what he was.

Gentle and strong. Everything a man ought to be. Junhoe couldn't help closing his eyes, willingly allowing himself to get totally caught up in Jiwon's care; his taste, his scent, his everything. Even the soft embrace of his arms made Junhoe feel somehow artlessly small, fantastically precious if only for a few moments. Tiny and cherished and like he was the centre of the world.

There was no roughness or force or self-consciousness in Jiwon's dominance, unlike so many of the men Junhoe had surrendered to before. It wasn't a persona or a fantasy being acted out; it was frighteningly real and innocently loving.

Uncertainly he reached out and fiddled with the buttons of Jiwon's shirt, wanting to bring them closer, wanting to feel warmer. Already he felt like some void in his soul was sliding back into place. And he knew that even though he played the role of the more experienced partner, this was something he had never encountered before. The play of the body he knew well enough, but the yearnings of the heart were still as mysterious to him as they were to Jiwon. It frightened him but at the same time made him feel more intensely than he had ever thought he was capable of feeling. The pleasure granted by just the slightest of brushes was bright and sharp.

Yet as he felt himself undressed and steered softly into the shower he remembered not to act in selfishness and tried to rouse himself into giving back as much as he was taking from Jiwon. Not to simply allow himself to be showered with attention but to provide that flickering resistance, that power-push that would tip the scales slightly back towards neutrality. So instead of giving way as the falling victim he began his skilled reassertion of equilibrium, challenging Jiwon's control in order to bring a more pleasurable sensation to his partner, the shifting and tilting that promised and bequeathed and then withdrew like a lure.

So as Jiwon pushed him against the cool tiles, fiddling with the shower taps with one hand, Junhoe began to tease him mercilessly, running hands and lips and even the curling toes of his foot over whatever skin he could reach, sure to press their two aroused shafts against each other with occasional tiny suggestive rubs causing Jiwon to hiss into the kiss.

It wasn't the same sexless ritual as last time but just a brief dash en route to elsewhere, as although they had both enjoyed their gentle shower before, neither of their bodies was prepared to exercise enough patience to work such magic now. Soap and sponges moved accurate and speedily over them, working into all cracks and crevices meticulously even though their hungry lips barely broke apart for the duration.

Once they were both clean, Junhoe tried to moved away in order to bring them both out of the shower and into the soft dry towels, but Jiwon did not switch off the water and did not seem prepared to let him move.

Junhoe opened his eyes in question only to have Jiwon grasp his hips tightly and spin him round so his face was pressed against the water-warmed white tiles instead of his back. A finger immediately arrived at the back of his entrance between his cheeks, tickling him suggestively and causing him to squeeze his eyes closed tight. Jiwon's weight held him in place against the wall.

He waited apprehensively, wondering what Jiwon intended and whether they would make love for the first time here like this. He noticed his hands were trembling and so he pressed them against the wall in an effort to disguise it. Just imagining what might happen was causing his body to slip beyond his control. It felt hot and dizzy and hopelessly aroused.

Memories of long weekends spent together assailed him; running a ball back and forth across a half court, sweat causing shirts to cling to bodies like a second skin, watching the apple in Jiwon's throat move as he took leisurely gulps of water or Poccari, and Junhoe had watched him. And watched him. And felt his heart hammer in futility as he took in the sight of his perfect body, sweat drenched and strong and utterly glorious and so far, far beyond his reach.

All the torment of wanting him, needing him, loving him helplessly in silence seemed to overtake him now, raising his body temperature in leaps even as the water continued to cascade over his tingling skin, waiting for his touch, knowing that the man behind him was the only one, the only one in the whole world who really mattered. Knowing that he'd give him anything.

He felt Jiwon moving and began to tremble. He felt his cheeks parted by two large hands, felt the soft blow of air and knew he couldn't hold back. The edge was already rushing upon him with astonishing speed.

A rough tongue lapped at him and he couldn't hold back a groan, arching his back wantonly to allow easier access to his most private place, wanting to feel Jiwon's questing possession of him more and more. Instinctive soft circles were traced around him and he scrapped his nails on the tiles under his fingers shuddering.

He'd experienced this kind of sexual act before, but whenever his mind focused on the fact that it was really Kim Jiwon, and not any of the many nameless and faceless that haunted his past experiences, the pleasure wave immediately intensified tenfold.

His body moved without his consent, pushing back or grinding forward to beg relief by rubbing against smooth tiles, all the while making hisses and gasps and moans of which, had his mind and body not already surrendered control so absolutely, he would have felt ashamed.

Finally Jiwon's hand slipped up between his legs to take a hold of his twitching heat and one leisurely pump was all it took. Throwing his head back with a faltering scream, Junhoe shot everything he had violently straight onto the slippery tiles of the shower, feeling his knees turning weak underneath him.

Jiwon caught him as he slid down to the floor, saying his name in concern but Junhoe's ears were ringing too loudly to hear and he was panting too heavily to respond.

For a long while they remained holding each other under the ever-pouring cascade of the shower.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I didn't disappoint you guys! I'm going to post the last two chapters around 8pm PHT


	15. The Reality

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Jiwon dried Junhoe's body tenderly, moving the soft towel over him carefully, paying careful attention to each inch of his clean and perfect form, letting his fingers slide across skin like silk.

"Junhoe…" he began, wondering aloud, keeping his eyes dipped even while Junhoe lifted his own dazedly, "…do I mean… anything… to you?"

Junhoe's eyebrows furrowed and he tensed perceptibly under Jiwon's hands but did not reply. After a moment, Jiwon continued, trying to explain himself, still not lifting his eyes "…I mean, you've been with a lot of guys, right?"

Junhoe blinked in unhappy comprehension. He realised that he'd allowed himself to be pushed into a very dangerous corner. He faltered, momentarily at a loss over how to reply, and Jiwon saw his hesitation and frowned in unmistakeable disappointment. Junhoe felt himself panic.

"No…" he managed to stammer, uncharacteristically shaken, "…no. You're different. You are…" he hesitated, utterly tongue-tied. He'd never been any good at the emotional emanations of eloquence.

Jiwon peered curiously at him. "It's just… none of the woman I've been with ever made me feel… like this" he explained weakly.

"Like what?" Junhoe'a voice sounded dry and hoarse. The towel paused at his waist, no longer moving across him as Jiwon become distracted with putting his thoughts into words.

"Like…" Jiwon ran his fingers in puzzlement over his own forearms as if testing the reality of his own skin "…like there's a bird in my chest, trying to get out." He frowned slightly. "Like, if I couldn't see you even for a day, I would go mad." His eyes lifted uncertainly. "Is that really crazy?"

Junhoe shook his head mutely and Jiwon sighed. "I thought maybe it's because you're the first man I've been with or… maybe because we were friends before or…" he hesitated and frowned, "…I don't know." He sighed again and leant forward to touch their foreheads together, closing his eyes. "My heart's beating fast" he admitted quietly.

Junhoe blinked at him. "Yeah…" he nodded slightly, also with a sigh, drawing Jiwon closer into an embrace "…mine too."

They stayed together quietly for a few moments before Jiwon pulled away and took Junhoe by the hand. Drawing him gently they left the bathroom side by side and made their way to the bedside where Jiwon's hands immediately found their way softly into Junhoe's damp hair, massaging his scalp soothingly, leaning close to kiss him tenderly. His own contentment threatened to choke him, it felt like every cell in his body were lifting outwards, filling with light-headed bubbling ease. To share heat, to share desires, so elegantly and so simply, felt intoxicatingly good. Even if there were complications or mismatches in their respective emotional depths, for the moment he was content to simply pretend otherwise.

He nudged Junhoe over to the bed, bringing him to sit down on it, not breaking their kiss as Jiwon followed him, stroking his tongue with his own in strong, hot waves. Junhoe's responses were a medley of encouraging hums and strokes and reflexive arching to bring them closer together. Again, as earlier, he neither spoke nor contested Jiwon's position with any true intent except just enough to stir Jiwon's competitive spirit. For the most part he leant back patiently and closed his eyes, giving Jiwon as much freedom to explore as he wanted.

Jiwon knew full well that his partner was more than capable of turning the tables fully around and switching their roles effortlessly. He was hopelessly grateful that Junhoe was willing to allow him the chance to take the reigns of this encounter. Determined not to disappoint, he did everything he could to justify himself.

He kissed him more deeply, letting his weight fall over Junhoe's slightly slimmer body like a drape, pinning him down pleasantly, feeling him softly tremble. Already naked following their shower there was nothing to act as a barrier to their skin, rougher or smoother depending on where they touched, but smoothest beyond a doubt between their legs where Jiwon's attention was constantly drawn in astonishment at the blossoming of his feelings. The dry showered skin of their thighs and midriffs both soon softly streaked with thin lines of translucent want, like the delicate tickle of spider webs.

It seemed more miraculous than ever that Junhoe should be here with him like this; that of all the people who he could have partnered with, it was Jiwon who he'd chosen to pull along with him on this race to delirium. And Jiwon was astonished at how their bodies should react in the same ways; that they were linked somehow by what they shared rather than by gendered differences. They fitted together as perfectly as any man and woman had done before them.

Jiwon trailed kisses over him gratuitously. Yes – this was skin. Yes – this was a fluttering heartbeat, a rapid pulse, shortened drawing breaths and soft moans just the same as any other person in the world would feel. The border between what was a man and what was a woman seemed to him at that moment to become fantastically blurred, perfectly fluid, and it would only become more so as he continued.

As he brought Junhoe's seeping shaft into his mouth he wondered what the difference really was. As one was born with black hair or brown or blonde or curly or straight, did it matter? As eyes were brown or blue or green or black, was it something that anyone would say ought to dictate the course of a life? Would one condemn a person who preferred hair or eyes one way or the other? Did anyone have a right to say that two people couldn't be together based on the chance twists of chemicals? The chance selection of chromosomes – what did it mean?

Nothing.

Nothing.

If he could be called a woman I'd make love to him just like this.

Though they wish to call him a man I'll still love him in exactly the same way.

They're just labels with no sense, no meaning, no right to decide on my behalf.

To me he is Koo Junhoe and nothing else really matters.  
Man or woman. Both. Neither.

It really is so much simpler than I ever realised.

After reaching for the bottle of lubricant beside the bed he pressed two prepared fingers gently into Junhoe's body and felt him gasp and twist and writhe, and Jiwon smiled to know that he had him like this.

'I'm just so grateful' he realised, flexing his fingers experimentally so that with a gasp and rush of pleasure Junhoe lifted his hips right off the bed, to have had this chance.

Reaching aside he slipped a condom over himself and then lifted Junhoe from the knees, looping his long legs casually over his shoulders, using a hand to guide himself to the right place. He paused and closed his eyes.

The chance to unlearn all those lies…

The pleasure was blinding. So much tighter than he had expected. Junhoe's shuddering cry as he was penetrated set Jiwon quivering violently. He had to stop, frozen, gasping and sightless, leaning over Junhoe and feeling the throbbing pulse beating around him fiercely. So alive. So, so alive.

…all those lies this false world told me about love.

He almost wanted to pull out again; he almost couldn't bear the maddening rawness of it. He felt like he'd buried his hands right into Junhoe's hot, thumping heart and that it was filling him up with fiercely and beating right through his body, pounding in his ears. The regular thud of the life-beat.

Muscles surrounded him, cocooning him, rippling and pulsing and squeezing at him, pulling him inwards, running in a tight ring of throbbing pressure from tip to base, driving him assiduously mad.

Already, already, he couldn't take it any more. This close, this much, this joined. This was it. Surely, surely, there was nothing more than this in the entire world.

He squeezed his eyes closed in a desperate bid to hang on to his own reason. "Oh god…" he heard himself gasp in panic, feeling the sensations flinging themselves up and down his spine like a tide, "…Junhoe I… can't… I…"

Two bracing hands settled onto his shoulders and he gratefully set all his attention on them, counting the fingers with his skin, measuring the pressure of his comforting grip, clinging to them mentally as madness receded, even as Junhoe was clinging back.

In the wake of blindness came other urges, primal and fundamental, gripping him and causing him to instinctively draw back and thrust in again in one powerful motion. Junhoe threw his head back with another heart-rending cry. Drunk with it, Jiwon did it again and again, each time as delicious as the first, each time pushing him with exponential bounds further and further along the rail to euphoria. Each time he pushed in he felt himself slam furiously against the delicate structures of Junhoe's body, impacting against perineum, prostrate and scrotum simultaneously resulting in Junhoe's helpless moans, eyes closed, head tossing against sheets.

Jiwon had no defence against his own body's compulsions and he felt himself once again barbaric, once again just an animal, entirely without skill, without culture, lost to his madness. He thrust hard and long until soon he felt muscles clamper even harder, almost angrily around him although the rest of Junhoe's body became oddly boneless in contrast. Jiwon's heart was in his throat as he heard Junhoe call the name he used before, and then there was nothing but the sensation. A roll of tension moved through him, rolling towards his groin, lifting him as if on wings, and for a second he felt like he could control it, but the next moment he'd lost contact with everything and the orgasm ripped through him in a flush of pinpoint blinding weightlessness. He was almost sure he chanted Junhoe's name too as he lost all control of himself, everything focusing on that one tiny point of outburst as he threw himself desperately into Junhoe as if determined that they should fuse.

Too quickly the bright hot pleasure chimed into the distance like a slowly fading echo and Jiwon fell forwards onto his forearms, trembling.

They remained silent and gasping and still.

Eventually, aware of the throb of Junhoe's body that still engulfed him, Jiwon drew back and out, suddenly oddly alone, oddly disconnected, and dropped tiredly by his side.

Junhoe's soft hands trailed over him comfortingly, touching his hair, his neck, his arms, even moving down to carefully squeeze and remove the now dangling mess of a condom and then wiping away the residues with a tissue.

Junhoe then left the bed to wash himself off quickly in the bathroom, removing unpleasant and slimy traces of lube as well as the spill of his own orgasm splattered over his stomach.

Returning to the bed, he found Jiwon not asleep, but looking up at him tiredly.

"I heard" he muttered groggily, as Junhoe returned to his place beside him.

"Heard what?"

"When you came, you called me Bobby" Junhoe said, "just like you used to at school."

"Oh" Junhoe brushed it off easily, sliding the covers over them.

"I've… missed that."

Junhoe made no reply, wrapping arms around Jiwon's body and snuggling close to him contentedly. There was silence for a little longer before Jiwon spoke again.

"Junhoe?"

Junhoe's eyes fluttered open again, although not with a small grumble of complaint. Jiwon was still staring up at the ceiling confusedly.

"Junhoe I… I think I might be in love with you" he said.

Junhoe froze. Blank-faced astonishment. Quite possibly the last thing he'd expected to hear.

Jiwon rolled over to face him, face equal parts seriousness and equal parts confusion. "I know that having only one partner is not your lifestyle and I understand that. I don't expect a steady relationship or anything I just… I just want you to know." He sighed heavily. "I don't think there's a single person in the world who means as much to me as you do. And I think that if I didn't tell you that now… I might regret it someday."

Junhoe could only stare back at him in wide-eyed astonishment. Jiwon chewed his lip nervously.

"Do you… do you understand how I feel?" he queried uncertainly into Junhoe's stunned silence. Still no reply, and Jiwon's face seemed to plead for understanding. "You've been in love before, right?" he asked desperately, "That boy you fell in love with back at school. Don't you ever regret not telling him that you loved him?"

Junhoe swallowed uncomfortably, and Jiwon's frown deepened anxiously as he waited for a reply.

After an awkward moment, Junhoe pulled back and rolled away onto his other side, facing away from Jiwon. Feeling like he'd been punched in the gut, Jiwon opened his mouth to say something, anything, desperate to resolve the situation, but fell into silence when he heard Junhoe speak.

"Since then" Junhoe admitted in a quiet voice, looking determinedly at the white wall before him in an effort to ignore Jiwon so close behind him, "every man I ever slept with was just a distraction. Just a way of trying to fool myself into thinking I didn't love you anymore."

Jiwon's eyed widened. "What… what do you mean?"

Junhoe sighed quietly, twisting his hands uncomfortably around and around each other, "…I didn't want to tell you, because I didn't want to confuse you. I wanted you to find your own way for yourself; I didn't want you to confuse your feelings with mine."

"I don't understand…"

Junhoe sighed heavily. "I love you, too" he explained in a soft whisper.

Jiwon's eyes widened, utterly bemused. "But…"

Junhoe rolled back to face him again. "Is it so hard to believe?" he queried. "I love you. I've always loved you."

Jiwon looked hopelessly astonished, but as Junhoe watched, understanding seemed to creep slowly over him and a small smile appeared on his handsome face.

"You mean, it was me?" he queried, suddenly amused. "Back then… you fell in love with me?"

Junhoe rolled his eyes. "Of course. Who else?"

"Well I don't know…" Jiwon pretended to think deeply, "…I was kind of thinking… Donghyuk?"

Junhoe punched him on the arm and Jiwon burst into relieved laughter, happily pulling Junhoe into a tight hug, almost suffocating him. Junhoe struggled against his grip in futility. After a while, Jiwon's amusement subsided and a re-established contentment fell over the two of them.

"Junhoe…" he began again with now familiar thoughtfulness, prompting Junhoe to roll his eyes from where he was still squeezed tightly against Jiwon's chest, anticipating another question. But instead Jiwon simply said "…I'm really sorry."

"What for?" was the muffled reply.

Jiwon released his grip on Junhoe's body slightly. "For keeping you waiting so long."

Junhoe snorted softly. "It couldn't be helped" he said, "You were just a confused straight boy."

Jiwon grinned and kissed the top of his head softly. "You know, the first time I went to the club, Soma told me that Yukari could turn me gay."

Junhoe lifted his eyes. "And did he?"

"No…" Jiwon smiled wistfully at the ceiling, "…he just showed me what I never understood before."

"What's that?"

"That there's no such thing."

"Yeah…" Junhoe agreed, closing his eyes drowsily where he lay safe in Jiwon's warm embrace, "…there's no such thing."  
.  
.  
.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this is not confusing. Also, no hard smut! You have to remember that this is Jiwon's first with a man... so no hardcore sex for them. Let me leave this quote too:
> 
>  
> 
> "We are not heterosexual, homosexual, nor nonsexual. We are simply sexual."
> 
> ~Amy Birdsong


	16. Epilogue

.  
.  
.  
.

Jiwon fidgeted with the straps on Junhoe's bags restlessly. "Maybe I should go with you" he said for about the tenth time that morning.

Jinhwan let out an exclamation of disgust and even Junhoe rolled his eyes.

"I'll be fine" Junhoe repeated, batting Jiwon's hand away from the case.

"Are you sure you have enough Chinese yen?"

"It's yuan, not yen" Jinhwan grimaced, "Seriously it's you I'm more worried about than him."

"What if something goes wrong?" Jiwon persisted, "I really don't think you should be travelling alone like this…"

"Yukari has plenty of street-smart. It's only you who is some kind of bumbling corporate idiot" Jinhwan commented scathingly. Junhoe could only shrug hopelessly.

An announcer's female voice suddenly rang out through the airport "Flight JA288 to Beijing will soon be ready for boarding. All passengers please proceed promptly through security."

Jiwon paled rapidly. "Are you sure you'll be okay?" he queried yet again, hands apparently unable to keep from reaching out, from taking Junhoe's shoulder, "You don't have to go if you don't want to, you know, you could…"

Junhoe smiled softly and leant across the suitcase to kiss him gently on the lips. "There's some leftovers in the fridge" he said, "I'll be back in six days."

Beside Jiwon, Jinhwan puckered his lips in expectation of a kiss and feigned disappointment when Junhoe ignored him.

"Goddamnit" Jinhwan grumbled mostly to himself, "why the hell didn't I sleep with you when I had the chance?"

"I don't know how I'm going to survive without you" Jiwon mumbled unhappily. They'd been living together for two weeks now, and in that time had only become closer and closer such that Jiwon was now convinced that his very ability to breathe depended on waking up to Junhoe's sleepy (albeit irritable) face every morning.

"You'll be busy with the campaign" Junhoe reminded him, "it launches tomorrow, right?"

"Ah, yes" Jinhwan seized upon this fragment of information excitedly, "by the time you get back every person in Korea is going to recognise your face!"

Junhoe smiled half-heartedly but didn't seem able to tear his eyes away from Jiwon who, truth be told, reminded him of some kind of over-grown abandoned puppy. With a sigh he leaned forward and kissed him again, longer, deeper, more reassuring; promising that he was going to miss Jiwon every bit as much as Jiwon was going to miss him.

Jinhwan exclaimed in outrage that Jiwon got two kisses while he had none, but was once again ignored.

"I'll pick you up next week" Jiwon managed to call out dejectedly as Junhoe finally turned away with a wave and headed in through the security gates.

"Fuck lots of hot Chinese boys for me!" Jinhwan added loudly, waving enthusiastically, causing several people nearby to look disapprovingly in his direction.

Junhoe threw them a final smile as he disappeared around the corner and out of sight.

Jinhwan clasped his hands to his chest tightly. "Oh, our little baby is all grown up and doing international photo-shoots" he said with a long contented sigh.

Jiwon meanwhile clenched his hands in his hair and bit his lip fiercely. "I think I'm going to die" he groaned.

 

============

 

 

On the second day that the posters and billboard of Junhoe was up, a man who had recently come quite favourably into a suitably large sum of money opened the curtains of his brand new downtown Seoul flat contentedly. Three million dollars had served as the perfect deposit on the exclusive property. He took a deep morning breath before opening his eyes and then all at once frozen stock still.

Across the street, directly opposite his new bedroom window, a huge billboard had been erected and now displayed the alluring picture of a gorgeous young man dressed only in briefs and an open silk shirt which was billowing out behind him, threatening to blow away completely as he stared directly into the camera seductively.

Matsumo Magari stared at it in horror for a moment before swishing the curtains shut again abruptly.

That night he went out in a jealous bid to wreck havoc on the world, purchasing several tins of paint from the hardware store and, at about four in the morning might be seen throwing them violently across the offending poster, enraged.

Unfortunately he was spotted by the night patrol, and made the local newspaper headlines the next morning – Bitter CEO's spate of "revenge-vandalism". Matsumo Media Corp share prices plummeted as a result.

Jinhwan laughed hysterically when he read the news story. Said it was karma.

 

===========

 

On the third day Soma greeted the now familiar face of the young businessman who had come to visit the bar that evening. He proudly showed Jiwon where he'd put the pictures he'd collected of Yukari from magazines behind a sheet of glass and hung them on the wall behind the bar at the club. Jiwon promised he'd send a proper set of the promotional prints as soon as he had the chance.

"Are you here looking for fun while Yukari's out of town?" Soma queried with a grin.

Jiwon, however, shook his head. "Business" he replied, sipping on his drink thoughtfully. His eyes wondered across Soma's picture-wall. Beside the pictures and cut-outs related to Yukari, Jiwon noticed that Soma also kept a small framed picture of another young and handsome man. 'That must be Junhoe's roommate before.' He stared at it for a long time.

 

============

 

 

On the fourth morning, a young man known as Hanbin waited for his train into work at one of the subway stations near his home. The board opposite where he waited showed a reclining picture of a familiar, suave-looking man wearing an elegant suit and tie, lifting a wine glass playfully as if greeting an invisible lover.

'That's… Yukari?' Hanbin realised, surprised, staring at the picture for a long time. The dancer who was Jiwon's lover? I didn't know he worked as a model.

His eyes alighted on the name of the brand stamped across the bottom of the picture - Jiwon.

Wow. He thought. What a really crazy coincidence.

…

Yeah, he totally didn't get it.

 

===========

 

 

On the fifth day, a man named Lee Seunghyun winced when he received an irate call from one Pierre Bouvier of the South Korea division of the brand Dolce and Gabbana. Bouvier was beyond a doubt one of the most powerful and moreover most intimidating figures in the Koreqn high fashion industry. He was renowned for having the temper of a bull, and the horns to match.

"Why" the foreign caller demanded in a peculiarly inflected Korean, "has it been brought to my attention that the Jiwon brand was provided a model who is clearly of a higher standard than the ones shown to us?"

Seunghyun could only open his mouth in astonishment, motioning for his nearby staff to immediately investigate the matter. "I'm very sorry," he protested immediately to his most valuable client, "I shall look into it right away."

"It is appalling" Bouvier continued scathingly down the line, "that you show such blatant favouritism to local brands. I thought an agency of your calibre would have a greater degree of professionalism when dealing with your international clients but apparently you are a great deal more stupid than I was lead to believe when I foolishly gave our contract to you."

"I assure you I didn't mean…" Seunghyun began placating, waving his arms frantically at his busy workers who looked up at him in bemusement and shrugged, unable to find any information on the company database.

"Are you or are you not the largest modelling agency in South Korea?" Bouvier demanded icily.

"We are, of course, we have over a three hundred…"

"Well then get me that boy," Bouvier snapped, "that Jiwon model. I want him at the shoot in Okinawa next week."

"Ah, uhm…" Seunghyun scratched his head at a loss, "…of course, Bouvier-sshi. I'll make sure he is there."

"Good" Bouvier hissed, and hung up.

"But sir…" one of the confused workers began, looking up at Seunghyun from his desk, "…Jiwon doesn't even have an account with us."

Seunghyun sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "Call that company. Find out who that boy is. Find out who his agent is. Pay off the agency contract and get him onto our books. I want him confirmed for the Okinawa shoot today."

"Yes, sir."

 

=========

 

 

On the sixth day, the man from immigration looked up from Junhoe's passport to his face and back again curiously. "Hey…" he began, "…aren't you the guy in the Jiwon ads?"

Junhoe blinked back at him in surprise. "Uhm… yeah." He really hadn't expected to be recognised at all.

"I knew it" the man said with a grin, handing the passport back to the slightly bemused boy. "Well, welcome home!" he winked suggestively "I get off in thirty minutes if you wanna stick around…"

Junhoe made a face. "No thanks" he replied, taking back his passport and picking up his small case before proceeding through to the arrival hall.

Jiwon had him in his arms before he even made three steps out onto the floor. Junhoe blushed fiercely as he was kissed deeply right in the middle of the airport – more than one onlooker grumbling and looking away in distaste at the sight of such open sex-same affection.

"I've missed you so much" Jiwon declared, squeezing him impossibly tight, revelling in being close to him for the first time in a long week, completely ignoring Junhoe's discomfort. "How was your trip?"

"Fine, fine…" Junhoe brushed the matter aside and struggled out of Jiwon'a grip with feigned irritation before looking up at his lover and unable to resist smiling, "…but I'm glad to be home."

Jiwon smiled back at him and took his bag in a gentlemanly fashion.

"So I see your campaign has been quite a success so far" Junhoe commented softly as they turned to walk away together.

Jiwon looked over at him. "How'd you know that?"

"Oh…" Junhoe raised an eyebrow as a camera-flash whirled nearby, capturing a telling and gossipy picture of the young rising model and the renowned company president walking hand in hand. A picture which would be extensively discussed in a magazine gossip column tomorrow, "… just a guess."

Jiwon smiled contentedly, ignoring the attention entirely, not in the least self-conscious about revealing his adoration for his beautiful lover in public. He stopped mid-stride and leaned over to deliver a lightning quick kiss to Junhoe's lips before the boy could protest. His action was accompanied by the sound of another enthusiastic camera shutter.

Junhoe's eyebrows furrowed in bemusement, "Aren't you embarrassed?" he asked as Jiwon drew back again.

"No, I'm the luckiest person in the world" Jiwon replied quietly. "And I don't care who knows it."

Junhoe snorted softly but couldn't quite disguise the small tug of a smile at the corners of his lips.

As they got into the front seats of the silver Mercedes, Jiwon looked over at him excitedly, almost brimming over with suppressed news.

"Hey Junhoe…" he began, clearly keen to tell the boy something of import.

Junhoe's eyes flickered over to him in query. Jiwon took a breath.

"…do you remember when you told me that the club was a place where you felt safe? Like… you could be yourself there?"

"Yeah"

"Do you miss it?"

Junhoe blinked at the strange and unexpected question. "Why are you asking such a thing?"

"Here…" Jiwon rummaged on the seat behind and produced a brown envelope. "I got you something." He held it out with an excited schoolboy grin.

Utterly bemused, Junhoe took the offered envelope, looking at Jiwon in query who nodded for him to open it. Uncertainly Junhoe unwound the string and drew out a wad of documentation covered in complex legal jargon. Clueless, he pursed his lips. "What's this for?"

"It's the club" Jiwon explained. "The business and the premises."

There was a moment of silence.

"You… you bought it?" Junhoe demanded aghast. Jiwon gave a wide grin and Junhoe put his head in his hands in disbelief. "Have you gone completely mad?"

"I missed you" Jiwon replied, as if it explained everything.

With a groan of disbelief Junhoe looked again at the topmost sheet on the pile. "But… why is my name written here?"

"Because it's yours."

Junhoe's face looked more horrified than ever. "Wh- What?" he spluttered, "But I don't know how to run a business!"

Jiwon laughed lightly and waved a hand. "You don't have to run it directly if you don't want to, it's already fully managed with its own staff. But… if you don't mind, I had an idea for it I think might interest you."

When the semi-shocked Junhoe gave no reply, Jiwon continued; 

"For you, and for your roommate, and for lots of the other guys, Paradise Lost wasn't just your job but kind of like a sanctuary for you, right? A place where you could display your sexuality without fear of judgement." Junhoe nodded mutely and Jiwon smiled broadly. "Well then… I thought it might be a good idea if you ran the place as a kind of charity."

"A... charity?" Junhoe echoed.

"Yeah" Jiwon nodded enthusiastically, "you can provide a room, a job, even counselling for young gay men who have got into trouble or just need a place to stay. You know, those who can't get other work or who've been rejected by their families – or even just guys who are struggling to come to terms with themselves. You could give them a place to feel safe, feel accepted, until they are ready to face the world on their own again. Not much different from how it already is but… you could make it official, and reach more people. Don't you think it would be a good project?"

Junhoe looked at him blurredly. "Yeah but… erotic… dancing?" he queried.

Jiwon grinned. "You can lose the poles if you prefer. As a charity you don't need to pull a profit, just enough to tick over, and with a little sponsorship, plus money generated by the bar and night club, you should be able to give a lot of support to a lot of people who really need it – even those that don't actually work at the club."

Junhoe blinked at him uncertainly, and Jiwon smiled and pulled him into an embrace. "It was just a suggestion" he said. "Of course you are free to do as you wish. The club ought to make more than enough money to support Yejin as it is. So if you prefer you can focus on your modelling. You know I got a call from an agency who apparently want you to do a Dolce and Gabbana shoot, can you believe it?" He laughed lightly. "They offered you an obscene amount of money for it too."

Junhoe stared dazedly at the grey fabric of Jiwon's suit, his cheek pressed against his firm chest, feeling it rise and fall with every breath. "I… I want to do it" he said.

"Well it's in Okinawa next week. On the beach. You'd better be careful about getting too much of a tan out there."

"No… not that. I mean, with the club."

"Ah" Jiwon looked down at the top of his head affectionately. "Yeah. I thought you might." 

'He really is a beautiful guy.'

Junhoe didn't move for a long while, simply pressing himself against Jiwon's warmth, his mind awhirl with plans and complications and implications.

Jiwon stroked his hair softly. "But you know…" he said after a moment, "even if you do go ahead with it I hope you might still do a bit of modelling for us sometimes…" he looked a little sheepish, "…it seems you're very valuable."

Junhoe pulled him closer. "Of course I'll do it" he whispered, burying his face into Jiwon's chest and breathing in his scent contentedly, closing his eyes. "For you…" he lifted his head to meet Jiwon's stare, eyes suddenly alight with lingering seduction, his voice sensually low, "For you I'll do… anything."

Jiwon swallowed. The car suddenly felt ridiculously hot.

"Time to go home?" he asked weakly.

"Yes." came the simmering reply.

Jiwon reached up to loosen his tie and smiled. It was going to be a very, very long night.

 

 

THE END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I didn't disappoint you with my ending?
> 
> Thank you for being with me all throughout Jiwon's journey of discovering his sexuality. It means a lot to me.
> 
> ^^


End file.
